KitCat Italica

welp looks like gaiman is on the do-not-go-here list. hope those women are doing okay

I'm still gonna write good omens fanfic because my version of aziraphale and crowley give me more enjoyment than canon, and it feels extra-spiteful now to keep writing my healing-from-sexual-assault series in light of the allegations

but yeah not feeling good about ever chilling near that guy from here on out. if you still want to do fandom from his works, sure, don't let his horrible rl decisions stop you. if you still want to watch his shows and read his books (which is more directly supporting him), iffy but go off I guess. ymmv with how much or what type of engagement is ethical. but for me, he's not an autograph I want to hunt down now

I'm just so tired of everything I read.

Everywhere I turn, the world is falling apart. This country is killing people. That group used violence as terrorism. This person killed someone for their religion or nationality. This corporation got away with destroying people's lives. This natural disaster happened because we're cooking our planet to death. And no one fucking cares.

Where are the people who care. Where are the people who want kindness and compassion for others, even—and especially—for those different from them. Where are the voices of love. Where are the people saying "No, actually, this isn't okay, and here's a better way." Where are the fucking solutions.

I'm just so tired of all this. I feel so helpless, and so very alone. I'm so tired.

I am going through a good omens detox right now because it's still too painful to see anything associated with it, especially S2. If I unfollow you or already have, it's truly nothing personal, it's just a choice I gotta make to care for myself right now

It's either this or delete my entire Tumblr, and I'm trying not to take a drastic action like that since I might regret it later

Most days I do okay with eating actual meals. Like, toast for breakfast. Sandwich for lunch. Maybe make pasta for dinner.

But sometimes when I stock up on my favorite snacks at the grocery store, there is a day or two afterward where regular, discrete 'meals' are replaced by The Ultimate Grazing. My calories are no longer obtained in 2-3 discrete chunks like a fox pouncing on a couple mice, but consumed through countless little munchies throughout the day like a horse wandering through a meadow.

I am no longer the meal queen. I am now the Snack God

someone legit wrote me a novel-length comment on one of my old fics, detailing how much it triggered them and how they didn't like the way I wrote it, and—as if that weren't delicious enough—ended it by citing the goddamn Geneva Conventions about how this story trivializes violence with its subject matter

I just

At least my knowledge that one of PTSD's symptoms is 'difficulty or inability to feel positive emotions' gives me solace that my only reaction to the Good Omens 2 trailer dropping today is

"...mmhm"

This week I've been having a bit of a crisis/revelation regarding something. My therapist and I have floated the idea of a potential new diagnosis for me, since I have some traits of it but maybe not enough to meet full criteria. This week I've been doing some independent research about it and....

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

It describes me perfectly. It's so accurate. It's like someone came in and published some field notes they wrote about the inside of my brain.

Still wrestling with how this relates to my sense of identity and how I understand myself, but yeah. I potentially have a new psychiatric diagnosis.

Hoorayyyyy

A very specific and complain-y rant that is probably an example of kitcat's thin-skinned-ness incoming:

There's been 2 major instances this week of my fandom spaces being invaded, and I'm so fucking tired of it.

To clarify: I don't mean 'invaded' in the sense that I found some discourse I didn't like on Reddit, or people started showing up with bad faith takes in the Tumblr tags. Those are annoying, but they're not my fandom spaces — they're public spaces. Anyone can post whatever they'd like. You explore the public spaces of the internet at your own risk.

What I mean by 'invasion' is because these incidents happened on my own specific corners of the internet I have curated for my own fandom experience — namely my AO3 account of my own fic, and an invite-only discord server specific to a particular fandom. (Theoretically anyone out there could join that server, since the invite links are floating out there in public spaces? But the fandom is relatively small, and the number of active users on the server even smaller, so my experience of interacting with people on there qualifies it as a private fandom space.)

I am very protective of my private fandom spaces. I curate my internet experience through these spaces to be fun happy escapism from reality with like-minded people. If you find your way into my private fandom spaces, I would hope the understood expectation is that you add to that experience. Maybe that was too much to ask, idk.

Basically what happened was:

1. I started getting a bunch of comments on a fic from someone without an account. They kept changing their anon name to be different names? But it was obvious it was the same person. And they took the story that means a lot to me, and just started quoting certain parts of it wildly out of context, not really making coherent points and just kind of rambling, and making gross assumptions about it. I'm not really sure what response they're hoping to get? It's the strangest troll I've ever received, but I felt all kinds of gross after reading their 13 comments of this nature over the last 3 days.

2. Yesterday me and my discord server buddies were talking about the parts of canon that we really like, good-naturedly joking about parts of it, having fun. When all of a sudden, someone butts in to say that one of the parts I mentioned was one of the worst things about it that they didn't like. It was such an abrupt tone shift from the fun conversation that it really caught me off-guard? I was so taken aback I just commented "agree to disagree :)" and just shut down, and didn't participate in the conversation for the rest of the night.

It's so frustrating and heartbreaking to me, because it's not like I went trawling through public spaces and found some bad takes that I felt icky about. No, these are instances of people coming into my private internet spaces, and intentionally making thoughtless comments to bring down my (and maybe other people's) fun time. Maybe one of these instances would've rolled off me after an initial "ick" response, but the fact that it's been piling up on me in the last few days has just made it dig into my skin and stick there.

Part of me really doesn't want to participate in fandom anymore. I hadn't updated that AO3 fic for years now, but I was toying with the idea of picking it back up again. But now I squirm every time I think about what the potential response might be, if it's now on the radar of people like that. As for the discord server, maybe I'll bring it up to one of the mods, but it's not like the person did anything against the rules? They were just expressing their opinion like we all were. But I def don't feel as comfortable talking on there anymore.

I know I'm being very thin-skinned about all this, and in the grand scheme of things this is not that big of a problem. But it still feels awful, and a big piece of joy in my life has been shaken and gives me anxiety when I step into those spaces I used to enjoy.

do you ever get the feeling that a fandom is too young for you

as in, everyone's headcanons and fics and way of talking about their ships feels like a bunch of horny 14 year olds and is not the way you interact with canon anymore

idk how to describe it without being super judgmental and tired but this type of fanon is just not my cup of tea

tfw it's such a monumental effort to just. talk to people. and have a regular conversation with them. even people who you like talking to. who you want to talk to. who you have lots to talk about with. who you haven't seen in a long time and really want to catch up with. who are really important to you.

but mustering the energy for regular social interaction is like trying to push a boulder up a mountain while your legs are broken

me: tries to be a good and decent person even when it's hard, doesn't like to get caught up in petty drama

also me: continually visits one particular Tumblr blog I blocked ages ago, just to read the horribly bad takes they have about every topic under the sun, and to laugh myself stupid about how offended they get about other people's differing opinions

they seem to be having a terrible time on this website, and I am enjoying the hell out of it :)

I just had a brainstorm about the last book in my fantasy series, in which my characters meet their gods, try to reason with them to intercede and help them stop the Big Threat, and when the gods refuse, this ragtag group of outcasts have a collective braindead moment of fuck it, and decide to have a smack-down fight with the gods

And they win

so yeah that's the level of desperation I've been feeling the last few weeks

Texas Winter Storm 2022 starts tonight. Once again, we're likely to lose power and heat, because our government didn't do anything to make it cold-weather-proof after the statewide disaster of last time.

Suffice it to say, I might not be posting much in the next few days. Unless we're lucky! But I don't count on luck these days anymore.

My brain: so since you've been hurt really badly by people before, let's make sure it never happens again!

Me: ok, how bout we just reach out to nice people—

My brain: NO

Me: ...they're nice?

My brain: TOO DANGEROUS

Me: but—

My brain: I MEANT BUILD A WALL AROUND ALL HUMAN INTERACTION

Me: but...nice people?

My brain: *eye twitches*

Me: .....or....we could build a wall I guess, that's fine

*years later*

My brain: OKAY BUT WHY ARE WE SO LONELY AND SAD

I follow a lot of popular fanfic writers in my current fandom. I see them all freak out about each other's chapter updates, I see them reblog each other's fic links all the time, I see them all show up in each other's rec lists.

I'm trying to accept that I will never be one of them. Sometimes I'm okay with that. But sometimes, like now, it really hurts.

Idk, my little corner of fandom has felt real lonely as of late. It's super demotivating. It's like that whole tree-falls-in-a-forest metaphor: if someone writes a story and no one reads it, was it ever really written in the first place? Did it even mean anything? What was even the point of all my excitement if it's met with nothing?

Yes, yes, I write for myself, no creative work is ever wasted, insert encouraging platitude here. I know them all. And they're all falling flat for me right now. I don't just write for myself; if I did, I wouldn't bother sharing it with strangers on the internet. I also write—and write fanfic in particular as opposed to original fic—because I want to get really excited about something with other people, and have us all type in all caps to each other back and forth through comments. But lately...crickets.

I know some people are reading and commenting. The stats don't lie. But it feels so small right now and I'm just bummed out about it and feel disconnected to the rest of the fandom. I don't know what I'm doing wrong? But clearly it's something.

Old traumas being reawoken in this chili's tonight.

I know I'm here, and I'm safe. I know I survived somehow. But I'm still terrified and walking with these open wounds, so sometimes they bleed all over me.

Please be patient with me. That's all I ask.