Title: You can take them out of the mafia (but that doesn't make them civilians)
Pairing: Hibari Kyoya/Kurokawa Hana/Sasagawa Ryohei
Prompt: Rain Day: Retired Assassins AU / Opposites Attract
Tags/Warnings: Post-Canon, Retired Assassins AU, Established Relationship, Attempted Break-In, Fights, Attempt at Humor
Summary: In their defense, the guy chose the wrong house to break into.
There's a moment where they're all looking at each other. Ryohei holding a plate that he's in the middle of drying, Kyoya elbow-deep in the kitchen sink washing dishes, and the man dressed in black who just broke the window in the breakfast nook and is currently perched on the windowsill.
“Wao,” Kyoya says. A bloodthirsty smile slowly spreads across his face as he turns off the water and reaches a hand towards Ryohei.
Ryohei hands Kyoya the towel and sets the plate on the counter. It's one of the nice plates with a yellow flower design along the edges, and Hana would be very disappointed with them if they broke yet another piece of the set. He cracks his knuckles, grinning broadly at the man still frozen in the window. “You EXTREMELY chose the wrong house,” Ryohei says.
In the intruder’s defense, he very quickly attempts to back out of the window and run. Unfortunately for him, Ryohei is much faster and grabs him by the shirt collar, yanking him out of the window and sending him skidding across the floor.
Before the man can stand, Kyoya slams a tonfa into his face. There’s a crack! and bright red blood spurts from the man’s nose. He reaches up to staunch the blood with one hand, the other reaching for the countertop as he begins to stand.
This time it’s Ryohei sending a left hook directly to the man’s ribcage, and he falls flat on his face with an “Oof!”
The pattern continues. Intruder attempts to stand and escape, maybe retaliate against the unending attacks. Kyoya and Ryohei smack him back down with increasingly strong attacks. At some point, the yellow flowered plate is thrown at Kyoya, who dodges, and the fight stops long enough for them all to watch as the plate shatters against the wall.
The man attempts to inch his way across the floor to the broken window while Ryohei and Kyoya examine the plate shards. Then Kyoya turns. “For your crimes,” he says slowly, “you will be bitten to death.”
Before the man can do more than whimper, Kyoya slams a tonfa down on his head. The man slumps.
Kyoya and Ryohei stare down at the broken, bleeding man unconscious on their kitchen tile. The wind blows in through the broken window, lilac curtains billowing out. Throwing knives stick out from the lemon wallpaper, a blood trail spans across much of the floor, and the yellow flowered plate is only one of the piles of glass shards needing to be swept up. Not even the cabinets escaped the fight with one door hanging on by a single screw and squeaking in the wind.
A key turns in the lock, and the front door opens. There’s a moment when they’re all looking at each other. Ryohei holding a frying pan ready to swing, Kyoya with his tonfa held loosely in his hand, and Hana, who had just come home from a business trip to Italy, still carrying her suitcase.
“You. Are. RETIRED!” Hana yells, slamming the door shut behind her. “Why can I not leave the two of you home by yourselves for a week?!”
The intruder groans, and Ryohei smacks him back into silence with the frying pan. Hana pinches her nose with a heavy sigh. “Take him out the back and drop him in front of the police station,” she says. “I’ll make sure there’s a warrant for him in their system.”
Kyoya hums appreciably and picks the man up by his shoulders while Ryohei gives Hana a thumbs up. “Right on! You can tells us all about your EXTREME trip when we get back! Welcome home!” He picks up the man’s legs and together they shuffle towards the back door.
Hana waves a hand dismissively as she pulls her laptop out and settles down on the couch. “Yeah yeah, good to be back. Hurry home, menaces, I want some cuddle time before bed.” The shuffling sounds increase as her partners pick up their pace. She shakes her head with a soft smile, preparing the warrant as promised.
The back door slams shut, and Hana props her feet up on the coffee table. Ah, it’s good to be home, even if she has to deal with her menaces’ mess. Again.