Im trying this again COME ON
Draft Five (2021-present)
“It seems weird,” I said, almost walking backwards to keep an eye on her as I turned around the corner of the school. “Like—ah!” My boot got caught on the grass, causing my feet to slip. I tumbled onto the ground and dropped my violin, the “oof!” that followed indicating Ash tripped over the sturdy case.
It was eerily quiet and the smell of the exhaust was gone. I became hyper-aware of the grass I lay in and shot up to a seated position, jumping when I realized nothing was in sight but a dizzyingly-clear horizon.
Ash groaned beside me. “Since when does Falcon have grass—” She cut herself off as she pushed herself upright, taking in the sudden new scenery.
We sat in the middle of a seemingly endless field. The grass that stretched in each direction appeared freshly mowed, though it lacked the smell that usually came with it. Instead, a chillingly sterile air hit my nose.
“Ash,” I asked, low-key freaking out, “where are we?”
Ash looked around. “Where did—how did we get here? Where’s the school?”
I couldn’t answer. The sun that had been burning in the late afternoon was no longer casting a deathly heat paired with Houston humidity. In fact, looking up, the burning mass seemed to be missing, despite the sky being a soft periwinkle.
“Okay…” Ash said after a moment, standing slowly. “Maybe if we go back the way we came, we’ll return to the school.”
“Right,” I said, rising to join her. “That—that makes sense.”
We retrieved our stuff and tried to retrace our steps. We walked a couple yards, but nothing happened.
“We could’ve gotten turned around,” Ash pointed out. “Maybe there’s one specific spot we have to step in to get back.” She sighed, setting her stuff on the ground and sitting beside it. “Give me a second to think.”
“Think about what?” I asked, joining her.
“A way out? A way back? What the hell is happening?”
“Then we’re hallucinating!”
“Well, you think of something!”
“Okay,” said Ash, breaking the silence, “let’s look at the facts: we were at the school, then we were here, right?”
“Um,” I squeezed my eyes shut to think, “no, we tripped.”
“You tripped,” Ash clarified. “You tripped over grass.”
I nodded. “So that means we were here when I tripped. Um, yeah, I remember the sound and smell suddenly disappearing.”
“There, then here,” Ash paraphrased herself. She began to play with the criss-cross ring on her middle finger, which she usually did when she was thinking. “That kinda sounds like… a portal?”
I curled my knees up to my chest. “But portals aren’t, like, real.”
“Do you have a better explanation?” Ash asked, then she let out a small exclamation as she dropped the ring in the grass. She went on her knees and began feeling around for the ring.
I chewed on a chunk of my hair, trying to hold back the anxiety building inside me. My mind raced. The stale air against my skin, the tickle of the grass, and the sheer uncertainty I felt gave the whole situation a verisimilitude appearance.
I laughed weakly. “Verisimilitude,” I said aloud, spat out the hair, and continued, “Remember that word? ‘The appearance of being true or real’. That took forever to memorize on that—”
“Ash?” I asked at her sudden exclamation. “You okay?” I turned to make sure she was but jumped when she wasn’t there. Just her backpack.
“Ash?” I said, standing abruptly. I looked around in all directions. “Ash?!” I said louder. No response.
I wrung my hands through my hair, my eyes burning, as they did when stressed. I had no idea what was happening, and frankly, if whatever was happening even was happening.
I had to be dreaming. This didn’t make any sense otherwise.
I tried to sit on the grass to contemplate everything when I hit something hard. I cried out in pain and shot up, rubbing the now-sore spot—feeling awkward even though no one was around. I turned to see what I hit and jumped when I saw millions of colors shoot up from the ground. I looked around and watched the endless field disappear from view.
I must’ve hit my head on the concrete. Yes, that made sense. A sudden panic of long-term injury caused me to reach up to touch my head. I didn’t feel any sign of injury, but that didn’t mean anything. Maybe I was hallucinating the lack of injury. My breath quickened as the colors around me grew bigger and more vibrant.
I looked down at the ground and watched as the colors erased the grass.
The ground disappeared and I fell through a tunnel of millions of colors I never knew existed. Is this what it’s like to have more photoreceptors? Is this how shrimp see? I would’ve been in awe if I wasn't falling to my death.
The air whipped around me—my braids disconnected where I’d tied them in the back, causing my looser hair to partially obstruct my vision.
A bright light forced my eyes shut, the inside of my eyelids red. I felt warm and safe around it, but it was too bright for my taste.
Without warning, I hit the ground on my feet, stumbled, and fell on grass again.
Finally, Lexi doesn't pass out! Right off the bat, there's so much more ACTION in the scene. The characters are constantly moving and looking around which helps the scene feel more dynamic. Lexi's sensations about where she is help feel like we're there. Even more dialogue has been added, and finally we get a strong sense of both characters' personalities as Ash logically walks through the situation and Lexi answers practically as she tries to calm herself down. Lexi's constant worry and panic and general anxiety is also a great character trait of hers to emphasize in this situation. The trip down the portal is given the time it needs, and she doesn't pass out, which allows for a better description of what's going on and transition to the next scene.
