愛は痛みです

i’ve become more and more aware recently about myself....i keep ending up with men....or with men showing my interest....or reach out to men for attention because i, like so many people of my generation have a lot of issues and i crave attention now and again --- only fleetingly.....and quickly after getting it i don’t want anything at all. i am coming to the realisation that i am a pansexual, aromantic + asexual individual and that is okay.  i love women, i like men. it’s .....i just...don’t understand sexual attraction or romantic attraction.... i just want to be close with someone like we just vibe easily, enjoy one another’s company and just find contentment in spending time together, there being no expectation of sex or intimate affection (i don’t mind kisses and cuddles or holding hands). i want to be able to give love in my own way without feeling guilt about not wanting to be sexually intimate......or having to ‘compromise’ to make the other happy even though they know my boundaries and issues/past trauma and mental health problems along with physical problems.  i’m scared to be in a relationship because a lot of these factors...i don’t want to make someone feel small and unimportant because of the way i am. i don’t know how to be in a ‘relationship’. i need a lot of time alone and always have been quite a loner. i have manic depressive episodes multiple times a day which cause me to either 1) dissociate or 2) have anxiety attacks/breakdowns which have caused me to relapse more than once and it can take me days if not weeks to break out of these episodes. i don’t feel like a relationship could ever work with me because of these things...i don’t think it’s fair to someone else to deal with me and i don’t think it’s fair to put myself through the self-guilting i know is inevitable with me (as it comes hand in hand with my vicious cycle of mental health issues) that being in a relationship would bring like; i’m not talking to them enough, i need space, i can’t talk, can’t think straight, can’t stop dissociating, can’t see myself being affectionate enough, coming across cold and frigid and disinterested because my brain just wont cooperate with me and let me function like a normal human being for once in my life. on a side-note: i think i need to go back to the doctors....it’s been a while and the last time i went i wanted to talk about bpd....i don’t want to diagnose myself and i don’t WANT to have it but ....the more i research the more it makes sense and gives me some clarity as to why i am the way i am and that in itself is somewhat soothing. i just... it’s like there’s constantly 10-15 other voices (all mine but not? if that makes sense) buzzing and going so fast that i can never make sense of my thoughts or it’s so hyper that it bounce from one to the other without getting anywhere and it’s a cycle of having no peace (especially when i try to sleep and suffer with insomnia already and this ....these voices just seem to be getting worse and more active and troublesome.) i dissociate a worrying amount.......too often.....my moods are like whiplash, one second i can be fine (i say fine but it’s not like great) and the next i can be triggered by something random af or tiny or whatever and i am in such a dark headspace it takes time to crawl back out of there.