Oh, d'arvit

Everyone in Infinity Wars gonna be complaining about how hard these last few years have been for them until Thor rolls up with no hair, no hammer, and one eye. 

#“also my dad died”

Don’t forget “my planet had to be destroyed to keep my sister from killing like the whole universe so now me and all my people are refugees. But hey, Loki’s back, that’s good news!”

Peter(raises his hand in the back): “…My homecoming date‘s dad turned out to be my arch nemesis and a building fell on me!“

Thor (smiles and gives a thumbs-up): “Good for you! (aside, to Tony)…Who is that person? Do we know him or did he just show up?”

T’Challa: My dad died, too.

Thor: I apologize for your loss, I know how it feels 

Thor: (To Steve) Who is that handsome man dressed like a kitten?

Starlord: My dad turned out to be this giant, planet eating god and tried to kill me so I had to kill him.

Thor: These things happen sometimes.

Thor: (to Banner) Are we just picking up strangers with sad family stories or…?

nebula: i hate my dad and i’ve only very recently begun to tolerate the sibling i spent years being jealous of

thor: (distracted by all the new people) that’s nice loki

in continuing “local woman shows up two years late to the fandom with Starbucks” thoughts about IW/Endgame*

in an AU where Loki is the one who survives the attack on the Statesman and Thor dies, and assuming everything else goes the same (it wouldn’t because they’re very different people and that would have knock-on effects, but work with me here) –

the Time Heist in Endgame but it’s 2023 Loki walking into 2012 Loki’s temporary secret hideout, just fucking decking his younger self, and then walking out with the scepter and the Tesseract before Clint and the goons can even register what’s happened.  (maybe he drops a quick “hey, this isn’t going to work out the way you think! actually you can and should just go home with Thor when he gets here. I know groveling is excruciating but in this case it’s better than the alternative.”)

the Avengers can’t actually let him go to Asgard to get the Aether because he would one hundred percent just save Frigga whether she wants to be saved or not

he’s had a long decade. he has no fucks left to give.

* when I initially posted this on Twitter last night I accidentally typed “Star Wars” instead of “Starbucks” which tbh is also true, SW is still my fannish baseline and probably will be for a while.

have also decided that in this AU

obviously Loki still finds some way of bringing Thor back

though like, if I was actually writing Endgame/in the various Marvel writers rooms, I actually wouldn’t do it in Endgame; obvs this sequence of events makes Loki the show impossible, but since everyone seems to be opening the multiverse at once… and/or do the set-up of Loki as a consequence of 2014-to-2023 Gamora being picked up by the TVA, and through a series of shenanigans she and Sylvie end up playing out the killing He Who Remains season finale.

and IW!Thor comes back through a further series of shenanigans with Loki and Valkyrie (and Sif and Jane and further company) in a completely different movie that for obvious reasons cannot be Thor 4 but is a very, very loose adaptation of the Gor the Godkiller comics arc that includes multiverse fuckery, time travel, and also somehow several versions of everyone involved.

as a consequence of Natasha surviving and Steve not staying in the past, the events of FATWS continue as in canon (maybe the shield gets fixed somehow?), but Natasha gets a Black Widow 2 movie with Steve as her sidekick.  they are totally off-grid and unaware of the FATWS events.  Alexei and Steve have a very confused meeting.

(I’ll probably be proven wrong, but I’m convinced that Alexei’s belief that he fought Captain America at a point when Steve was in ice was multiverse shenanigans starting to leak through.)

Tony can either die as in canon or retire, since he was pretty much out of the game between IW and Endgame anyway.

now i'm stuck thinking about what a good (or at least better) ending it would have been if, after thanos gets dusted, and because they just killed thanos before he ever did the snap in the first place, and because we've now been told there can only be one "sacred timeline" i.e. there can't be one timeline where the snap happened in 2018 and another where thanos vanished in 2014, reality just..... changes so that the snap never happened at all

tony snaps his fingers. the screen goes white. he's sitting in his basement lab at the cabin, unhurt, and rushes upstairs to find pepper and morgan at the kitchen table. pepper remembers nothing about the snap. someone knocks on the door, and it's peter parker -- visibly 5 years older -- bringing donuts, ruffling morgans hair, "hey mr. stark! i brought boston cream"

steve is at home. he immediately calls bucky, then sam. neither of them remember the snap either. he calls natasha, and holy shit she picks up, she remembers everything up until her death on vormir, but she's alive. like it never happened. team cap gets together and they tell sam and bucky everything. they realize that killing younger thanos must have changed the past. they call bruce to ask hey wtf happened, i thought you said that wasn't a thing, but his phone's out of service for some reason?

bruce is in space. on the statesman. apparently it takes more than five years for a ship that big to make it across several galaxies, because he asks the first asgardian he sees "hey how long have we been in space" and they laugh and smack him on the back hard enough to bruise and say "you midgardians with your jokes, you know it's been five earth years" and he's like holy shit holy shit holy shit and goes searching for thor. he finds him in a hallway already hugging the stuffing out of heimdall, who is taking it in stride, and through blubbering tears thor's like "bruce! what happened to changing the past doesn't change the future!" and bruce a little manic is like "IT WAS JUST A THEORY MAN it's not like i had a lot of experience with time travel!" and thor hugs him too, and while the three of them are loudly discussing this in the hallway (and heimdall reassures them that, yes, natasha's alive, and yes, all the other original avengers are going through the same confusion these two are) a nearby door glows green and slams open and loki's like EXCUSE ME but SOME OF US are trying to SLEEP so if you WOULDN'T MIND-- and thor tackles him in a hug, crying again, and loki's like. i don't. i don't know what's happening. he looks over thor's shoulder at heimdall and bruce, who just shrug, and loki deflates and gives in and hugs his dumb crying brother even though he has no fucking clue what he's crying about. bonus points for "i'm right here, you idiot. didn't i say i wasn't leaving again?"

scott lang's at home, in the living room with cassie, and there's pictures on the mantle of the two of them together over the last five years, scott at her middle school graduation, scott and hope with her on a trip to a theme park when she was 14, and cassie's like? dad? are you okay? and he's like yeah :') yeah i'm great peanut :')

we start to hear upbeat 80's music. cut to the benatar, where rocket's suddenly surrounded by noise and the guardians bumping around each other in a familiar chaotic mess. none of them remember anything, except for nebula (and yeah we're gonna have to nix the younger nebula getting killed because that makes me too sad) and... wait, gamora's not here. shit, did resetting the timeline not bring gamora back? and he and nebula realize gamora was taken out of the timeline in 2014. she's never met the guardians, not yet, but she's out there somewhere, probably on earth, probably very confused since she was the only part of the opposing army that wasn't dusted before the timeline reset. and rocket's like "hey quill new mission we gotta go find nebula's sister" and peter's like "another nebula? yeah that sounds uh. terrifying" and they're like... yeah don't worry about it, you'll like her

AND queue guardians 3 a.k.a. the gang reunites with gamora (except rocket's the only one she doesn't know who already knows her), the falcon and the winter soldier except Steve's There In Retirement This Time, wandavision a.k.a. wanda and vision go on a nice non-trauma-fueled vacation, and thor 4: more thor where loki and heimdall and the rest of the asgardians who made it after ragnarok are still alive. the end :)

for @rebelmeg ‘s lovely story Misfit Toys <3

Does anyone else ever just stop and think of how the MCU fandom was robbed of the awkward reunion of Loki and the rest of the Avengers and the chaos that would have ensued after Thor, Ragnarok if they hadn't inserted a fuckin purple nutsack of a villain between us and what would have been the most amazing sitcom-like Avengers movie we did ever see??

Because I think of that shit all the time.

Y'know, I would have preferred this.

Same

the avengers reuniting bc loki’s back again only this time thor brought him here on purpose

thor: i’m back! with bruce! and our new friend val! oh, and we brought loki!

tony: why

steve: why

nat: why

clint: eat shit and die why the fuck would you do this

loki: in my defense i did point out that this was a terrible idea

hulk: HULK CONFIRM. PUNY GOD SAID THAT.

Everyone: Omg Clint, stop falling off things

I love Clint Barton because he’s the kind of guy who would ask if he could get an Avengers discount at Starbucks

#piece of shit motherfucker probably would #and he’d find a way to get it too #*flashes avengers ID* #probably uses it to get out speeding tickets too #”no no see it’s alright i am an AVENGER” #”that means i save the world and stuff…” #”so you’re welcome” #”no need to give me a ticket see look at my AVENGERS ID-card” #ends up getting a ticket anyway #story of your life #drops by mcdonalds #slides avengers ID over the counter as a form of payment #official avenger coming through #doing hero-business #please step aside ma’am i am an avenger #that means i work with captain america #yes #good ol’ cap #the big c #why yes he does smell like freedom and apple pie

#then one day a barista or shop assistant asks cap if he’s got his avenger id for the discount#and steve gives him a blank stare#and just before he says there’s no such thing as avengers discount#nat comes up behind him#slams her id down#‘yes we both need avengers discount’#reminding herself to high five clint later#because ‘avengers discount’ has clint written all over it (via annperkin)

another reason the mcu should have gone for Adult Peter Parker is bc they could have had him say nerdy science shit all the time

tony stark & bruce banner: *bickering about the evolution of mutated molecules under isolated circumstances or some shit like that*

peter parker: have u considered—

tony stark: no offense parker but you work at the daily bugle

peter, not looking up from his phone: and I have a master in biophysics and a doctorate in biochemistry. unfortunately that’s all I could manage in between working two jobs and being a superhero since I was 17

peter: but I will gladly photograph you making an ass out of yourself any time you’d like <3

there’s also so much comedic potential here with 29 year old peter parker bc there could have been a montage about why he wasn’t at any major “avengers” events (& just him being a prickly bitch) 

nick fury: i’m here to talk to you about something called the avengers initiative 

spiderman, tying up a low level criminal in a dark alley: already heard about it. did my research. not interested 

nick fury: is that so 

spiderman, who hasn’t slept in 23 hours and ate three bites of a slice of pepperoni pizza all day: if ur looking for mr world wide talk to pitpull, I stick to my neighborhood. BYE *swings off into the night*

fury: you have got to be fucking kidding me 

wings AU.

Finally….finished….

—————

Despite his small size, Clint owns a pair of incredible large wings. They can send him gracefully up to the sky, high enough to overlook and shoot anyone who dares to call him short. He likes lying on the sofa with his golden wings spreading out lazily and taking up much more of space than he actually need, and if you incautiously step on it, millions of annoying tricks will just be waiting for you. (Unless you are Tasha.) Bruce once had delicate pearl-colored wings, small but strong, then the experiment gone out of control totally destroyed them. He can never fly again. Whenever he turned into the green giant, the residual wings will endeavor to stretch out as if every time he leaps high he is still flying in the sky. Ironman never talks about the wings he ever had before he lost heartbeat. He’s really satisfied of the iron ones. He had once insisted on making a pair of huge wings - bigger than Clint’s – and totally ignored Bruce’s warning, but in the end those lumpish hindrance made him changed them back to the normal size, unwillingly. Black Widow uses her dark wings as battle weapons. Underneath the soft feathers hide the sharp aftershafts which can cut open skin and flesh and bone easily. When she fairily stretch out her wings to you like black swan, it always means only two words: Fuck off. Admirable Captain America has a pair of pure white wings, but this holy colour means only trouble to him: it’s so easily smeared during the battle. And he has to spend 2 hours in the bathroom every time after kicked somebody or something’s ass to recover his wings from all those blood and dust.  Phil Coulson has no wings. Nobody knows why. If he was born that way he couldn’t be an Agent, if he lost them he should’ve died or gone crazy. But he is just perfect. Only without wings. He doesn’t need the sky, it’s his hawk’s possession. ———— Sorry for my poor English… if there is any stupid mistake (i know there is ) plz correct me, thx.

tag yourself: avengers emh edition, i’m handkerchief and brooce

shoutout to marvel universe earth-8096, where the avengers got so fuckin powerful it scared a council of time-jumping multidimensional aliens (who tried to take them out but still failed)

*strums guitar* ive been standing on my own but now i’m not aloneeeee

righting the wrongs of 2021 me by finally making an avengers earth’s mightiest heroes post! god damn. took me far too long to do some kind of aemh related doodles given the absolute Grip this show has on me……..

fun fact this show is the Entire reason i simp so hard for mr barton! i consumed absolutely no other hawkeye media up until very recently, this awful little man just had such an affect on me.

Avengers Earth’s Mightiest Heroes #4:

Dude…

Whoever wrote this is in on the joke.

X-MEN: freaks of nature! They can’t be accepted, because what if they try to use their powers on us? Are literally afraid of a normal ass dude with angle wings, no other powers, he literally just has angle wings

Avengers: cause twice as much damage then X-MEN ever did, there is probably multiple insurance companies specifically built around them, and rarely is a fuck ever given