PRETTY, PRETTY UGLY

I recently went through bravery burnout. Between moving to a new house and state, finding and starting a new job, and living in a pandemic, I felt like I couldn’t push myself anymore. I went through so many things leading up to the move that when I finally got here, I could barely function. If I managed to go to the grocery store I considered it an accomplishment, because driving was scary, and parking was scary, and walking in was scary, and shopping was scary, and... Every little thing that I can usually cope with suddenly felt unbearably exhausting. I realized I needed to be kinder to myself, so I focused on saying forgiving things and accepting my current limitations. I know I bounce back with rest, so I had to give myself that rest. There are times when pushing yourself is important and necessary, and there are times it’s not. I’m continually practicing the balance between being brave and cutting myself some slack in order to feel mentally healthier.

New Year's has never been one of my favorite holidays. I wonder if I did enough the past year and I reflect on the challenges that the next year might bring. Like many of you, I am glad 2017 is over. My anxiety was very bad, I felt like I missed out on and neglected some opportunities, and I felt pulled in many directions that I wasn't able to talk to anyone about. There were a few highlights though, and I realized that part of why this year was so tough is that I pushed myself to do a lot of things that terrified me. I planned a wedding, I got married, I went to Jamaica, I drove to Chicago by myself, and I started working on a graphic novel. In order to get through these events, I had to shove my anxiety down quite often. I thought I was managing it, but I was really just ignoring it. It left me emotionally exhausted and in constant physical pain, and all I wanted to do most of the year was rest on the couch. I've come to accept that maybe that is how I had to get through this crazy stressful year, but I'm hoping to get back to my healthier and more productive coping strategies in the coming year. When you start to feel yourself burning out, you have to ask whether you are managing your stress or ignoring it.

Anxiety makes it hard to focus on what's going on around you. Between constantly worrying about what's going to happen next and cringing about something embarrassing you did 3 months ago, it's hard to remain present.

I've been pushing myself out of my comfort zone for quite a while now and I've been having a lot of great experiences. But it also means I've only had 3 weekends in the past 5 months where I didn't either have to work or travel a couple hours out of town. It is definitely catching up to me. I've been squishing down all the anxious thoughts and physical symptoms of anxiety. I've only cried a few times in the past several months, but in the past week I've cried 4 times. My body won't allow me to keep ignoring things. After the holidays are over, I hope to relax and get some much needed mental rest. I'm going to enjoy what's left of my hectic schedule, and then take care of myself.

Page seven of What I've Learned (living with social anxiety)