It’s late at night as I’m typing this. About 11:30pm on Sunday, to be more exact. I’m typing this because I was recently struck by a reality that I hadn’t thought of recently. The reality of life. Instead of ignoring and hiding and running away, I actually physically and emotionally felt those little blips of pain, and fear, and sadness. Those little thoughts that I have pushed away over this extended break and shelved away.
Don’t get me wrong, I did have lots of fun with my family and friends over the holidays; but internally, I was a bit of a mess. Slowly but surely I began to unravel. Not in a complete downward spiral, at least not in a constant state of that anyway. It was more of those ups and downs. Feeling decent one day, then I could be crying the next.
I usually get more down in the wintertime (SAD – seasonal affective disorder) but I noticed the depression came back in the fall more this year too. I guess it kind of happened like that last year too. Although last year (like fall 2016/spring 2017), I had school to distract me somewhat. And now I don’t have that. And since I’m still looking for a full-time job, I don’t have everything all figured out.
I guess that’s where I went wrong: I thought it’d be different. I thought I’d be different.
But in a lot of ways, I’ve realized: I’ve stayed the same. Or been in more of the same situations. Like school, for example. It could be at times, a source of stress for me. But it also provided a distraction and was fun for the most part. Like it was something I kept with, even though it stressed me out. Same thing applies to this whole job hunt: it’s stressful at times but it’s the stage I’m at right now. And I do love my freelance work that I’ve gotten to do! 👩🏻💻
And here I am, still needing change; not feeling like things are okay. That I need to do something to fix it. To make it better.
Because I am not completely happy with where I’m at now. But then again, no one is happy 24/7. But like I said earlier, I have not been severely depressed 24/7 either. Some days have been better than others. I remembered something I once told my counselor: “I just wish for more consistency.”
And that’s the truth. I do want to be more consistent…in habits, in health, in a general routine.
Another truth? I have not been doing all I can do to get better. I have not been caring about myself like I should. I have been letting my depression, ED, anxiety, etc. take control. My life lately has been filled with a lot of toxicity and negativity – all self-inflicted. And that’s sad to me…it’s like, sometimes I can’t even trust myself.
But something more comforting? I have the time to get better. I have the tools I need…I just have to remember to use them. It’s just been difficult because I’ve been out of it for so long it seems like.
I’m not quite sure what the point of this post is, to be honest. I know it’s called “honesty hour” and I know that I’m owning up to things and giving an update…much like a lot of posts I have done recently.
I guess like I said earlier…a lot of things have stayed the same. Or at least, been more of the not so good rather than good. And I just want to not feel so guilty. And ashamed. And I guess that starts with being more honest. It’s worked well for me before. So I’m giving it another try. ❣️ -K.
Honesty Hour It's late at night as I'm typing this. About 11:30pm on Sunday, to be more exact. I'm typing this because I was recently struck by a reality that I hadn't thought of recently.
