Long time, no write. Sorry about that (like seriously – 3 months is a long time for me). Life happened, and I’ve been dealing with quite a lot. But I was inspired by yesterday’s gloomy, stormy day, and figured I’d write a poem relating the weather to my feelings. And for once, all the photos I took myself haha. Hope you like it. Let me know what you think if you are so inclined. Happy Wednesday…
I have been waiting a while for March to get here. Why? I’ll try to explain it here…
Earlier in February I felt overwhelmed. And I was trying to hold it all together, but in reality, I was really just holding back. Holding back my thoughts and feelings, because I was scared of facing them.
So I decided to try something: for 18 days, I just decided to be. Be however and whoever I wanted. I honestly just wanted to feel free and be able to try new things. I needed some room to experiment, with my style, with my personality, all of it.
And so I wanted to share what I learned:
•to let go
•to feel my emotions
•to be okay with not being perfect
•to be more flexible
•to try new things
•to make mistakes and learn from them
•to go with the flow and not force myself into or out of things
•to be honest about how I feel
•to be confident in my work
•to be proud of branching out
•to take time for myself
•to relax or take a break
Overall, I have learned that I am not perfect, and that’s okay (because there is no such thing). But, I’ve also learned that I can be better…in my choices and decisions. Also that there truly is always a choice, and that when I make mine, I will see my life change.
I have also learned what I like and what I don’t. I don’t want to hide my feelings, but I also don’t want to pretend like everything’s fine when it may not be. I want to be happy in the happy moments, and try to enjoy those moments to the fullest.
I know that I don’t want to let fear control my life, and I also don’t want to be ruled by my demons either. I know that there are changes I need to make in my life, but I also know that I need to give myself some credit for how far I’ve come. I have learned a lot recently, and I hope I can look back on these last few weeks and take these lessons with me as I venture forward.
I think that in the back of my mind, I’ll always think I can start over. But I just have to remind myself that if I erased everything, I’d be missing out on the good and bad moments – and you need both to make up life. And I’d rather cry and laugh than just have a fake smile.
Here’s to a new (and another) month – and here’s to new habits, or perhaps, the unlearning of bad ones. Here’s hoping to evolve and see change. Here’s to trying, here’s to growth. Here’s to life and it’s lessons. -K.
What I’ve Learned I have been waiting a while for March to get here. Why? I'll try to explain it here...
IN THE DARK
Running scared
And running away
From all the things
You wouldn’t say
Your mind, restless
It wanders again
To all the places
You’ve never been
Your body, tired
Of all the steps back
Instead of ones forward
The ones that could get you on track
Running and running
You think you’ve escaped
A drink to drown it out
Self medicate the pain
It’s been buried under
Under your skin
I just wanted to share some of the quotes that I recently found online and on social media. They have really spoken to me, so thank you to the wonderfully talented lyricists, poets, and other artists that penned them. My own thoughts or addings-on will be displayed below each quote. I may do a series of these posts, because my mood can change pretty easily, or this may be a one time blog post.…
Lost your balance on a tightrope; lost your mind trying to get it back.” – innocent, t.s. It’s almost like I could feel myself spiraling down this week. It’s funny, one of the celebrities I follow on Instagram posted on Friday that her, her sister & her friends were all having a bad week. So then I didn’t feel so alone. But it still didn’t keep me from feeling out of control. Yesterday I almost…
It’s okay to mess up. It’s okay to not be where everyone else is. It’s okay to try things just because you were being stupid or you wanted to fit in or you wanted this person to like you. Sometimes we lie to people, even those closest to us, about things because we were feeling bad, embarrassed or lame. Sometimes we feel super insecure. Or like we’re playing catch up in the game of life. It’s…
The steam clouded the mirror in her view. She paused, wanting to wipe it away. Instead, she let it slowly dissipate, little by little her skin coming into sight. She instinctively wrapped the towel a little bit tighter around her body as she let the one from her hair fall down. Her hair, blackened by the water, contrasted sharply against her paler complexion. She took note of the new redness that…
Hidden away She figures it’s not her time yet To show him all her scars And secrets The endless ink that spills from her skin The drops of rain she tastes on her tongue He sees her there Lying like it’s her native language Yet he knows that there’s something else there To her That he hasn’t seen yet A darkness that covers her Light She’s swallowed up by heaviness Dark So dark. -k.h. an…
This is a story about a girl named Lucky…
They go… “Isn’t she lovely, this Hollywood girl?” And they say…
She’s so lucky, she’s a star But she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart, thinking If there’s nothing missing in my life Then why do these tears come at night?”
-“Lucky” by Britney Spears
I should be happy.
But I’m not.
I should be excited about getting a new job.
But I’m a mess over it.
Why?
I’m not exactly sure.
I guess I’m feeling down because this new job isn’t that “super cool, super amazing, dream job” that everyone my age seems to be getting right now. And instead of being happy that I have a new position and will be regularly making money, I’m feeling frustrated because it’s not exactly what I want.
Some of these feelings that have come about are no one’s fault but my own. I haven’t exactly been jumping at every sub job or applying to jobs outside of Ohio. The former has been due to my mind’s intrusive thoughts; the latter has been because I’m simply not ready to leave Ohio. And both of these are on me, no one else is to blame.
So why am I feeling bad about leaving subbing behind when I wasn’t actively doing it for a long time? Maybe because of timing. I just decided to go back to it for a couple days next week when this new job position came along. And so now I’ll be subbing next week and then getting acquainted with my new job. And instead of feeling happy to be having these awesome jobs or new opportunities, I’m feeling anxious and down on myself.
Instead of looking at the positives, all I can think about are the negatives. And I just wish my mind would shut up. Because I should feel happy, and I should feel excited. But I’m not and I don’t at this moment. And it sucks.
So what are you supposed to do? I’m reminded of that lyric from that Coldplay song: “When you get what you want, but not what you need” – my situation is just flipped. I do need something where I make more regular money; it’s just not that “dream job” that I want.
I guess a first step is to look at the positives. The pros of the situation.
So what’s to worry about? I guess I’m writing this to remind myself that even if something happens that’s not exactly how you planned or not what you want…you can handle it. And try to remember that it’s something. It’s something more, or maybe even something better than what you had. It’s something more that will help propel you forward in life. Or something you can learn from. Or challenge yourself with.
Take it in stride. You got this. I got this. -K.
Sorting out my feelings about jobs, change and what it means for me right now. This is a story about a girl named Lucky… They go… "Isn't she lovely, this Hollywood girl?"
It’s late at night as I’m typing this. About 11:30pm on Sunday, to be more exact. I’m typing this because I was recently struck by a reality that I hadn’t thought of recently. The reality of life. Instead of ignoring and hiding and running away, I actually physically and emotionally felt those little blips of pain, and fear, and sadness. Those little thoughts that I have pushed away over this extended break and shelved away.
Don’t get me wrong, I did have lots of fun with my family and friends over the holidays; but internally, I was a bit of a mess. Slowly but surely I began to unravel. Not in a complete downward spiral, at least not in a constant state of that anyway. It was more of those ups and downs. Feeling decent one day, then I could be crying the next.
I usually get more down in the wintertime (SAD – seasonal affective disorder) but I noticed the depression came back in the fall more this year too. I guess it kind of happened like that last year too. Although last year (like fall 2016/spring 2017), I had school to distract me somewhat. And now I don’t have that. And since I’m still looking for a full-time job, I don’t have everything all figured out.
I guess that’s where I went wrong: I thought it’d be different. I thought I’d be different.
But in a lot of ways, I’ve realized: I’ve stayed the same. Or been in more of the same situations. Like school, for example. It could be at times, a source of stress for me. But it also provided a distraction and was fun for the most part. Like it was something I kept with, even though it stressed me out. Same thing applies to this whole job hunt: it’s stressful at times but it’s the stage I’m at right now. And I do love my freelance work that I’ve gotten to do! 👩🏻💻
And here I am, still needing change; not feeling like things are okay. That I need to do something to fix it. To make it better.
Because I am not completely happy with where I’m at now. But then again, no one is happy 24/7. But like I said earlier, I have not been severely depressed 24/7 either. Some days have been better than others. I remembered something I once told my counselor: “I just wish for more consistency.”
And that’s the truth. I do want to be more consistent…in habits, in health, in a general routine.
Another truth? I have not been doing all I can do to get better. I have not been caring about myself like I should. I have been letting my depression, ED, anxiety, etc. take control. My life lately has been filled with a lot of toxicity and negativity – all self-inflicted. And that’s sad to me…it’s like, sometimes I can’t even trust myself.
But something more comforting? I have the time to get better. I have the tools I need…I just have to remember to use them. It’s just been difficult because I’ve been out of it for so long it seems like.
I’m not quite sure what the point of this post is, to be honest. I know it’s called “honesty hour” and I know that I’m owning up to things and giving an update…much like a lot of posts I have done recently.
I guess like I said earlier…a lot of things have stayed the same. Or at least, been more of the not so good rather than good. And I just want to not feel so guilty. And ashamed. And I guess that starts with being more honest. It’s worked well for me before. So I’m giving it another try. ❣️ -K.
Honesty Hour It's late at night as I'm typing this. About 11:30pm on Sunday, to be more exact. I'm typing this because I was recently struck by a reality that I hadn't thought of recently.
One of my favorite parts of before I fall 📖
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I’ve honestly been making some pretty bad decisions recently. And I’ve been stuck in the same routine of self blame and sabotage, which only lets the negativity continue. I haven’t been treating myself well & I’ve been lying about it. I’ve not been honest with myself about why I can’t seem to wrap my mind around trying to make myself better instead of worse. And I go on social media or on here…
