Commission @smol-wincheeseter
Note: @smol-wincheeseter Hi hun! Here is your commission. Sorry that I didn’t post it yesterday, my computer crashed☹ I tried to add as many elements as possible, hope you like it, and I hope you’re doing alright!
WARNING: Depression, suicidal thought, self-harm (although prevented) Please read carefully and stay safe!
“Lassie? Is everything alright?”
You were shaken out of your thoughts by the sound of a voice. As you blinked your eyes and became aware of your surroundings again, you noticed Bofur had placed his hand over yours, which were resting in your lap. You turned your head to look at the dwarf and were met with his concerned gaze.
“Bofur?” you asked confused.
“You suddenly stopped carving,” he explained, motioning to the half-finished wooden figure beside you, “and then when I looked up you were scratching your hands and clenching your teeth. Are ya doing okay?” For a moment you just blinked, still processing the words. Then you put up the smile you always wore, and answered,
“Yeah, I’m fine, I was just… distracted for a moment. Thinking about my own world, you know?” and you hoped he would believe you. Bofur simply gave you a sympathetic smile.
“If you ever feel the need to talk about it, or anything at all, I’m always here.” and he gave your hand a friendly squeeze before standing up.
“Now, if my nose isn’t betraying me, I’d say Bombur has finished cooking us dinner, let’s go see what he’s made us.” and he offered you his arm. As you took it you hoped the smile was still present on your face, as only the thought of food made you want to throw up. When the two of you arrived you sat down next to Fili and Kili, quickly joining them in their conversation. Laughter soon filled the air, as you started to crack jokes, making Fili clutch his stomach while his brother almost fell off the log you were sitting on. And then Bombur handed you your plate with food.
“Here you go, y/n!” he said cheerfully, a kind smile on his face, “We got lucky today. I’ve found some really good spices to make it taste extra good, I hope you enjoy it!” and his gaze almost seemed hopeful as he handed you your dinner. You assured him his cooking skills were most excellent, while trying to force down the nauseous feeling in your stomach. Even though it wasn’t a lot of food - the companies rations were scarce, and it was a matter of luck whether or not hunting would offer any food - but you could already feel the calories adding to your body, and it made you sick. Most of the evening you just played around with your food, listening to the talking around you, and every now and then putting a small bite into your mouth when a member of the company was looking your way, when all of the sudden you heard a strange sound next to you. As you turned your head you saw Bilbo trying to sneakily put some of his food on your plate. He abruptly stopped his movements when he noticed you looking at him, and he went beat-red.
“I- I um…”
“Bilbo? What are you doing?” You asked, wondering why that sweet little hobbit, who already had to deal with less meals than he was used to, was putting his food on your still almost full plate.
“Um.. I just- I didn’t mean…” he stammered, before taking a deep breath, “I’m sorry, I just thought that- you haven’t been eating a lot lately, and- and I’m worried about your health so I… I thought you could do with a little more food.” Bilbo had placed his plate back in his lap with his gaze fixed on his feet, hoping you were not mad at him.
“That’s very sweet of you, Bilbo” you swallowed, willing down the upcoming tears, “but you needn’t worry about me, I’m just not that hungry.” You quickly stood up, flashing him a grin before continuing,
“I am rather tired however, so I’ll be heading off to bed now. Good night!” and before Bilbo could say another word you had turned around and made your way for your bedroll, even though you knew sleep wouldn’t come to you that night. You weren’t angry at Bilbo. You knew he only meant to do good, but you couldn’t stand eating the food, couldn’t even bear the thought of having to eat more of the food. As your head hit the pillow, dark thoughts started to consume your mind. How long would you have to go on like this?
*
As the night got darker more and more members of the company made their way to their bedrolls, until eventually only Dwalin and Fili - who were on nightwatch together - and Bofur remained. The latter sat on a big rock overlooking the valley below, smoking his pipe as he was lost in thought. He worried about you. A lot. He noticed you acted rather strange as of late, even though you seemed to try and hide it. At first Bofur figured it was simply the homesickness for your own world that made you seem detached from reality, and that, being as young as you were, it were the travel circumstances that made you seem so tense and exhausted at moments. But then his brother informed him that you started to eat less and less, and he heard from Fili and Kili that most nights you would barely sleep at all. And then there was your strange humming. Now, there was nothing wrong with humming of course, Bofur himself was always singing one kind of folk song or another, so it wasn’t the humming itself that was strange. No, it was what would happen after that. You would get up in the middle of the night and start to wander around, seemingly in trance until Ori had shaken you out of it, or when not even a few days ago, you had come back from bathing in the river, and had cut off all of your hair up until your ears. Bofur had worriedly asked you what happened, but you simply said you had wanted a change of style, and so he had reluctantly dropped the subject.
“You’re thinking about y/n too?” Fili’s voice startled Bofur out of his thoughts, and made him turn his head to look at the blond haired prince.
“Aye, I am.” he sighed.
“She’s been getting worse lately,” Fili continued, “I’m not sure what exactly is going on but, I- I fear she might be hurting herself, and she’s not reaching out for help, so I don’t know what to do.”
“I’ve been trying to keep an eye on her,” Dwalin spoke, who had joined them on Bofur’s other side, “been tryin’ to make sure the lass was eating and stayed in her bedroll, but I can’t stay awake all night.” and the warrior let out an audible sigh. Bofur fondly shaked his head at the warrior.
“Softy.”
“What was that?”
“Nothing! Nothing at all.” and the three dwarves let out a chuckle, but it was short-lived when they simultaneously realized; humming. They whipped their heads around to look at your bedroll, only to find you gone, and so was Fili’s knife. Then Dwalin saw a glimpse of your form disappearing into the forest, and he ran after you, Bofur and Kili hot on his heels.
*
You only faintly realized you were humming as you wandered into the forest, some distant kind of melody from the subconscious of your mind. You didn’t feel the sting of sharp rocks under your bare feet, or the cold wind chilling you to the bone. You just felt tired. Tired and numb. When you stopped walking you had arrived at a small clearing. As you let yourself sink to your knees you started to toy with Fili’s knife, looking at the runes and marking embedded in the blade. It wasn’t your intention to take it without asking, but it was the closest sharp object you could find. You didn’t like the sting of the blade on your skin, you knew you shouldn’t be doing this, but you felt like such a burden to the company of Thorin Oakenshield. You deserved to be punished, didn’t you? You deserved to-
“STOP!”
A startled cry made you look up, and before you knew it someone removed the knife out of your reach and warmth enveloped your body as Fili wrapped his fur coat around you.
“What in Mahal’s name do you think yer doing lass?! Ya could’ve seriously injured yourself!” You recognized Dwalin’s voice. He sounded… almost concerned?
“Y/n… please, don’t do these things to yourself, we care too much for you to hurt yourself.” and it was as you met Bofur’s glassy eyes that tears started to form in yours. A broken sob left your throat as you tried to bury yourself further in Fili’s coat.
“I’m sorry… I’m so, so sorry! I didn’t mean to- I’m so sorry!” and you wept as three pairs of arms surrounded you in a hug, letting out all the hurt and anguish you had bottled up inside you.
“It’s alright lassie,” Bofur choked, “you’re gonna be alright.”
*
Dwalin carried you back to camp as Bofur collected some extra tunics and some warm socks for you to put on. While they helped you get dressed, Fili went to quietly wake up Oìn, softly explaining what had happened. The old dwarf tended to your cuts; cleaning and bandaging them, making no comment except for the shake of his head. When he was finished, he took both of your hands in his, squeezing softly to make sure he had your full attention as he said,
“If you ever need me to patch you up after these kinds of things, don’t be afraid to ask. I will not judge or make any comments, as long as I get to make sure you get looked after.” then he patted your hands one more time, before making his way back to his bedroll.
After that Fili and Dwalin went back to their nightwatch, but not before Fili insisted you kept wearing his fur coat. “You need it more than I do”, he had said. As you looked their way, you noticed Dwalin glancing at you from time to time, as if to make sure you were still there.
“Lassie?” Bofur said, and you turned to meet his gaze.
“I just want you to know that it’s okay not to be okay sometimes. Life isn’t always gonna be great, sometimes it just sucks, and makes you believe you’re things that you’re not, that you’re someone who doesn’t deserve to be here, and when that happens I want you to come to me. I want you to know that you are worth it, so much. And that you are loved, and cared for, and irreplaceable. So please…” and he took his hat off and plopped it onto yours,
“Keep on living, and I promise you, the sun will shine on you again.” and that’s when you knew. That’s when you knew that you deserve people to care for you, you deserve people to tend to your wounds, to tell you it’s gonna be okay, and people to hold you when life feels like drowning you. Fondly gazing at your bandaged wrists, with Fili’s coat around you, Dwalin’s watchful gaze and Bofur’s caring smile, you knew;
You are loved.
I needed this