Just a Humble Meme Farmer

lindt is being sued in a class action in the united states because they are one of MANY brands of chocolate that tested high for heavy metals. and this is despite lindt claiming their chocolate is "expertly crafted with the finest ingredients". no recall was issued after the tests came out. lead and cadmium can fuck the body over BAD.

lindt's genius defense is that they are going to stop saying the whole thing about being expertly crafted with the finest ingredients, so nobody can complain about the heavy metals in their chocolate anymore! and that makes it okay. source: trust me bro

(now please drop the lawsuit thanks)

consumer reports test results of a bunch of different chocolate brands <- original report being referenced

even more chocolate brands that were tested for heavy metals

imagine this. you advertise yourself as "the coolest dude around". your whole persona is being "cool" and "chill". and then one day, you burn someone's house down on purpose. they inevitably sue the shit out of you. and your defense is that you will stop calling yourself "cool" or "chill" so nobody can reasonably expect that you will not set things on fire, because fire is hot, which is the opposite of cool and chill. and therefore everything is fine now and nobody can be mad at you anymore.

that is lindt's defense here.

Cannot FUCKING stand when my loose leaf tea says to add tea in tablespoons instead of teaspoons. I'm sorry, bitch. Am I making tea or am I making a table. Let me double fucking check.

love when ppl defend the aggressive monetization of the internet with "what, do you just expect it to be free and them not make a profit???" like. yeah that would be really nice actually i would love that:)! thanks for asking

Also like. It used to be like that. I think some people forget we had a relatively ad-free internet.

Not only was the internet mostly ad-free, but online ads were almost always presumed to be scams. We would specifically install pop-up blockers because we were so distrusting of ads. Even if they weren't straight up malware, we didn't want people trying to get our money and our data (which is the point of legitimate ads). When did we stop caring?

I just found the earliest email I ever sent from my email address, and it’s the funniest goddamn thing I can possibly imagine a fourth grader sending her teacher:

(Context - my fourth grade teacher was on maternity leave, and the state of the classroom fish tank was dire under the substitute teacher’s tyrannical rule. The class convened at recess, and decided to inform our (24yo, new mother) former teacher of the situation. I was selected as the duly appointed representative for this solemn communication.)

Further context: I am now a practicing attorney.

While the Onion buying InfoWars is indeed extremely funny, very few of the posts I've seen commenting on the sale have mentioned that the families of the Sandy Hook victims apparently agreed to voluntarily reduce their lawsuit payout as part of a deal to ensure that the Onion would acquire InfoWars wholesale, rather than having the company broken up and auctioned off piecemeal, as the latter course could potentially have allowed some of those pieces to end up back in the hands of Alex Jones' cronies.

Like, yes, it is in fact very funny that InfoWars is now a wholly owned subsidiary of Clickhole, but the real props go out to the Sandy Hook families who saw the opportunity and willingly gave up the additional millions of dollars that could have been realised by stripping InfoWars for parts in order to make that happen.

YALL THE ONION BOUGHT INFO WARS IN THE BANKRUPTCY AUCTION

THIS IS THE FUNNIEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME ARE YOU KIDDING ME

this fucking sucks I’m going to [remembers suicide jokes only worsen my mental health] transform the lowest ranking team in class 1 exy into the most inspirational championship winners this towns ever seen

Ngl I totally forgot fandom discourse was a thing. I don’t care man, I have car payments

starting a collection

bruh i used to hide out in the library in middle school during lunch to read because the lunchroom was overstimulating and i had so many bullies and so many issues with eating in front of people so i would just skip lunch and retreat into book time in the safety of the library, and one day the librarian came over and told me the library had started a new "lounge" for honors students in a little sideroom with comfy chairs where students could snack while they read if they want

and i was today years old when i realized i never saw a single other student in that little room that definitely held storage stuff before then and that the librarian absolutely made that up so i would have a safe space to read and be alone and eat in the library

You see it's quite simple: if they call the earth Gaia, it's fantasy. If they call it Terra, that's sci-fi

my new favourite way to fuck with my coworkers is by responding to any minor injuries they get by asking them if the offending object bit them. burned by a hot drink? aw, did it bite you? cut your hand on a sharp edge? oh no, did it bite you? bumped into a table and bruised their shins? guess you got bitten. they know to expect it now but it still gets them every time.

one day i'm going to break my arm and walk in on my first day back with it in a sling and when people ask me what happened say with complete sincerity and gravity that a car bit me

GAY PANIC SHADOWHUNTERS (1.04)

they’ve been working on a fucking prank on me since april i’m so goddamn indignant

tell them what the prank was, clare

so for fucking months now we’ve been saying we were going to watch Blade, because i’d never seen it, but somebody was always too tired or too busy, but tonight we decided fuck it, tomorrow’s ciaran’s friday, let’s watch Blade

the first 40 minutes or so pass with many a delighted exclamation. stan lee was credited & i’m told blade was a marvel property, which is news to me. i’m thoroughly enjoying myself. the cop familiar gets the shit beat out of him & tells blade to check the fridge. the wind roars as the scene transition fades to black.

in fades a helicopter. a man with long dark hair on crutches emerges from it. i do not immediately recognize the man, but from the crutches & the hair i immediately go “morbius??”

they assure me he isn’t morbius. i accept that they don’t want to admit he’s morbius for some reason (maybe they just don’t want me to think blade is in the mcu?) as the entirety of michael morbius’s backstory plays out on screen.

i repeatedly ask “okay but this is literally morbius right” and “why are you doing this” as it becomes increasingly clear that we are now, somehow, watching Morbius (2022). everyone continues to insist it’s Blade (1999) until finally i ask “how long were you planning this” and logan says “you wanna know how long” and gives me a screenshot

fucking months of me genuinely wanting to watch the movie Blade (1999) with my friends and they goddamn Blorbius me. I got Blorbiused.

We stan

I love all the possible implications from: “Mama is trans and wasn’t out back then”, “Mama successfully committed feminist voter fraud”, to “Mama just fucking voted and the people running her local ballot box knew what was fucking good for them and stayed out of her way”. 

I thought this was hilarious when I was drunk

Happy tenth anniversary to Super Mash Potatos.

i hated flintstones zzz