Hi, I hope it's okay to DM. I'm looking for advice while getting into the kink lifestyle/self-realization.

I'm struggling to deal with internalized shame. It's the same old struggle, I'm guessing.

Figured out I'm bi and very, very kinky late last year, kind of all at once. Suddenly liking guys as well was easier to deal with. Realizing I'm into BDSM, hypno, crossdressing, and most of the kinks on your pinned list was... hard.

Some days, I can fully feel okay, and others I feel smothered in shame and depression, like I'm not supposed to want these things. I feel like I'm intruding into a space that I don't have the right to be in.

My question is, how do you recommend new kinksters/subs/etc deal with the question and internalized shame. Or specifically feeling positive about their kinks and the changes that happen as you realize them.

Sorry for a bit of a rant, and thanks in advance if you're willing to give me some advice.

Hey there! Sorry for the SUPER late advice! I hope you're feeling better in the meantime, but if not, I can do my best to offer you 1. some advice and 2. some words of encouragement.

First of all, HELL YEAH. Welcome to the Bisexual Kinkster Club--a club you now belong to because you are kinky and bisexual! Kink rocks! Being bisexual rocks! I am giving you a welcome basket myself.

(The lube tastes like strawberries.)

That being said though, I'm so sorry you're dealing with internalized shame around all of this :( Shame is a very personal thing and can be tricky to deal with, ESPECIALLY when parts of society are telling you the thing you like is wrong, just because they find it disgusting.

But...first of all, disgust-based morality ain't it, chief. It's a one-way ticket to being a miserable, hateful person with Main Character Syndrome and an easy target for fascism. Don't give into it! Don't listen to people who value their own disgust above the needs and happiness of others!

As long as what you are doing is not infringing on the personal rights of others, you deserve to do the things that make you happy. Full fucking stop. (And, newsflash, doing something that just happens to disgust someone is NOT infringing on their personal rights.)

Now, this might be controversial, but I'm going to let you in on a big realization that I had some time in my early 20s: shame is, in my humble opinion, a useless emotion to feel for any duration of time.

It makes you do things you don't want to do. It keeps you from doing things you DO want to do. It lies to you. It eats you alive.

More importantly, though, it's JUST an emotion, and like all emotions, its only job is to try to tell you something. Feeling emotions doesn't make you a good OR a bad person!

Of course, I'm not just telling you "lol just stop feeling things" because that's, like...not possible or healthy. BUT! You are not obligated to feel any emotion that you don't want to feel.

You might, however, want to interrogate the shame, because even if you aren't going to listen to its wishes (right???), it's worth understanding what it's trying to tell you.

So! What is the shame afraid of? What does it want to protect you from? What does it want you to do? Is what it wants you to do in line with your own goals and desires?

If you aren't in alignment with your shame, which I assume you aren't, then you can tell it that.

"I appreciate that you're trying to keep me safe, but I have no reason to be ashamed of the things I like, and I'm not going to let you stop me from enjoying them."

This might sound silly, but once you can speak frankly with your difficult emotions, it gets WAY easier to work through them. Viewing them as parts of yourself that just want to keep you safe is way easier than just dealing with nebulous shame, anger, anxiety, etc.!

And then, there's also the chance that it might be telling you something useful, once you start asking questions.

For example, if the shame is afraid that your friends might judge you, maybe you need to rethink how you navigate your friendships. If it's worried you might be going about a kink all wrong and you'll make a fool of yourself, do some research. If you're overwhelmed by the intensity of a new kink, explore it at your own pace and listen to your feelings about it with curiosity instead of judgment.

Remember: Action TOWARD a goal (in this case, pleasure and fulfillment) is always preferable to an action that AVOIDS negative feelings.

Enthusiasm and self-love are a better motivator than fear and shame. You deserve to be the best, happiest, more joyful version of yourself, and if that includes being a kinky crossdressing hypnotized bisexual, then so be it :)

Hopefully this all makes sense! And hopefully this helps you and others who might be in a similar boat.

Good luck on your journey and happy pride 🌈🏳‍🌈

(Also, please know that I'm always open to give advice. Ask me things. Let me live my know-it-all dreams 😜)