Absolutely losing my mind over this text I got from a client today

the funniest and most tragic moment in steven universe is the scene that implies that Pearl pulls bitches like a professional dog walker but doesn't know how phones work so her place on earth is being a life-changing futch fling for every dyke on the east coast there's probably a gay bar in maryland where they talk about the twiggy bird chick that eats milf pussy like it's the last edible thing on earth and they dont even know about the city full of thousand year old neon lesbian amazons who are pent up 24/7 from The War and leaving room for jesus cause they're always hanging out with their softboy nephew who might be the second coming of christ

(just heard "gock" for the first time and doesn't know how far to run with that) i'm gonna empty my galls in your thunt

uh oohhh forgot to wipe down the cutting board from last night before cutting up strawberries #onionberries #onionberries #onionberries #onionberries #onionberries

As a white enby from Wisconsin “mane if you don’t shut yo bitch ass” just happens to be part of my dialect please don’t bring race into this now if you don’t mind I have some AO3 to attend to

The thing neurotypicals tend not to understand about the ADHD brain is that it really only has two gears

I turn to the chalkboard and carefully write out

WORKIN' HARD

HARDLY WORKIN'

Much like a cars transmission getting stuck between gears the adhd brain can also access a secret mode called HORKLY WARDIN' that feels bad

apparently one of the ways to say "shaved my head" in Japanese is "頭を坊主にした" which is literally something like "did the monk thing to my head"

this post is going around again, with good reason.

with the fullness of time, i can admit i was wrong. "do the monk thing to my head" would be more like "頭を坊主した" or "頭を坊主ことした"

the literal translation of this is closer to "did my head up monkly"

Rocky Horror is turning 50 next month and people still act like being gay was invented by Ellen in 1997

But honestly! Renowned French poet Théophile de Viau wrote the poetic ode to King James titled "The Duke of Buckingham," containing the immortal lines "One man fucks Monsieur le Grand de Bellegarde/Another fucks the Comte de Tonnerre/And it is well known that the King of England/Fucks the Duke of Buckingham" exactly 400 years ago and people still act like being gay was invented by Oscar Wilde in 1890

Niankhkhnum and Khnumhotep were buried together in the 25th century BC and people still act like being gay was invented by renowned French poet Théophile de Viau 400 years ago

Gilgamesh and Enkidu "loved each other like man and wife" in 2700 BC and ppl STILL act like being gay was invented by Niankhkhnum and Khnumhotep in the 25th century BC

lug and grug T4T scissor in cave 2.5 million year ago

Changing pronouns during sex, forcing you to change yours to parry the homosexuality with the right timing

Gay chicken 2.0 just dropped

ROMANTIC MERCENARY: I'll kill anyone... for the right woman

KINDHEARTED BANDIT: cough up yer coin! if you've any to spare that is. I know times are tough. I'm here for you

GNOMISH NEW YORKER: oh my god they hit the twin mushrooms. oh my god its gnine gneleven

I had THE most impeccable dream last night.

trials of a fucking cyberwitch over here

this red-faced old fuck with a louisiana police ballcap comes in for an open-book open-notes open-laptop essay exam for a history course, the kind of test where you can basically write the essay beforehand and copy it down into a blue book. except he made special arrangements so that, using one of our laptops, he could just attach his pre-written essay to an email and send it to the testing center email address so that we could then forward it, in an official capacity, to the professor.

picture the incredulity on his face when i inform him, with infinite patience, that if he is on our computers, he cannot attach a file that only exists on his computer’s hard drive to an email. because it is not on our computers. i ask him if he emailed it to himself. “yes”

it is not in his campus mail. “maybe it’s in my hotmail, how do i open up the hotmail?” i tell him he types in hotmail.com into a new tab. i show him how to open a new tab. he types “HOTGMAIL.CLOM”

i tell him he typed an extra g and l in there. he clicks between the t and the g and hits backspace.

HOGMAIL.CLOM

i have to excuse myself ostensibly to help other testers so that i don’t burst out laughing right then and there. it’s not in his hotmail. it’s not in his aol. every time he feels he has something significant to say to me or wants my attention, he touches my arm. finally he shows me the binder he brought, with a printed-out copy of the essay inside. i say fuck it, we’ll take it (in so many words), oh but the professor doesn’t want it with holes, well fine, we’ll just scan the damn thing and send you on our way

he’s gone now and i’m still losing my shit over HOGMAIL.CLOM

happy 10th anniversary to hogmail dot clom

thank you all for loving hogmail dot clom