Gather round kids while I explain this manipulation tactic that men perpetually try to use and why it’s bullshit.

If someone is openly showing interest in you by making disparaging or disappointed comments about your age, they’re trying to put you on the defensive. This guy wants me to try to quell his discomfort, to bring up that I’m only a month shy of 20, etc. - he wants me to try to prove myself to him, that I’m mature and adult enough for a man like him.

His goal is to establish a power imbalance right off the bat. If we were to date, I would constantly be on the defensive, constantly striving to be an equal, constantly trying to prove my “adult” credentials. Anything he says or does or wants from this point on that I object to would just be seen as a strike against my age, proof that he was right and that I’m not mature enough for him. This is how SO MANY men pressure younger individuals (primarily women and girls) into situations and relationships they aren’t comfortable with. If he truly thought I was too young for him, he wouldn’t have messaged me. This is a very calculated move, and it’s fucking gross.

Adult relationships with age gaps are completely fine, but only if all parties view each other as equals. If someone is trying to set you up in a way that ensures that’s never a possibility, run far away.

READ THIS SERIOUSLY READ THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^^

This this this.

Reblogged for the commentary.

This is really important because I think that educating about power imbalances and how to spot that manipulation is a lot better than saying “young people don’t date older people”. I had people use this kind of tactic on me when I was 18/19 as well and it is really damaging.

*realizes some things* damn, son.

Well this is almost everyone I’ve ever dated :/

Important

Eugh this is so gross.

Every single person needs to know how to identify an abuser, because part of being an abusing is seeming like he isn’t one.

damn.

there has been a pretty far-reaching trend on this website to blog about the effects of mental illness and trauma on emotional regulation and an aggressive campaign to get people to not only understand but accept boundary-crossing behavior from people because it is a reflection of their mental illness/trauma, as far as to imply that you are ableist if you are not able to tactfully handle and accept someone else’s dysfunctional coping mechanisms and behavior despite your own discomfort. i see this most often with posts about bpd but there are other topics as well. i haven’t commented on any of it because it’s not a pie i wanted a finger in, but it has over time led me to develop severe discomfort around people who follow that line of thought to the point that i have disengaged, unfollowed, and unfriended many people who agree with it.

the stuff i’m seeing passed around now about “supporting perpretrators” in addition to survivors is the horrifying track down which that train of thought has sped, because what people don’t seem to understand is that mental illness and trauma do no make you an exception to the boundaries of those around you. it is necessary to be aware of the ways that survivors and mentally ill people may lash out emotionally at those they are close to but it is not actually necessary to be “accepting” to the point that it is harmful to you. your emotional boundaries are important, more important than whatever obligation you feel to “accommodate” someone’s trauma.

it is not “okay” that survivors sometimes display manipulative/abusive behaviors towards the people around them and it is important to handle these situations with tact, sure, but not to the detriment of setting your own boundaries and checking the behaviors in question. when friends i know are mentally ill/ trauma survivors have lashed out at me with emotionally manipulation tactics in times of great distress, i have supported them afterward, but i have always followed this up with a discussion about how these kinds of behaviors can not and will not continue or our relationship will end. this is not “ableist” or refusing to support survivors’ trauma, it is setting strong boundaries within the context of supporting each other and providing the community in which we all can heal. what is important here is that these are isolated incidents – learned defense mechanisms arising in times of panic and stress – and not consistent grabs for power. these are not people following the deliberate, overarching pattern of actions abusers use to isolate and control victims, and their actions are easily distinguishable from such.

my point is that this discourse has allowed people to blur the line between these behaviors and abuse when it comes to community support. we should support abusers in our communities as well, they say, because otherwise we would be isolating vulnerable marginalized people who are just struggling with their own trauma. this is exactly what abusers want. this is not a radical attitude. abusers depicting themselves as helpless victims of emotions and circumstances out of their control has pretty much always been the abuser party line. there is nothing productive or useful or valid about carving out community resources for “accountability” in ways that perpetuate bad abuse politics and logics that have been used to silence survivors for years and years. you cannot support survivors and also support their abusers by continuing to welcome them in the same community spaces, period, and it takes some ridiculous mental gymnastics to pretend otherwise.

This is the exact thing that helped prompt my PSA. I could absolutely see the abuser ready to fall back on the “well I’m an abuse victim too” line. 

Does behaving in a criminal manner mean you weren’t abused, and shouldn’t have access to services that help you to deal with that? No, but it also doesn’t mean you should not be punished, especially when you use your abuse to help you find and target vulnerable people to prey on them.

how can you be so fucking lucky though? 

you write shitty fanfiction and get the chance to turn it into a book 

and then you get a fucking movie on top of it

why can’t this happen to me 

my fanfics are also shitty and cater to the fantasy of many women 

only difference is that i don’t romanticise domestic abuse

every fanfiction-author out there.

If only it was “luck”

Great fandom history at that link, and analysis of some specific dynamics in the Twilight fandom’s relationship to canon.

Fascinating read at the link…

Good god, until now I only really thought E.L was a shitty writer and possibly a moron. Turns out she’s a manipulative genius and probably evil.

This is incredible. Everyone read that post. 

This is so fucking disgusting.

This is why no one trusts straight cis men. Y’all are fucking manipulative.

Its not that serious

Extended translation: “I don’t care about what jokes are and how they influence society and its aggregate behavior. I don’t care that memes are made by people who express their own lived-in experiences and behavior through humor, and the fact that someone made this meme after having a similar experience. In fact, I don’t want to think about anything I do or say that much.”

In short: Get the fuck out of my face with your bullshit. Men actually fucking do this, this isn’t just some fucking joke that has no reflection or credence in real life.

it’s so disturbing to think back and realize the stuff you allowed people to do to you simply because you didn’t respect yourself enough to not let it happen

You Are Not My Responsibility

Can we talk some more about how guilt tripping someone for not being interested in you is a really shitty thing to do? Look, I’m sorry you’re lonely or depressed or  whatever. Those are bad things and having to deal with them isn’t fun. But I am not responsible. It is not my job to sacrifice my autonomy to make you feel better. Your attraction to me does not make your well-being my responsibility. And to use your unhappiness as a tool to coerce me into a relationship or a sexual situation that I’m not comfortable with is abusive and wrong.

Anybody who’s had to put up with this kind of emotional manipulation - you deserved better. You always deserve better. And you aren’t wrong to say no.

“remove people from your life without explaining!” this is abuse

“move on from people who did something wrong once!!” this is abuse

“abandon people you’ve known for years!!! be selfish!!!!!” this is abuse

This whole post is a giant fucking guilt trip against anyone who has ever had to cut ties with an abusive or toxic person.

Yeah it’s courteous to explain why you’re leaving, but you don’t have to especially if you don’t feel comfortable or safe telling them the bad news.

If your boyfriend punches you in the face, it’s not fucking abusive to leave him even if he only did it once.

And who gives a flying fuck how long you’ve known someone? That doesn’t mean jack if they’re mistreating you or and making you miserable.

It’s not. Fucking. Abusive. To leave someone for your own sake, it’s your prerogative to cut ties with people who hurt you or make you upset, and this post is fucking garbage. Leaving someone is incredibly hard to do and can be lifesaving, so don’t fucking guilt people for deciding what is right for their own well being.

True story when I was in college

Sansa Stark + manipulation (requested by anonymous)