"Moshangliu with Shang Qinghua topping both of his boyfriends," I say into the mic. The crowd cheers.

cds are truly superior to aux for listening to music in a car because you can tell your passenger that they get to pick one of YOUR cds to put in, granting them the ILLUSION of control while still guaranteeing you dont have to listen to anything you dont like

so in third grade I told two of my friends I could talk to horses & made up a really dramatic backstory of how I “discovered” my powers & our teacher overheard us talking about it and told the child psychologist I was seeing for insomnia issues & the child psychologist asked me about it & I was first and foremost terrified that if I admitted to the lie, this medical professional would tell my friends I made it all up

so I doubled down and insisted I could really talk to horses. I was doing major damage control. I didn’t realize you can’t just tell psychiatric professionals you have magic powers, I was 8.

so I ended up in counseling for this for an entire year until eventually I just stopped going for some reason but when I was 20 the office contacted me to tell me the psychologist was retiring & asked if I wanted a copy of my childhood records before they were filed away and eventually shredded & I said sure & went over them & discovered that she had diagnosed me with “psychotic delusions” bc I was 8 and apparently convinced her I truly thought I could talk to horses.

genuinely cannot tell if I my parents should’ve been cashing in on me as the most sought-after child actor of the era or if that psychologist was just extremely so so so bad at her job.

I also figured out I stopped seeing her because she told my parents the diagnosis and my dad was like “she’s doesn’t think she can talk to horses!!! she’s lying to you 😭😭😭😭” but she didn’t believe him

i say i was a weird-horse-girl in elementary school and you say “me too” but did it get you a psychiatric diagnosis

I was gone for 3 years during which time I became a professional column writer for various magazines. i wish what brought me back was an insatiable passion for storytelling but unfortunately it was a need to post about baldur’s gate 3

Settle a bet.

soooo true bestie

NO ONE GETS THEIR ASS BEAT IN A POLL LIKE GASTON

POCKY !

trump dies of congestive heart failure before being sworn in charge to like cast to reblog

kitten, stop fucking around and tell daddy where you hid his prozac or daddy's gonna add another 'hey there delilah' to the sex playlist

why do you guys only like my bad posts

hi prev i read all my tags anyway my wife watches house and she says you’re right

yesterday I sarcastically made up the tech company names "Trimble" and "Plinq" and then to my horror discovered that both actually exist

one of us is having a stroke and I'm worried it's me

i summon Shower Orange. fun treat for the shower.

Percy listens to those whale noises that people use to sleep and he just listens to them like a podcast.

And any time he hears someone like Annabeth listening to them he's like "Wow Daphne is really something else. Honestly I can't believe she would do that"

And Annabeths's like "what?"

And Percy just translates the entire thing to her and instead of calming sounds to help her concentrate she now has Percy tell her all the whale drama which she is oddly immersed with.

i used to do this musical theatre day camp when i was a teenager & for the most part the performances were u know. well-known musicals by enthusiastic teens w no sets or costumes rehearsed over a couple of days. you can imagine.

but anyway one year they put on Little Shop of Horrors, a show that is notably difficult to stage on a budget of no money due to typically featuring well u know a giant plant puppet.

the way they decided to stage this was, they got a bunch of green rubber gloves. when Audrey II first appeared he was 1 kid using their gloved hand like a puppet. u know what i mean.

but then as Audrey II got bigger they had more and more kids put on green gloves and join the plant. when a character got eaten their actor would become part of the plant.

by the end of the show every actor in the chorus was part of Audrey II except for the kid playing Seymour, who played his final scene against a mob before being eaten.

& then for the finale the entire company played Audrey II.

i still think about this sometimes. it was such a genuinely ingenious way to stage the show without puppets. legitimately unsettling to watch. what the fuck!!

would he fucking say that? let's investigate.

update: i investigated a little too hard. this oneshot is now 6.3k words long

Likes to charge reblogs to FUCKING cast

Please for the love of god. You should be able to change controls WITHOUT TAKING YOUR EYES OF THE ROAD. There is no reason to have to look at a SCREEEN while DRIVING

And now, a brief look at the human fucker community on a monster version of tumblr

🐙 WetterThanYou Follow

It's so sad that humans can't breathe underwater, makes bringing them to my lair so much harder

👺Ascetic-more-like-ass-cetic Follow

Was anyone going to tell me humans can't breathe underwater or was I supposed to just learn that from a text post?

🐙WetterThanYou Follow

Please tell me you didn't seriously look at humans and go 'they look like they can breathe underwater'

👺Ascetic-more-like-ass-cetic Follow

I thought they were like lions and how some live in the sea :(

🦁BEaST-MAN Follow

DID YOU THINK SEA LIONS WERE LITERAL LIONS?!

👺Ascetic-more-like-ass-cetic Follow

They're not? 😭😭😭

(10,053 Notes)

🐺HereWolf Follow

Vampires will be like 'I love humans' and then transform every human they know into another vampire. Weak. You are like someone who only watches Marvel movies and calls themselves a filmbuff.

🏏Batass Follow

Hey OP this is an important part of many vampire cultures so you should tone it down because this is really offensive.

🐺HereWolf Follow

You should get a culture that isn't fucking lame.

🦁BEaST-MAN Follow

OP you are literally a werewolf. And into throwing stones in glass houses I guess.

🐺HereWolf Follow

Gurl you don't know the amount of effort I put into keeping my human girlfriend a human girlfriend because I love her for being a human.

(8,000 Notes)

💚CraftedLove Follow

In the club on a date with a human straight up breaking it. And by 'it,' haha, well. Let's just say. His sanity.

(42,069 Notes)

🧙‍♂️ Crystal-Rooster-and-Orbs Follow

Sick of getting added to group chats like 'plots to overthrow our lieges.' Yes, I am both an evil wizard and an evil vizier. But I'm not plotting any treachery because my king is also evil, and so is my queen. We are in an evil polycule and give each other evil night kisses.

🧙‍♂️ Crystal-Rooster-and-Orbs Follow

Also stop telling me about the evil queen's OnlyFans like the king and I aren't helping her run it. Who do you think is taking the pictures? You have no idea how many evil yet deeply impractical schemes it's given us the economic cushion to do.

(48,835 Notes)

🤼‍♂️Bitch-of-Heracles Follow

Need me a human who will hold me like this and just destroy me 😍

♣️HeraclesOfficial✅ Follow

Hey.

🤼‍♂️Bitch-of-Heracles Follow

WHY DID NOBODY THINK TO WARN ME HERACLES WAS ON THIS WEBSITE?!

(33,333 Notes)

when i was reading the book entangled life which is about fungi and the author merlin sheldrake said that once he got his first author copies he was going to dampen the pages and use them to grow oyster mushrooms and yeast and then use the yeast to brew beer and then drink the beer with the mushrooms to complete the cycle of fungal knowledge. i was like really and truly this guy gets it

he ate his own words.

But really and truly. The cycle is not complete until he dies.

I’m not sure how or why, but this is goth as FUCK. 

his brother cosmo is a musician and made a theme song for it and god I wish it was longer because it slaps

Wait this is Cosmo Sheldrake's brother why did it take me until I heard him sing to put that together