This has gone on for too long

This is very high on my list of favorite Onion articles.

this is from 2003

I really cannot overstate the extent to which every fucking conversation on the eve of this war was exactly like this

Think about this a lot

I need people to understand that the viral onion article that’s going around has been posted five times over the years, always verbatim except for the name of the city and number of dead.

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Staring down in shock and turning pale, the host of Wednesday night’s $700 million Powerball lottery reportedly muttered to herself in utter horror after the randomized drawing produced an entirely unmarked, pitch-black ball. “32, 16—Oh, dear God…. No, no, no,” said Powerball host Laura Johnson, who trembled visibly as the black and otherwise featureless ball came to a rest at the end of the machine’s display tube. “How could this happen? Oh Christ, not yet! Please, not yet! Jesus, they said we’d have more time. They said we’d … oh no, no—” At press time, viewers of the drawing reported seeing the studio lights flicker followed by an unearthly scream just as the televised feed cut to static.

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

How could I be so stupid to think that a girl would actually like me for who I am, instead of my admittedly comprehensive library of the manga series about a swordsman embarking on a journey of redemption through Meiji-era Japan in atonement for his former life as a vicious Tokugawa government assassin?

God, I’m getting so sick and tired of this happening all the time.

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