C3E78 // C2E131

I think a crucial element to understanding why Ashton is so receptive to Bells Hells is that they very clearly stayed with him. Fearne was furious, which is different than apathy, and left after being encouraged to cool down elsewhere, Laudna's reasons for leaving were far more tied to the risk of Delilah trying to absorb the shard, and Imogen and FCG stayed and talked to them. Anger is very different from abandonment, especially this anger, which was complicated and about many things, but in part about Ashton's own self-destructive tendencies.

I think there are three specific moments that make it particularly clear, although everyone (save Orym, who will presumably have his chance next episode) has their moment:

The first is Ashton admitting to Imogen "I'd have killed me" were the situation reversed, to which Imogen tells them the party spent too much effort keeping them alive to undo it. It's both true regarding their current feelings (ie, angry but still present) and true that Bells Hells could have bailed during that long minute and Ashton would have been left for dead permanently this time. It also is a call-back to how Ashton used to talk about the Nobodies leaving them: "I'd have done the same." Imogen rejects that; she is not doing what Ashton would.

The second is FCG and Ashton's conversation alone after Imogen leaves. FCG tells Ashton the party cares, but it seems that Ashton does not, leading Ashton to admit that he cares about the others, but not himself, and that his feelings about FCG's lack of self-regard in part came from the fact that he has the same problem.

The third is Chetney telling Ashton to leave. It's harsh. It also puts the burden of movement on Ashton. Chetney isn't telling the rest of Bells Hells to run and leave Ashton; he's telling Ashton that it's his choice, through word and action, to either be a part of the party or not. In the past, Ashton was never granted a choice. They were simply left behind. When Ashton chooses to stay and comes down to breakfast following morning, Chetney immediately validates this decision.

The theme is clear throughout: Ashton was the one who came closest to cutting and running this time, not the other way around, and they know it.

"Will you hold me?"

"Always."

Nothing like an emergency craft session in the burned out hollow of your former home.

I’m obsessed with the way Laudna says, “Here Ashton, I made you a doll, because you’re a child.” The way those words are so cutting, so derisive.

But then Ashton says, “Thank you. I love it. I’ve never had a doll.” Completely genuine.

And Laudna smiles, and Laudna says, “I love children.”

And even though she was angry, so angry, so angry she thought she might kill Ashton when she saw him. She still made him a doll. And he loves it. And they have such a beautiful conversation.

There’s just something about how that conversation could have been so cold, so angry, but it wasn’t, and I’m obsessed with it.

“I made you a doll because dolls are for children and you are a child."

“I…I’ve never had a doll before.”

Ashton’s permanent loss of constitution has lowered their AC from 18 to 17 and lowered their HP from 124 to 113.