just when I feel like I finally have the spoons to catch up on inbox asks, I have a close call almost-encounter with the Abuser and it screws me up the entire rest of the day

My online therapist has been awol for the last two months so I have no idea what to do about all the Thoughts and Emotions that keep bowling me over like freight trains. It should truly be illegal to have this many insecurities, paranoias, and general brokenness-es/holes in one's soul/whatever.

Apologies to Kirk and Spock, but I don't think I'm gonna make it.

Anyone willing to share the cheat code for "stop having nightmares about my abuser?"

CW selfish triggery mental-illness melodrama ahead

maybe I'm just one of the ones who doesn't make it

Reasons I Can't Ask For Help

I know it's all hormones and only a temporary/hypothetical "desire" (because as soon as the actual prospect of Being Touched At All By Anybody arises I try to get away as fast as possible) but I just wish I knew at all in any capacity what it might actually feel like to be held or snuggled or comforted physically in any way, like with fingers/hands/arms, hugs?, caresses??, hand holding, hair petting, or just whatever is involved in the comfort part of hurt/comfort, like what even is "intimacy" or "closeness"

Legitimate psychology question/concern, but I'm putting it under a cut because it involves toxic friendships, abuse, mental health issues, etc. so please mind the trigger warnings in the tags.

I feel like I'm trying to do this really small thing that somehow seems like a really big step away from continued self torture, but I can't quite actually get up the nerve to do it. Is that... normal? Or just really pathetic?

If you guys will forgive me, I think I just need to unload my anxiety and depression for a hot second because my “irl friends” don’t speak to me anymore and I can’t go over this with my family yet so I’m at a loss for whom to tell. Also if you happen to read all this and have any suggestions, I’m desperate and open to pretty much anything at this point.

I have to go to my gp within the next couple weeks for my annual checkup/prescription renewal, and my therapist has been recommending I ask for a bump up in my antidepressant dosage. I agreed because my health has been getting worse and worse for the last year, but then I did the research and… The next level of dosing is the maximum they give anyone over a period of more than a few days (225mg), and while I can get my current dose (150mg) in a capsule, the increase only comes in a tablet form. Currently, I fill it at Walgreens and pay about $38/month for 30 pills, which is… fine. I have no insurance, so I really couldn’t ask for a much better price. But if I get this increase? The lowest prices mentioned online (from pharmacies we don’t even have in the Midwest) are in the $150/month range and up (Walgreens was at about $165). That’s four to five times the cost I’m paying right now. For a 50% increase on the same drug.

(I know, in theory I could just ask for a different medication altogether. But I’m really emotionally unstable and honestly don’t think I can handle another total drug switch/substitution right now. I’ve gone through that months-long process numerous times in the last decade and I know from experience how poorly my body adapts to it.)

I’m unemployed, and I keep getting turned away from jobs (even before I have the chance to either disclose or lie about my mental illness). I live with my parents, who already cover far more of my expenses than they should. I live with crippling guilt and shame for all of this every day (never thought I would be thirty years old and this much of a failure). And when I started meds (~10 years ago) and therapy (last October), I was determined not to make them hoof the bills for it. So instead of the $194/month that I’m currently spending on my mental health from my rapidly dwindling savings account (the $38ish for drugs and $156 for therapy, which is already a 40% financial aid/hardship discount because I have no income), I would be looking at something like $321/month.

Not sure why I’m sharing any of this really, but I guess I just want to put it out there into the world that… this sucks and I’m losing my shit about the whole situation because I have no idea what I’m going to do. I’ve lost God only knows how many hours of sleep because of my mental health. I’ve lost my only friends over it. I bawled my eyes out so many times this week (privately, of course) that I stopped keeping count. I feel like I’m falling apart and the only way forward is to just keep falling apart until there’s nothing left of me anymore.

Anyway. Sorry for the tangent. Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

((Depressed ramblings, just ignore))

Wondering what TOS Kirk and/or Spock would have to say to a 29-year-old virgin who has never had a real date (let alone a committed relationship), never been told they're beautiful or sexy, never been kissed out of love (instead of revenge).

What would they tell a person who was bullied all through school, emotionally/sexually abused and manipulated by a family friend for ten years, abandoned by every friend they ever made, used as a prop to make someone else jealous, and persistently (painfully) ignored and/or flat-out rejected as a romantic prospect by every other person they've ever met?

What would they say to someone who has dreamed of love their whole life, risked it over and over only to be clobbered every time, never been worth that risk to anyone else, and now feels so bitter and worthless and distrustful of every Human ever that they have finally come to actually fear the idea of commitment or intimacy or love since the pursuit of those things has literally almost killed them countless times in the past?

I would try to pursue this in a fic, but honestly... *shrug* I'm at a loss. I got nothing. I get as far as them listening and rubbing my back and looking sympathetically at me, but when either of their imaginary mouths opens, nothing comes out.