Thank you so much, friend 💙💛💙💛 I really appreciate your readership, your support, and your encouragement. I don't deserve any of it, and I'm shocked and humbled that anything I wrote could have had such an effect--so thank you even more 😔💔💛💙💛💙

I just mentioned this to someone else, but if there's anything I've put on ao3 that you might want to have permanent access to, I would advise downloading it. I feel so bad that my work hurt someone and I don't want to risk doing the same thing to anyone else, so my account or fics might be deleted/orphaned sometime soon. If it comes to that, I'll mention it here and on ao3 before I do anything, but... no time like the present, better safe than sorry, I guess.

Thank you again for being so kind and generous to me 😔💔💜💜💜 And please take care of yourself. 🖖💙💛

Thank you so much for reading my fics... and for your support 💙💛💙💛 This has been a really difficult couple of weeks/months for me and at this point I'm still not certain what to do, either with that review or with my ao3 account in the future. I've "hidden" the offending story for now so that others don't have to encounter it and potentially be hurt by it.

At this point... I want to tell you that if there's anything I've posted on ao3 that you might want to keep having access to, please download it. And I swear I'm not trying to be melodramatic or fish for compliments/pity or anything like that. I'm just so ashamed of myself and I'm afraid of hurting anyone any further, so I truly have been very seriously considering orphaning or deleting my fics (to be honest, I've been considering that for almost 2 years now). If I do, though, I'll make a note of that decision here as well as on ao3. You're probably one of about two whole people who might actually want to download anything I've written, but even so, I promise I won't delete anything without some kind of heads-up.

Thank you again, x infinity, for your kind, sweet, generous words and heart 😔💔💙💛💙💛💙💛 I don't deserve to have souls as good as you reading my stuff or this mess of a blog... but that fact makes me all the more grateful for you. 💛💙💛💙

Take care of yourself, friend 💜

cw abuse mention, depression/anxiety spiralling

when the depressive episode is about to absorb you and you know it's coming but you're powerless to stop it

I have no one to recover for.

You know? Like grammatically in the same sense as "no one to come home to." I guess my parents for now, but once they're gone...?

(And no, recovering just for my own sake is not enough. The thought alone makes me feel selfish/guilty/arrogant.)

It's 2am, nothing is wrong, and for absolutely no reason whatsoever (aka depression) I feel so monumentally and enormously Sad that I could just curl into a ball and wait to die.

My online therapist has been awol for the last two months so I have no idea what to do about all the Thoughts and Emotions that keep bowling me over like freight trains. It should truly be illegal to have this many insecurities, paranoias, and general brokenness-es/holes in one's soul/whatever.

Apologies to Kirk and Spock, but I don't think I'm gonna make it.

God, I wish I was brave enough to just ask somebody for a hug. 😣🤦💥☠

it took 2 days but yes I am finally now deeply embarrassed by the poor quality of my lunar/astrophotography thanks universe 👍

I think maybe I just want to scream

My life feels so... insipid. Every day is the same, every feeling is exhausting. I have no goals, no idea who I am or want to be, and no desire to do the things I used to enjoy. For roughly 10 months I've even been too nervous? anxious? depressed? to read comments I've gotten on my fics. What is even the point of asking "What's the point?" anymore?

(cw: self harm, depression, fatigue, loneliness/isolation)

8:15am still awake, haven't slept, doesn't even matter because my life Genuinely Has No Purpose. I feel as if there simply is no help for me (and even if there was, I'm sure I couldn't afford it). Some people just don't make it, right? Assuming I'm one of them, can't I just be done already?