simultaneously incoherently excited about the possibility of top surgery

and

feeling guilty for not just resolving to keep enduring the pain + self-hatred and using that obscene sum of money on charitable donations or my niblings' education or something more selfless/helpful to the world

(and trying not to even think about the fact that I've never been under anaesthesia before so deep deep down I'm probably also mortally horrified by the prospect of being operated on)