Pattern:
- Depression clamps down on me particularly hard, making me lethargic, apathetic, and quiet
- I take too long trying to come up with an answer to "What's going on [with you emotionally]?"
- My only in-person support person sighs in frustration and mumbles something sarcastic about the futility of asking me anything because obviously my extended silence means I don't want to talk to them
- I feel even worse than before 👍🏼
- Repeat in a few days
#not trek#personal log#tw: depression#tw: mental disorder#tw: mental illness#tw: mental health#depression#mental disorder#mental illness#mental health#i struggle to communicate verbally#i feel like i've been put on the spot and am being stared at and pressured to respond immediately#but i don't even know what's wrong most of the time so how am i supposed to respond?#afraid of saying something that's not true i try not to speak until i know i'm saying the correct thing#but by the time i've figured it out i've become the rude bad guy because i 'won't speak to [them]'#aka i'm the asshole for being offered the attention/help i always cry out for but then clamming up/being too chicken shit to use my words#i also hesitate to speak plainly because they are always on their phone and/or tablet and/or watching tv#so i never feel that i have their full attention in the first place#and being ignored or interrupted are major triggers of my anxiety/depression shut-down response#because i interpret these as indicators that i am not worthy of someone's attention or patience#anyway what kind of person wants to hear that i'm just depressed for no reason every damn time they ask?#nothing is wrong and everything is wrong all at once#and i don't know how to say this without being repetitive or attention-seeking or plain old annoying#because it's the same story every time#feeling like a broken record#jtkchu's brain#poor communication#soul sick