lying awake all night thinking/crying about the time someone told me to my face that I look like a troll, then went [even further] out of their way to clarify that they didn't mean a troll doll (i.e. endearingly ugly) but rather the trolls of, like, Norse mythology or folk/fairy tales that live under bridges and eat goats and wayward children or whatever

Wtf, even just browsing job sites / listings / descriptions is enough to make me nauseous with anxiety and depression. When, why, and how did I ever become such a useless and pathetic mess?

just when I think I can't possibly despise myself more than I already did

well, I have successfully alienated at least two more people who used to be able to tolerate me (online, i.e. even the guarantee of never having to interact with me physically/in person is not enough for me to hold onto a friendship anymore)

if you haven't gotten sick of me yet, thank you 😓 but please also be advised that it's only a matter of time

just. 🤦🤦🤦

first time in a year that I've had... I'm not sure, either the courage or the sheer stupidity to actually read a comment on one of my stories, and it's a diatribe about how badly and negatively I portrayed Kirk (aka my literal favorite Trek character ever), asking if I hate him or Shatner because I wasted so many words on being rude to/about him, and not-so-subtly accusing me of fatphobia/fat shaming/ageism.

if all of my ao3 and tumblr materials ever disappear, just... don't be surprised.

do you ever just feel like such an idiot

A few months back, I got a very sweet anonymous message that (among other things) suggested something along the lines of, "Sounds like maybe you need a friend." Turns out I've thought about that one little idea ever since and... damn, were they right. It's hit me harder and harder the longer I've considered it because despite its apparent simplicity, it actually describes possibly the biggest and most consistent problem I've had my entire life.

If you're still around, anon, thank you for your concise yet poignant wisdom. I just wish I knew what to do about it.

My online therapist has been awol for the last two months so I have no idea what to do about all the Thoughts and Emotions that keep bowling me over like freight trains. It should truly be illegal to have this many insecurities, paranoias, and general brokenness-es/holes in one's soul/whatever.

Apologies to Kirk and Spock, but I don't think I'm gonna make it.

I need to take a course in "how to leave people the f*ck alone." Is anybody offering that right now?

CW selfish triggery mental-illness melodrama ahead

maybe I'm just one of the ones who doesn't make it

Reasons I Can't Ask For Help

whining

Literally 100% alone for the week.

I feel like I'm trying to do this really small thing that somehow seems like a really big step away from continued self torture, but I can't quite actually get up the nerve to do it. Is that... normal? Or just really pathetic?