when the depressive episode is about to absorb you and you know it's coming but you're powerless to stop it

on depression and hurt/comfort

here’s the thing about being depressed in real life: it’s lonely and isolating and scary and numbing and there are times when you so badly want someone, anyone to notice, but you can’t bring yourself to tell them what the problem is because then they’ll know, and sometimes there’s other terrible shit you’re dealing with in tandem and sometimes it’s just the depression, but either way, it can easily reach a point where you start wishing something visibly awful would happen to you just so you’d have a reasonable excuse to be feeling as though it already had, like it would somehow be easier to wake up wanting to die if you could blame it on something other than just your brain, if there was a cause, even though you rationally know it doesn’t work like that, that it would only make things worse; and it’s messy and hard and it goes on forever and there’s no simple catharsis, you’re often surrounded by people who don’t understand or whose issues don’t play nicely with yours even though you’re both trying, and you can’t see a reasonable end in sight and you just want to believe that it’s going to get better -

and here’s the thing about hurt/comfort in fanfiction: it takes all that fear and pain and loneliness you’re feeling IRL and channels it into characters you care about, characters who always pull through against all odds, characters whose stories you can control, characters whose lovers or friends or parents can tell them the things you wish that someone had said to you, and you know from the outset that even when they’re bloody and crying, it’s going to get better for them, that they’re going to be good to each other and fix each other and listen and understand, because that’s what those stories are for, it’s what they do, and whether you’re the one writing them or reading them, they speak to that place in you that hurts, they show you it can get better, they tell you it’s not your fault, they let you feel all the grief in your life in a way that’s safe, cathartic, hopeful, because the story brings you through the darkness and out the other side -

because ultimately, hurt/comfort isn’t just about the characters. it’s about us being hurt and needing comfort, too.

#not trek #personal log #depression #mental health #hurt/comfort #fanfiction #fanfic #fiction #writing #soul sick #heartsick #loneliness #isolation #damn is this my life or what #thank you for putting this feeling into intelligent and intelligible words #reborg

jimkirkachu

My life feels so... insipid. Every day is the same, every feeling is exhausting. I have no goals, no idea who I am or want to be, and no desire to do the things I used to enjoy. For roughly 10 months I've even been too nervous? anxious? depressed? to read comments I've gotten on my fics. What is even the point of asking "What's the point?" anymore?

#not trek #personal log #tw: depression #tw: anxiety #tw: mental health #tw: mental illness #tw: loneliness #tw: isolation #depression #anxiety #mental health #mental illness #loneliness #isolation #jtkchu's brain #stfu jtkchu #whining #complaining #soul sick #heartsick #for reference #edit: yes I take antidepressants and yes I am in therapy but nothing seems to help me function anymore #oh and apparently I am extremely selfish and always will be because I don't have children and never intend to #I can/will never have Love #can't find a job because I have too many traumas and mental illnesses and no employer is ever going to accommodate or insure all that #and I've even had to avoid my own church for years because my abuser goes there #so once we remove God and family and work and 'activities you once enjoyed'... what even *is* there anymore?#I feel like the world has failed so many of us but there isn't a damn thing I can do about any of it #even donating to causes I care about makes me feel stingy/like I'm not doing enough because it's Just Money (& tiny amounts of it to boot)

jimkirkachu

"But I beg you, O Lord my God, to look upon me and listen to me. Have pity on me and heal me, for you see that I have become a problem to myself, and this is the ailment from which I suffer."

(x)

jimkirkachu

Quick question for anybody who knows: is RSD specific/exclusive to ADHD, or is it its own thing that anybody can have?

#not trek #tw: adhd #tw rsd #rejection sensitive dysphoria #rejection sensitivity #mental health #my google searches have been an exercise in futility and mixed messaging

jimkirkachu

The only parts of my identity which I feel at all certain about are the parts that have been designated as disorders...?

#I don't know who I am... I guess?#but I'm 31 years old how can I know less about myself now than I ever have #identity #identity crisis #identity confusion #questioning #gender identity #sexuality #mental illness #mental disorder #mental health #not trek #personal log #jtkchu's brain #I don't know #I really truly don't #please ignore #for reference

jimkirkachu

too many of my depressive episodes are triggered simply by knowing I will never actually get to be involved in any official Star Trek media

(other average humans come be miserable with me)

#tw: depression #depression #star trek #star trek fandom #tw: intrusive thoughts #intrusive thoughts #real life #daily life #small life #personal log #jtkchu's brain #for reference #soul sick #tw: mental health #mental health #anyway i'm sorry #being an ordinary unremarkable person just sucks sometimes

jimkirkachu

Anonymous asked:

I've always thought that the real heroes are those who look an ugly reality in the face and still choose to go on, day after day. Everyone can be strong when they're cared for, when family and society make them feel like they have a place that's just right for them. But to be strong when your mental or physical health is not ideal, that takes guts. And by strong I simply mean that you wake up and you get through the day, one way or another. I, and many others, respect you just for that.

Good heavens... anon, you are so so so so sweet and generous 😥😥💜💜 I'm overwhelmed and have no idea how to even begin to thank you for such kind words?!??!????? Of course I don't feel worthy of this kind of support or encouragement... but WOW am I grateful to you for it. The holidays are always hard for me, and things have calmed down a little now but you're right, it's a crapshoot every day with mental (or physical) illness. I just hope other people who struggle with these things might read your beautiful note here and feel uplifted by it, too. Thank you so very much for being such a loving and compassionate soul ❤🧡💛💚💙💜

#ask #anon ask #ship's intercom #kind words #something nice #sweet humans are sweet #thank you so much for your kindness #mental health #tw: mental health #jtkchu's brain #personal log #for reference #encouraging words #soul sick

jimkirkachu

when you finally admit that it's been a rough day/week/month/year/decade/life because of mental illness and you could really use even the slightest gesture of help or comfort

jimkirkachu

whether it's factually accurate or not, and whether I am entitled/allowed to feel these things or not, I currently feel

unwanted/like a nuisance
privileged + ashamed/selfish
alone
useless
hopeless

jimkirkachu

Anonymous asked:

Your vaguely-lookalike Kirk (/Shatner) here. Offering you one of those soft Kirkian hugs. How are you doing? If it's a negative rant, I don't mind hearing it. Laugh, cry, shout about space husbands or mumble incoherently into a pillow; whatever you need, if you need it. As always, I love the blog and thank you for being you. X

Is it inappropriate to propose marriage to someone whose tumblr handle you don't even know? (Only kidding, of course; I wouldn't wish me on anyone, let alone a Real-Kirk lookalike. 💛)

KirkAnon, I cannot even tell you how badly I've needed this. 😖😖😔😢😖😔😖😖😢😢😔😢😖😖😖 This whole week has been atrocious, my chest still hurts from how hard I cried two nights ago. The great part about it is that nothing is even "wrong," it's just how my brain and body work. On top of being too afraid to ask anyone for help (besides through pathetically desperate/selfish cries for attention here or in the two discord servers I've already annoyed to death), I don't even know what anyone could actually do that might help me in any way. I'm a piece of work. I just feel really really bad for my therapist.

Honestly though... I appreciate you so much, but you'll just end up getting your uniform all wet and gross if you let me hug you. Your kindness and comfort would be far better spent on some other crew member who might really be capable of being helped. But dear merciful heavens, I'm so grateful just for the offer and for your time that even though I know this is an utterly inadequate response, I wish I could somehow repay you with flowers or cookies or something for having made my soul feel a little bit less sick and broken today. Thank you, you benevolent angel, from every last molecule of my overwhelmingly unworthy being. 😢💔💙💛💙💛💙💛

jimkirkachu

Pattern:

Depression clamps down on me particularly hard, making me lethargic, apathetic, and quiet
I take too long trying to come up with an answer to "What's going on [with you emotionally]?"
My only in-person support person sighs in frustration and mumbles something sarcastic about the futility of asking me anything because obviously my extended silence means I don't want to talk to them
I feel even worse than before 👍🏼
Repeat in a few days

#not trek #personal log #tw: depression #tw: mental disorder #tw: mental illness #tw: mental health #depression #mental disorder #mental illness #mental health #i struggle to communicate verbally #i feel like i've been put on the spot and am being stared at and pressured to respond immediately #but i don't even know what's wrong most of the time so how am i supposed to respond?#afraid of saying something that's not true i try not to speak until i know i'm saying the correct thing #but by the time i've figured it out i've become the rude bad guy because i 'won't speak to [them]'#aka i'm the asshole for being offered the attention/help i always cry out for but then clamming up/being too chicken shit to use my words #i also hesitate to speak plainly because they are always on their phone and/or tablet and/or watching tv #so i never feel that i have their full attention in the first place #and being ignored or interrupted are major triggers of my anxiety/depression shut-down response #because i interpret these as indicators that i am not worthy of someone's attention or patience #anyway what kind of person wants to hear that i'm just depressed for no reason every damn time they ask?#nothing is wrong and everything is wrong all at once #and i don't know how to say this without being repetitive or attention-seeking or plain old annoying #because it's the same story every time #feeling like a broken record #jtkchu's brain #poor communication #soul sick

jimkirkachu

Legitimate psychology question/concern, but I'm putting it under a cut because it involves toxic friendships, abuse, mental health issues, etc. so please mind the trigger warnings in the tags.

jimkirkachu

yourea--stubborn--man asked:

YOU DID THE THING! GOOD JOB, YOU ROCK!

Aaaaaaaah thank you dear!!!!!!!! 💞💕💚💜💛❤💙💖 It was probably really insignificant???? And most people in the universe would probably find it really strange and pathetic and stupid that this one thing made me so miserable??? But... it's done now so maybe the fact that I'm not reminded of it every few hours will help me start to move on after literal decades of self torture??? Here's hoping!!

#ship's intercom #ask #tysm <3 #sweet humans are sweet #not trek #mental health #mental illness