Wtf, even just browsing job sites / listings / descriptions is enough to make me nauseous with anxiety and depression. When, why, and how did I ever become such a useless and pathetic mess?
#not trek#personal log#unemployment#unemployed#my therapist wanted me simply to Look and see what's out there but omg i've spent 90 minutes and want to tear all the skin off my bones#i can't handle anything that involves phone/video calls‚ customer service‚ relocating‚ teaching‚ or early mornings#trying to look for remote work because she said there's lots available now and yet everything i've seen still seems beyond my capacity#eventually my parents will die. and while i doubt my brother will want their house (so i'll inherit it) i won't last long without an income#i can't take care of myself and it horrifies me#and i know i'll never have a spouse to help me or depend on so once my folks are gone i will be completely on my own#but i don't know how to do the most basic damn things i can't cook can't work a standard 9-5 can't even make phone calls#how the fuck am i ever going to make it?#(i know. i won't‚ that's how.)#i'm in literal all-over physical pain over this‚ headache nausea sore joints sobbing just waiting to see how long i can go without c*tting#prayers appreciated‚ i genuinely don't know what i'm supposed to do#depression#anxiety#depressive episode#my life is an exercise in absurdity shame futility and more shame#self loathing#self pity#pantophobia#spiralling#if you're reading this i am so sorry in so many ways 😣#forever alone#heartsick#soul sick#jtkchu's brain#stfu jtkchu#early morning thoughts