You know what? I am so fucking insecure that Captain Kirk, Fred Rogers, and Christ Himself could magically appear before me, hold my hands, earnestly tell me something like "You have value" or "You are worthy of being alive" or "You deserve to be loved" and (through endless sobbing and wailing, of course) I would fucking argue with them about it until they all killed themselves out of frustration.

it feels horribly "revealing" that one of my best-received posts of all time is a series of screenshots from a fandom that has absolutely nothing to do with any manifestation of Star Trek

where the hell is the "Just Stop Thinking About It" button/switch/whatever in my brain???

Seriously, what am I supposed to do? (re: everything)

sometimes I think maybe I would be less of a miserable loser/disaster/grumpus/misfit/pain in the ass if I could play miniature golf every day ⛳️😞

well, I have successfully alienated at least two more people who used to be able to tolerate me (online, i.e. even the guarantee of never having to interact with me physically/in person is not enough for me to hold onto a friendship anymore)

if you haven't gotten sick of me yet, thank you 😓 but please also be advised that it's only a matter of time

My life is not a movie, novel, or fanfic. Captain Kirk is not real. And if he was real, he would never appear out of nowhere simply to hug me and hold me while I sob. He would never "sense" that I was lonely or in crisis, because humans are not mind-readers and because there's no possible way I would ever become important enough in his life for him to notice I was missing or "not myself" or at imminent risk of injury or worse.

Thank you so much, friend 💙💛💙💛 I really appreciate your readership, your support, and your encouragement. I don't deserve any of it, and I'm shocked and humbled that anything I wrote could have had such an effect--so thank you even more 😔💔💛💙💛💙

I just mentioned this to someone else, but if there's anything I've put on ao3 that you might want to have permanent access to, I would advise downloading it. I feel so bad that my work hurt someone and I don't want to risk doing the same thing to anyone else, so my account or fics might be deleted/orphaned sometime soon. If it comes to that, I'll mention it here and on ao3 before I do anything, but... no time like the present, better safe than sorry, I guess.

Thank you again for being so kind and generous to me 😔💔💜💜💜 And please take care of yourself. 🖖💙💛

Thank you so much for reading my fics... and for your support 💙💛💙💛 This has been a really difficult couple of weeks/months for me and at this point I'm still not certain what to do, either with that review or with my ao3 account in the future. I've "hidden" the offending story for now so that others don't have to encounter it and potentially be hurt by it.

At this point... I want to tell you that if there's anything I've posted on ao3 that you might want to keep having access to, please download it. And I swear I'm not trying to be melodramatic or fish for compliments/pity or anything like that. I'm just so ashamed of myself and I'm afraid of hurting anyone any further, so I truly have been very seriously considering orphaning or deleting my fics (to be honest, I've been considering that for almost 2 years now). If I do, though, I'll make a note of that decision here as well as on ao3. You're probably one of about two whole people who might actually want to download anything I've written, but even so, I promise I won't delete anything without some kind of heads-up.

Thank you again, x infinity, for your kind, sweet, generous words and heart 😔💔💙💛💙💛💙💛 I don't deserve to have souls as good as you reading my stuff or this mess of a blog... but that fact makes me all the more grateful for you. 💛💙💛💙

Take care of yourself, friend 💜

do you ever just feel like such an idiot

A few months back, I got a very sweet anonymous message that (among other things) suggested something along the lines of, "Sounds like maybe you need a friend." Turns out I've thought about that one little idea ever since and... damn, were they right. It's hit me harder and harder the longer I've considered it because despite its apparent simplicity, it actually describes possibly the biggest and most consistent problem I've had my entire life.

If you're still around, anon, thank you for your concise yet poignant wisdom. I just wish I knew what to do about it.

It's 2am, nothing is wrong, and for absolutely no reason whatsoever (aka depression) I feel so monumentally and enormously Sad that I could just curl into a ball and wait to die.

whether it's factually accurate or not, and whether I am entitled/allowed to feel these things or not, I currently feel