just when I think I can't possibly despise myself more than I already did
#i go and watch some new show and get emotionally attached to one of the actors because they look like they could be Crush's fucking TWIN#then find out they're in a very serious-looking relationship with a gorgeous woman#i mean BESIDES living in NYC having a successful career and being so beautiful themself that i want to gouge my own eyes out#aka *1701% INACCESSIBLE TO JTKCHU EVEN IN YOUR DREAMS*#& *FORGET it you unfathomable jackass you're the exact opposite of eye candy you're unemployed you're depressed & a gigantic nuisance*#my pathetic jobless hopeless androgynous-not-in-an-endearing-way demi/virgin/prude trash can self is never but N-E-V-E-R gonna have romance#why do i keep getting my hopes up? why do i keep letting it surprise me when i'm rejected or find out i Need Not Apply?#WHY do i keep DOING THIS to my OWN DAMN SELF???#i'm in my fucking THIRTIES i should know better by now than to even start to let myself daydream or fantasize or whatever the fuck#but NOooOOOOooooo i have to go and be a stupid shit again and again and aGAIN and AGAIN AND AGAIN#somebody punch me in the fucking face#not trek#personal log#romance = 😣#unrequited crush#i don't want to human anymore#self loathing#self hatred#heartsick#soul sick#jtkchu's brain#jtkchu is toxic#stfu jtkchu#i want to hurt myself#SO. FUCKING. BADLY. right now#please take away my keys to this brain/body/meat suit i am unfit to exist#i am truly the most phenomenal loser ever to walk the earth. observe my idiocy be amazed & be grateful you're not even half as pitiful as i#Crush do you have a twin who's ~85% as gorgeous as you but wears glasses? CUT my Goddamn HEART out You In Glasses would literally kill me#cut my damn heart out anyway i don't fucking WANT IT anymore#and if you're wondering *wow why can't jtkchu ever care about anyone besides their own fucking SELF for a change?* i'm wondering that too