Funniest and most emotionally devastating thing that could possibly happen in the one night Vax has left with Vox Machina…
Keyleth gets pregnant
You know we think the Matron is being incredibly kind but really this is just the godly equivalent of getting a hurricane evacuation warning and letting your cat loose on the street hoping he figures it out, instead of taking him with you
So now that we know the smoke comes out during sex, one Percy’s children is BOUND to have some Orthax shadow sorcerer stuff going on
You know just on their appearances and circumstances I really thought Vesper was going to be THE older sister TM
But honestly she sounds like the 30 year old nepobaby influencer… good for her
Percival got hair implants
#That white British man does NOT have natural flowing locks in his 50s#I don’t judge him#if my wife still looked like a gorgeous 30 year old woman after 30 years of marriage#I would do something unwise too#critical role spoilers#critical role#cr spoilers#campaign 3#bell’s hells#cr#bells hells#vox machina
I found it kinda odd how they handle the Raishan plot because… I thought it was common sense that she was a bad guy who hated Thordak more than she wanted to conquer the world for the few months she had left to live, so they were going to be allies for as long as he was alive and not a second more
Where did this idea that she was a good guy now and Keyleth needed to apologize came from? Why her betrayal played as shocking??
Everyone acts like Keyleth was right all along and they should’ve never worked with her but… no?
Working with her was necessary, they would’ve actually died without her. They should’ve just also been ready for when she was very obviously going to pull something
Also it is patently false that none of them listened to Keyleth, in the first meeting everyone was willing to hear Raishan out until Keyleth said no and then they all pounced on that dragon
It wasn’t until things got more dire, the information Raishan gave them kept proving to be reliable and she LITERALLY saved their lives that they reluctantly agreed to it, even Keyleth did eventually
Like I don’t understand why they act like it was all or nothing in trusting Raishan, “she’s being truthful about wanting to kill Thordak and we can’t do it without her” and “She may still be planning something, let’s keep an eye on her” are two statement that can and should’ve coexisted
#I get what they were trying to do#it was a part of Keyleth arc and a mirror of how she was treated as a character in campaign 1#I just think they could’ve done while giving everyone else a common sense#and not actively ignoring their own previous episodes#critical role#cr#critical role spoilers#vox machina#the legends of vox machina spoilers#tlovm season 3
You know I’m in an interesting position regarding the Bard Lament change
On one hand, I’m straight up not as attached to Bard’s Lament as everyone else in the fandom seems to be
Sure it was a dramatic moment with some great acting from Sam… but it was also very nasty and visceral in a way that the rest of the show isn’t and it really never gets addressed properly
Also I feel like the whole fandom always simplifies it as “poor little guiltless Scanlan finally standing up to everyone else who are evil bullies to him all the time for no reason”
All this to say, if you had told me months ago that they were removing Bard’s Lament, I would have been surprised but not upset
However after seeing the whole season… damn I really do feel they squandered some AMAZING set up for it
They show Scanlan constantly leaving Vox Machina behind and when he does horrible things happen to them, things that could’ve objectively been avoided by his presence AND HE NEVER EXPLAINS HIMSELF
They are about to execute Percy while Scanlan has a literal magical key to stop it and they find him passed out drunk, vomiting on the street… and nobody said anything to him about it???
Percy then literally DIES in a battle he left them for, like… it would’ve been 100% understandable if in her grief Vex would’ve cursed Scanlan off and blamed him for Percy’s death.
Then also Keyleth is mad at everyone about Raishan, Vax is self isolating because of his raven bull shit and only cares about Vex, and then Pike rejects his love AGAIN
That is literally the perfect storm of circumstances for Scanlan not feeling part of a family, resentment and animosity and a blow out… and they just didn’t??
They could’ve use the fact that only Pike and Grog cared enough to stay by his side during his comma, and nobody else seemed even a little worried about him? No?
Okay
Not as upset as I’m sure a lot of others are going to be, but definitely underwhelmed… which is not a feeling you want to be left with in a season finale
#you know I always had a conspiracy theory that Bard’s Lament was actually kinda of an awkward moment irl#and Sam particularly did not like it#based on how Scanlan behaved after he came back#but thats always been based on nothing but vibes#Now I wonder…#critical role#cr#critical role spoilers#the legends of vox machina spoilers#tlovm season 3#vox machina#campaign 1#scanlan shorthalt
The Dwendallian empire is insane as a concept
Because I could say “The dwendalian empire is run by a cabal of evil wizards that outlaw religious freedom while making dark pacts with eldritch abominations for power, they take children from their homes, brainwashed them to be obedient soldiers and then make them murder their entire families
Sometimes they go down to quaint little towns and start exploding houses and vaporizing villagers, just to steal rocks they could’ve taken very easily
Their senile king is going mad and getting council by a demented cult leader set on killing god”
And you would think I’m like a Dynasty propagandist spreading the most unhinged conspiracy theories
But no, these are all true and objective facts about how their government is run
I think it’s really funny (in a dark way) that Ripley’s dream of guns being at the hands of anyone basically became a reality… and the first people to adopt them in mass was the Dwendalian Empire… aka The Assembly
At the end of the day instead of helping anyone she just gave the people that ruined her life even MORE power to ruin even MORE lives with much more efficiency
… yeah
Chetney dying immediately after this is actually the funniest possible scenario
The maven of ravens: Good job Bells Hells, you’ve proven yourself worthy. Go forth and save the world… not you Mr. Pock O'Pea, see me after class
Imagine the goddess of death personally takes the time to groom you into her religion and make you her champion at the cost of your own future
And then when you actually die and get there to serve her for eternity she’s like
“Actually Vax I think we are the baddies and I’m very tired, we shouldn’t be doing this 🥺”
#I know the whole situation is more complex than that#but it is very funny to imagine Vax’s reaction to the Raven Queen wanting to retire#after EVERYTHING she did to recruit him#It’s literally the friend who begs you for a sleepover and then goes to sleep early#critical role#critical role spoilers#cr spoilers#campaign 3#bell’s hells#cr#bells hells#vox machina
My current headcanon is that Essek was supposed to be the poster boy for the vanguard and the anti god movement
Like he was going to be the pretty face that spoke all the rhetoric while others actually ran the show
Because apparently anyone who spends any amount of actual time with Ludinus Da’leth inevitably comes to absolutely LOATH him and plot his murder and there’s just no way Ludinus is unaware of this
#Ludinus biggest enemy is not Bells Hells#it’s the pr nightmare that is his general… everything about him#like I genuinely believe WAY more people would be into his plan if he wasn’t such a little rat about it#he COULD HAVE convinced Keyleth and Vox Machina if he had played his cards better#critical role#cr#critical role spoilers#campaign 3#cr spoilers#bell’s hells#bells hells#the mighty nein#essek thelyss
I just got the mental imagine of the Arch Heart grabbing and shaking Vecna like a dog toy in front of predathos and then chucking him at max speed to give him and his family time to run
He should try that, that should be part of the plan
After hearing the Arch Heart’s plan this is all I can think about
jibril-thelibraryangel reblogged
someone more well caught up with the campaign can correct me if im wrong. But based on the impression I've gotten, i love the like. Spectrum of "accidentally oncall" we have, with how the Mighty Nein are accidentally unknown go-to's for various powerful people to get tasks done, while Bell's Hells are accidentally primary sources and lynchpins for various powers to understand and coordinate events.
Like the Mighty Nein are. they're assholes, if you talk to them and they dont really like you. you'll know it and it will kind of suck. But for the most part people don't have to interact directly with them. It's almost weird how much they don't have to??? Like shit just gets. Done. And you find out later like OH its the same. weirdos. No idea who they are but you're told its the same group. What do they even look like. There are so many weird stories at least half of them NEED to be fake. Or people just assume incorrect attribution bc it cant ALL be the same group. What do you mean they saved a world and an island and? Turtles were involved? Sea serpents? what.
For anyone who knows even slightly better/has slightly better connections (but doesn't know them personally) They're just like a weird form of an urban legend where its like. elite strike team. silent and effective. (in the background we see them falling out of the sky into the ocean onto one another). But for the most part its really peak. Knows a guy who knows a guy. If someone HAPPENS to be present they might be squinting into the chaos like. That girl choked me with a stick once? Isnt that other one a professor. Wha- okay. They're gone again. Silent. effective. You have a really hard time tracking them down even if you want to. (If they want to find you though, you can't escape them).
And then with Bell's Hells. (At least when I last checked in). It goes more like. Hey some weirdos have critical knowledge for us. And it's just. an Absolute Halloween themed clown car of events that rolls up. There's a talking dead rat. Weird old gnome griping about wood. They keep flirting with everyone. Including someone that looks very evil. A busty faun just took your wallet. You're pretty sure this group threw a bunch of bees in someone's face in a street race and crashed a skyship and were absolute NIGHTMARE CUSTOMERS at various establishments. They're the ones with critical knowledge. They are communicating it SO, INCREDIBLY INEFFECTIVELY. They were on the moon? They have a person FROM the moon? They keep trying to be friendly with you. You don't want them to be. Another critical thing happens. They're the only one with knowledge. Again. The dead rat keeps flirting with you. You're getting voices in your head. More developments in the critical scenario. They're still the primary source on this potentially Exandria-shattering event. They're still spending an inexplicable amount of time talking about the hotness of various people inbetween dispensing information that literally no one else has been able to glean. You know who they are. You kind of wish you didn't. You are Going To See Them Again. (threat)
Vox Machina are the famous legendary heroes of Exandria that are of course going to step up to save the day
Bells Hells are the quirky mismatch group of underdogs that never the less where chosen by destiny to complete these trials and everyone just has to cope with that
The Mighty Nein are literally just independent contractors, like nobody knows shit about them but they need a third team for this crazy near suicidal mission and somebody was like “I know some guys” and everyone else just kinda has to agree because frankly they don’t have time for alternatives
If things go well the first two groups are going to get Star Wars like celebration parties/medal ceremonies
Meanwhile if the Mighty Nein succeed The Bright Queen will get a Jester message and then be like “Okay my guys say it’s done… that would be 10,000,000 gold on Venmo and custody of Ludinus Daleth “If the dickturd is somehow still alive but it’s okay if he’s not”… so who’s chipping in?“
jibril-thelibraryangel reblogged
It's so funny that Essek 'fuck the Luxon' Thelyss was taken in by Ludinus 'fuck the Gods' Da'leth and within the span of three years was like 'yeah this guy is gross' and fucked off to play house with Caleb 'fuck the Assembly' Widogast. It might be the funniest (derogatory) thing that's happened in Da'leth's entire life.
Like all he had to do to keep Essek was give him half an ounce of affection and the occasional piece of research, and he fucked it up, so now he has to deal with this fruity little elf being Exandria's one man taxi service to the most annoying adventuring groups.
Literally cannot fathom how Ludinus screwed up THAT bad
He had this (relatively) young elf wizard who felt deeply stifled by his culture’s religion and openly questioned his god, he had no real close relationships, no support system and a terrible relationship with his only paternal figure
He should have been a slam dunk for indoctrination into his anti god magic cult
AND YET Ludinus managed to be so repellent and unconvincing that Essek rather give up all his wealth and political power to hang out with the group of roving murderous weirdos who showed him basic human friendship
AND started dating a the very powerful wizard that wants him in prison
How badly could he have possibly sold his whole deal to make THAT happen
#YOU could’ve given him basic human connection Ludinus#All his magical and political power could’ve been working FOR YOU#when you can’t even manipulate a lonely gay person with daddy issues#and religious trauma#what CAN you eve do?#critical role#cr#critical role spoilers#cr spoilers#campaign 3#bell’s hells#bells hells#the mighty nein#essek thelyss#ludinus da'leth
Anonymous asked:
Keyleth as a 20th level druid has timeless body: Timeless Body, Starting at 18th level, the primal magic that you wield causes you to age more slowly. For every 10 years that pass, your body ages only 1 year. Keyleth could live and lead the Ashari for centuries in a peaceful world.
Yeah that makes it even more absolutely wild, imagine you turn 21 and your first proper adult job is being THE PRESIDENT and you can’t just finish your terms, you’ll be the president for the rest of your life
And your life expectancy is like a thousand years old while everyone else’s is normal
That’ll be stressful as shit even if the entire world is was at peace
WHICH IT ISNT
And it is not about to be, best case scenario a world wide holy war is about to break out
Worst case scenario whatever the fuck Predathos is will be unleash and the ACTUAL gods are going to war and die
Somebody save my girl