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#you schmoopy old dwarf – @jezunya on Tumblr
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quixotic chaotic

@jezunya / jezunya.tumblr.com

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kurosmind

It still baffles me how the fandom used to be all about “majestic Thorin”. Broody majestic Thorin who’s too majestic for you folks.

Then that nerd gave himself away with all the dopey smiles in BoFA. Now we know he’s just a big marshmallow hidden in a crust of dark chocolate 90%. 

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get it together Thorin. Kili has no guide to majesty now.

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FAVOURITE DWALIN HEADCANONS GO GOG O

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*cracks knuckles* OKAY

  • DWALIN HAS A SWEET TOOTH TRUST like those cookies were not the first baked goods he has stolen alright
  • thanks to keelywolfe i am 10000% convinced dwalin’s cock is pierced
  • dwalin was smaller than average when he was a dwarf-child, he just physically developed more slowly than his peers and was something of a runt DWALIN WAS SMALL AND PRECIOUS OKAY but of course his friendship with the prince of erebor made him impervious to teasing, then he hit his growth spurt and SHOT UP LIKE A WEED LOOK HOW TALL HE IS
  • THIS IS WHY HE LOVES ORI, LOOK HOW PROTECTIVE HE IS OF ORI
  • DWALIN READS POETRY AND LOVES IT BUT IT’S A SECRET, FIGHT ME he’s actually really warm and sensitive, look at his confrontation with thorin in botfa, so small, so soft, so gentle???
  • when dwalin and thorin were adolescents in erebor, dwalin used to convince thorin to sneak away from his princely duties and lessons, and they got into all sorts of trouble together, but dwalin was really doing it as a favor to thorin so he wouldn’t feel so stifled and caged in
  • DWALIN LIKES “GENTLEFOLK” he has nothing against warriors obviously, but he likes people who live gentler lives and don’t know the horrors of battle and war. maybe he even envies them on some level
  • dwalin is honestly living in the deepest pit of bagginshield hell. none of us can even begin to compete with his pain, because he’s the one that understands thorin’s moods and his sulks, DWALIN KNOWS IT’S ABOUT BILBO BECAUSE HE KNOWS THORIN SO WELL, and he’s the one that has to listen to thorin go off about the halfing and how infuriatingly brave and loyal he is, how confusing it all is. dwalin has to deal with THORIN trying to deal with his EMOTIONS and honestly i feel sorry for dwalin like, thorin is an emotional disaster on a good day so. yeah. dwalin’s in hell. SOMEONE GET HIM A DRINK.

just. DWALIN. 

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mongoosemeat

thorin and bilbo getting drunk together and bilbo ending up being the less drunk of them and dragging thorin home 

and the whole way back thorin’s just muttering embarrassing compliments to his husband and bilbo’s just, “yes, thank you, dear, i love you, too, yes, same to you” and then finally, “drink this damn water and shut up, you big oaf, my GOD” but he still kisses thorin on the forehead when he tucks him in and thorin gets all teary eyed and emotional, “YOU ARE AS LOVELY AS THE MOON AND STARS, MY LOVE” and bilbo’s just like omg i’m done with this dwarf

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the acorn scene

because if you thought the bag end scene was gay

before i see if bilbo’s stolen the arkenstone let me stare at him intensely for 567876 minutes

then

LOOK AT HIS FACE

IT SOFTENS

LIKE YOU COULD GRAB HIS CHEEKS AND GO NUHGNUHGNUGH

no bilbo

bilbo no don’t go back to the shire

HAVE MY SHARE OF THE TREASURE

SEE THIS NECKLACE?

IT’S THRANDUIL’S

YOU CAN HAVE IT

thorin u lovesick pigeon

and then of course there’s bilbo

that’s right. bilbo badass master-of-sass baggins can’t look thorin in the eye.

me too, bilbo. me too.

and then there’s this dork

i mean look at him

thorin oakenshield more like thorin dorkinshield

and u could rule erebor w/ me

or take me back to the shire

and u could let me hug u

a lot

maybe kiss u

pls

bilbo pls

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linddzz
Anonymous asked:

I just want to say your drunk thorin in safe and distant was about the best thing ever.

anon i really want to thank you for giving me an excuse to post the drabble I did of drunk thorin later in the S&D verse. This is probably about a couple weeks or so post-marriage. He’s still a huge ridiculous sloppy dork. Only now he’s married

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linddzz
Anonymous asked:

About Thorin and Bilbo's wedding dances, i can see both. Their first dance is slow and sweet and filled with looks that say am I fucking married to this wonderful creature? IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING? YEP IT HAPPENED I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY RIGHT NOW! and then they get ROARING DRUNK during the party and Thorin tries to pick Bilbo up and gets kicked in the face. he later attempts to make up for that by trying to dip Bilbo to kiss him and FUCKING DROPS HIM BECAUSE HE MISJUDGED HOW DRUNK THEY BOTH WERE.

YUP. ACCEPTED. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS. bilbo is lying there yelling at him like YOU’RE KING OF THE IDIOTS IS WHAT YOU ARE I CANNOT BELIEVE I MARRIED YOU. IM STUCK NOW. THERE IS NOTHING FOR IT. I’M GOING TO HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO WITH YOU NOW as thorin basically falls over laughing next to him because YUP YOU ARE NOW STUCK WITH ME MASTER BURGLAR BECAUSE YOU THORIN NO.BURGLEDDON’T YOU -DARE- THORINMY HEARTI HATE YOU

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pls consider: thorin and bilbo cuddled up in bed, thorin thinks bilbo is sleeping so he takes this opportunity to whisper all the really, really soppy things he thinks about bilbo into bilbo’s hair, bad poetry, comparing him to all the jewels in erebor and all the flowers in the shire, like infinitely soppy because he’s too embarrassed to say them where bilbo can hear them bc he’s literally just like “u r perfect <3 <3 <3”, and then bilbo’s like “i’m awake you idiot” and thorin’s like “! whoops”

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I have no idea what happened but maybe it cheers you up that often, Thorin can only fall asleep when he has watched Bilbo sleep for a while and is sure of his undisturbed, nightmare-free sleep.

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(someone started wank on a post of mine but they were so bad at it that I just had to watch them set themselves on fire, it was tragically beautiful)

oh my gosh what a tiny soft gay baby. He needs to see for himself that Bilbo really has chosen to be with him, he’s safe and he’s real and he’s here and he’s perfect.

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IF U GAVE THORIN OAKENSHIELD A KITTEN HE WOULD LOOK SO CONFUSED BUT HE’D HOLD IT SO GENTLY AND PET ITS HEAD WITH ONE FINGER AND EVENTUALLY SMILE AND SUFFER FROM HIS CHEST SWELLING UP WHENEVER THE SAID KITTEN MEOWED 

He would probably give it a fierce war-like name in Khuzdul (earning a disapproving look from Bilbo), and growl at any ‘unworthy’ person trying to cuddle it.

*is late, but leaves the short ficlet here nevertheless*

It had been the first week of summer following the reclamation of Erebor, and King Thorin was leading his new kingdom wisely and fair, together with a very busy Hobbit who also happened to be Thorin’s consort.

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perkynurples

okay but thorin reading bilbo shakespearean sonnets in love in idleness

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thorin and bilbo snuggled up someplace warm and secluded and thorin reading the classics to him, shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?, and bilbo giggling and going ‘I’d rather you didn’t’ and thorin switching to something subtler, love is not love which alters when it alteration finds

and bilbo closing his eyes and listening to the soft silky low timbre of thorin’s voice and thorin going ‘oh I’m sorry am I LULLING YOU TO SLEEP?’ and bilbo laughing and opening his eyes just a bit and smiling up at him, the sweetest most besotted smile, and just shaking his head, and anyway isn’t reading shakespearean love sonnets best done when quite literally pressing the words against someone’s lips I think so and so do thorin and bilbo

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Thorin insists on setting Bilbo up with a nice set of rooms while they start to get Erebor up and running again, and Bilbo is like 'no you don't have to...' but gives in because he really, really has missed sleeping in a real bed all this time. The rooms are pretty sparse but spacious, and have an open air balcony where Bilbo is already starting to make mental plans for a few flowerbeds and vegetable plots - before he reminds himself that he really can't stay, he'll only be here through the winter, just long enough to see Erebor restored and all the Company members recovered, this is a dwarven kingdom after all, and no place for a hobbit. Bits of furniture slowly start to appear in his rooms while he's away, though, a big writing desk and a hulking wardrobe and end tables and bookshelves and then, finally, a big giant overstuffed armchair in front of the fire in the sitting room. And as these pieces gradually start to fill up his rooms – always when he’s away, they’re just sitting there waiting for him whenever he comes back in the evening – Thorin will ask him all casual-like how he likes his rooms, if he’s comfortable, etc. And Bilbo is grateful of course and always expresses his appreciation for dwarven craftsmanship and Thorin seems pleased by his responses. But then that armchair – it’s big, alright, but a bit too big: he practically has to jump to get into it, he jokes. But really, he appreciates it, he rushes to add, not wanting to offend. But then the next evening, he comes back to find a different armchair in its place, not as tall, wider, not quite so plush… This one, he finally admits, after a bit of surprisingly intense interrogation, isn’t quite as soft as he’d like – and then the next day, it’s gone too, replaced with another one. Then another, and another. Every time Bilbo admits to any sort of flaw in the furniture, it is immediately whisked away and a new one takes its place. Bilbo is at his wit’s end by now, and he finally tells Thorin that he hopes at least the carpenters and upholstery shops of Erebor are being paid well, because if he’s quite honest nothing is ever going to replace his lovely old worn-in armchair from Bag End, but he feels so terribly ungrateful and he really doesn’t mean to complain but Thorin keeps asking

Thorin goes quiet at that and then nods once and leaves him be. A few months go by and spring arrives at last, and with it the first caravan of dwarves traveling from Ered Luin, Thorin’s sister Dís among them. And with them, she reveals with a smirk, are a couple of wagons full of some very familiar things: trunks of clothing and dishes and Belladonna Took’s hope chest and, of course, Bilbo’s well-loved old armchair. Thorin, it turns out, had sent a raven to his sister and asked her to stop off in the Shire on her way east. (Dís figures this can be her engagement gift for whenever her idiot brother finally gets his head out of his arse and actually asks the halfling to marry him.) Bilbo is understandably in shock, especially since Thorin hadn’t talked to him about it at all before ordering a raid on Bag End, and they haven’t once since the end of the war discussed how long Bilbo will be staying in Erebor, and Thorin is just sort of slowly realizing that what had initially seemed like a grand romantic gesture in his mind might actually be a big, bad, high-handed, controlling kingly thing to do… But then Bilbo just turns to him and asks his opinion on building permanent gardening plots out on the balcony off his rooms, all while directing the movers where to put his things. And the two of them can’t stop grinning at each other because he’s staying, he’s really staying.

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