The worst part about this is that the last year has overall been AWESOME for my health. Getting out of the army and getting into a living situation where I can get enough sleep, wear joint-friendly clothes, and monitor my own physical activity has been phenomenal. I almost felt like I wasn’t sick at all sometimes.
I mean, there were worse times, times when I couldn’t sleep and so was in more pain than usual, and traveling for Christmas last year was a rude awakening, really took a lot more spoons than I’d expected just to ride on an airplane and check into a hotel, but I learned to manage it and was even able to pace myself appropriately during Dragon Con this year so I didn’t kill myself.
But then, what I really didn’t expect was how much school would take out of me. I’m going full time, but I managed to arrange a really easy schedule for myself, 4 classes, each two days a week, class M-Th with one class in the morning and one in the afternoon and a good long break for lunch in between, three day weekend every week. Should be fine.
I started the semester walking to class, since I live just a few blocks from campus, a half-mile give or take a bit depending on which part of campus I’m going to, and even taking the stairs when I felt up to it (and was too embarrassed to take the elevator to the second floor). But then I started needing my cane to walk, and completely running out of spoons by the end of the school day, before homework or dinner or writing or anything. So now I’m driving those few blocks to school. And forget taking the stairs. I get confused or dirty looks all the time for taking the elevator to my second floor classes, but those people can go fuck themselves. I think I’m finally getting past the point if risking injuring myself out of pride, or shame. Or whatever.
I know a lot of this is really just stress, not actual physical causes. I had the first round of midterms in all my classes all at the same time last week. And I had to ask my parents for money so I could buy groceries, which I hate doing, since my housing stipend from the VA is taking so long to come in, which is only further stressing me out. The Sept payment *should* still be coming since it was approved before the government shutdown, but it might just take even longer to process since they have fewer people working now due to the furloughs… yay, more stress! And let’s not forget that my car’s been slowly dying over the last months since I can’t afford to get it into the mechanic until the VA money gets here, and if my car goes, I have no way to get to the grocery store or to school, unless I happen to have an awesome enough day that I can walk to class without passing out, but groceries and social events, namely the weekly ace meetup that is the ONE thing I look forward to all week, would be completely out.
I just. I think I’d been letting myself float on the ‘Oh I’m not really that sick’ denial cloud for most of the last year. And the fact that it’s fucking school that seems to be causing the worst of it is just like a slap in the face.
