Fact #529: Changing labels isn’t a bad thing. It’s okay to have been wrong. And it’s okay to have changed. You don’t have to stick to old labels if they don’t suit you anymore.

i’ve seen a lot of people concerned about questioning kids lately.

lots of people who were concerned that young girls might identify as nonbinary, for example, because of internalized misogyny. or young gay people who might identify as ace or aro, because of internalized homophobia.

i honestly have a lot of sympathy for people who mis-identify themselves. it’s something that most of us have struggled with at least once before realizing that we aren’t straight or aren’t cis. many of us have struggled with it twice, three times, or a dozen times!

it’s not fun to realize you were wrong. it’s not fun to live one way, feeling wrong and lost and strange and broken, because you wrongly believed that that must be who you are.

but. mis-identification is not caused by having “too many” options.

i understand this concern. i really do. I have no doubt that those examples i mentioned above do happen, very often. but it’s not really any different than my experience, and i would not blame it on any other person but myself. i was a “tomboy” little girl, i was gender nonconforming, i was a trans guy, i was a bi chick, i was a gay guy.

the way i choose to identify is ultimately up to me. i went through the trials of finding my identity in the haystack like everyone else.

i care a lot about the people who mis-identify, and i’d like to offer them support. this support does not mean that the groups that they mis-identified with are wrong or evil for allowing this person into their ranks. it means spreading the message that mis-identifying is okay! that it’s okay to change your labels as much as you want, and to try out different identities, and to change your mind or change over time. THAT is how you support a confused, questioning person.

try to remember that for every confused gay kid who thought they were ace because they couldn’t cope with the idea that they were gay, there was also a confused little ace kid who thought they were gay because they couldn’t cope with the idea that they were just “broken”.

try to remember that for every young girl who has been taught to hate femininity and herself, there is also a trans or nonbinary kid who is constantly being told “no, you HAVE to be a girl. there is no other option.”

we will make mistakes. everyone mis-labels themself. practically no one just knows themself without any effort - it’s a process of self-discovery, and it is painful and complicated. and we should be helping each other.

mis-identification happens when someone doesn’t know all of the options that exist. it happens because of stereotypes, because of bigotry, because of societal pressure and peer pressure and and and.

it is too complicated to blame on one thing. and you don’t know another person better than they know themself. assuming that is dangerous.

present all of the options to someone who is questioning instead of disguising, denying, or slandering some options rather than others. knowledge is power. that questioning person should be well-equipped to think, and try, and get to know themself, without you adding even more prejudice to the list.

concern is one thing, but pushing other people to identify one way instead of another because YOU think it’s right or better (or more likely!) is another thing entirely.

be careful. be kind. and support that questioning person no matter what they end up identifying as.

I just want to cry when I hear people talking about how kids have “too many” options these days, because – honestly – 

– honestly –

Do you know how much I would have given when I was a teenager to know that non-binary was even an option? Do you know how many years of confusion and upset and frustration it would have saved, how much time desperately trying to fit into a form of womanhood that wasn’t for me, because it wasn’t what I was, if I could have just had the idea of non-binary genders as an option? If I’d had that language, how much pain and misery I would have avoided? 

I don’t honestly know how different my life would be if I would have known at sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, when I was saying ‘I want a dimmer switch for my gender, I’m somewhere on the dimmer switch’ because I didn’t have the words and the only options I knew were man/woman. On/off. One/zero. That’s all I knew. 

Look, I genuinely don’t care if people call themselves galaxygender or faekingender. To me there’s no such thing as a ‘fake’ gender, because it’s all, in the end, about relating to yourself. About understanding yourself. And if you go through sixteen genders with names that sound ridiculous to everyone else and you finally say ‘you know, actually, it’s fine, I’m a woman,’ then that’s okay. And if you go through three genders and then decide you are something that sounds absurd to everyone else, that’s fine too. 

I am just so fucking happy that the language exists, and that kids are having these discussions, and really able to think about their gender and how they relate to it and what it means to them. I would have given so much to be able to have those discussions. It would have saved me so much pain to know it was even an option. 

(Image description:four images of a questioning pride flag with white text that says 1) it’s okay to be questioning 2) questioning queer 3) questioning people belong at pride 4) questioning and brave. End image description.)

you can take as long as you need to figure out your gender

Things you do not have to feel guilty about

i’ve seen a lot of people concerned about questioning kids lately.

lots of people who were concerned that young girls might identify as nonbinary, for example, because of internalized misogyny. or young gay people who might identify as ace or aro, because of internalized homophobia.

i honestly have a lot of sympathy for people who mis-identify themselves. it’s something that most of us have struggled with at least once before realizing that we aren’t straight or aren’t cis. many of us have struggled with it twice, three times, or a dozen times!

it’s not fun to realize you were wrong. it’s not fun to live one way, feeling wrong and lost and strange and broken, because you wrongly believed that that must be who you are.

but. mis-identification is not caused by having “too many” options.

i understand this concern. i really do. I have no doubt that those examples i mentioned above do happen, very often. but it’s not really any different than my experience, and i would not blame it on any other person but myself. i was a “tomboy” little girl, i was gender nonconforming, i was a trans guy, i was a bi chick, i was a gay guy.

the way i choose to identify is ultimately up to me. i went through the trials of finding my identity in the haystack like everyone else.

i care a lot about the people who mis-identify, and i’d like to offer them support. this support does not mean that the groups that they mis-identified with are wrong or evil for allowing this person into their ranks. it means spreading the message that mis-identifying is okay! that it’s okay to change your labels as much as you want, and to try out different identities, and to change your mind or change over time. THAT is how you support a confused, questioning person.

try to remember that for every confused gay kid who thought they were ace because they couldn’t cope with the idea that they were gay, there was also a confused little ace kid who thought they were gay because they couldn’t cope with the idea that they were just “broken”.

try to remember that for every young girl who has been taught to hate femininity and herself, there is also a trans or nonbinary kid who is constantly being told “no, you HAVE to be a girl. there is no other option.”

we will make mistakes. everyone mis-labels themself. practically no one just knows themself without any effort - it’s a process of self-discovery, and it is painful and complicated. and we should be helping each other.

mis-identification happens when someone doesn’t know all of the options that exist. it happens because of stereotypes, because of bigotry, because of societal pressure and peer pressure and and and.

it is too complicated to blame on one thing. and you don’t know another person better than they know themself. assuming that is dangerous.

present all of the options to someone who is questioning instead of disguising, denying, or slandering some options rather than others. knowledge is power. that questioning person should be well-equipped to think, and try, and get to know themself, without you adding even more prejudice to the list.

concern is one thing, but pushing other people to identify one way instead of another because YOU think it’s right or better (or more likely!) is another thing entirely.

be careful. be kind. and support that questioning person no matter what they end up identifying as.

i mean a huge part of lgbt culture is the whole “it’s not a phase” and “i’m not confused" thing but that’s just not really true y'know?

like here’s to the people that have gone through countless labels, and still can’t find one that fits here’s to the people that have declared a label, but then realized that label might not be accurate here’s to the people that have to come out 1,000 times because their identity is constantly changing here’s to the people who are confused, and have gone through phases. you’re real and you’re valid.

i love all of you. you don’t have to have everything figured out to be lgbt

Hey! If you think you may be ace or aro, and aren’t sure where you are on the spectrum, that’s okay! You take as long as you need finding yourself, and if you discover afterwards that you either are or aren’t ace/aro, that’s totally cool too! No one knows you better than you. I love you and you matter so much.

STOP! TELLING! PEOPLE! THAT! NO! ONE! WILL! LOVE! THEM! UNTIL! THEY! LOVE! THEMSELVES! STOP! PLANTING! THE! IDEA! IN! PEOPLES! BRAINS! THAT! THEY! ARE! UNWORTHY! OF! LOVE! BECAUSE! OF! THEIR! OWN! STRUGGLE!

if exploring your gender is ‘becoming a trend’ then i’m glad it’s replacing the ‘being confused and miserable with no context or vocabulary for what you’re going through’ trend