quixotic chaotic

instead of assuring everyone that it “isn’t a phase”, why don’t we just assure everyone that if it is a phase it’s fine? it’s healthy to figure yourself out? because if we tell everyone it’s not a phase and it ends up being a phase, those people are going to feel guilty, like they stole resources or wasted time. It’s not bad to ‘go through a phase’. It’s a healthy way of finding out who you are. And if it isn’t a phase, that’s fine too. But if it is, there’s no reason to feel bad.

THIS THIS THIS THIS^^^^^^

Phases are how I learn things, cuz phases = intensive consideration of a thing. Then it gets less intensive but what I’ve learned stays with me.

Also, a “phase” doesn’t have to just be about experimentation or still figuring yourself out. Sometimes you feel totally set & comfortable in your identity, but it can still change over the course of your life, sometimes multiple times. And that’s okay!

i wanna give a shout out to all lgbt people who thought they were another identity before realizing they were something else. lesbians realizing they’re trans men, bi/pan people realizing they’re a lesbian/gay, binary trans people realizing they’re genderfluid, etc. even if you don’t know if your current identity is the final stop, even if you think it’s a “phase”, or you don’t know what label fits you best, you’re on a journey to self discovery, every step matters, it shapes you into the person you are or aspire to be, and you’re not fake or a bad person for figuring things out.

I don’t give a flying fuck what you look like. If you tell me you’re a woman, then you’re a woman. If you tell me you’re a man, then you’re a man. If you tell me you’re more than one gender or non-binary or agender or anything else, then that’s what you are. That’s your call to make, not mine.

If you’re not telling the truth for some reason, I’ll still respect that, because I understand that it’s sometimes easier to misgender yourself than to endanger yourself, or maybe you’re just not comfortable coming out to me or the other people around you. Again, your call.

And if the next time we meet you tell me you’re a different gender, then guess what! I’m going to respect that, too.

i’ve seen a lot of people concerned about questioning kids lately.

lots of people who were concerned that young girls might identify as nonbinary, for example, because of internalized misogyny. or young gay people who might identify as ace or aro, because of internalized homophobia.

i honestly have a lot of sympathy for people who mis-identify themselves. it’s something that most of us have struggled with at least once before realizing that we aren’t straight or aren’t cis. many of us have struggled with it twice, three times, or a dozen times!

it’s not fun to realize you were wrong. it’s not fun to live one way, feeling wrong and lost and strange and broken, because you wrongly believed that that must be who you are.

but. mis-identification is not caused by having “too many” options.

i understand this concern. i really do. I have no doubt that those examples i mentioned above do happen, very often. but it’s not really any different than my experience, and i would not blame it on any other person but myself. i was a “tomboy” little girl, i was gender nonconforming, i was a trans guy, i was a bi chick, i was a gay guy.

the way i choose to identify is ultimately up to me. i went through the trials of finding my identity in the haystack like everyone else.

i care a lot about the people who mis-identify, and i’d like to offer them support. this support does not mean that the groups that they mis-identified with are wrong or evil for allowing this person into their ranks. it means spreading the message that mis-identifying is okay! that it’s okay to change your labels as much as you want, and to try out different identities, and to change your mind or change over time. THAT is how you support a confused, questioning person.

try to remember that for every confused gay kid who thought they were ace because they couldn’t cope with the idea that they were gay, there was also a confused little ace kid who thought they were gay because they couldn’t cope with the idea that they were just “broken”.

try to remember that for every young girl who has been taught to hate femininity and herself, there is also a trans or nonbinary kid who is constantly being told “no, you HAVE to be a girl. there is no other option.”

we will make mistakes. everyone mis-labels themself. practically no one just knows themself without any effort - it’s a process of self-discovery, and it is painful and complicated. and we should be helping each other.

mis-identification happens when someone doesn’t know all of the options that exist. it happens because of stereotypes, because of bigotry, because of societal pressure and peer pressure and and and.

it is too complicated to blame on one thing. and you don’t know another person better than they know themself. assuming that is dangerous.

present all of the options to someone who is questioning instead of disguising, denying, or slandering some options rather than others. knowledge is power. that questioning person should be well-equipped to think, and try, and get to know themself, without you adding even more prejudice to the list.

concern is one thing, but pushing other people to identify one way instead of another because YOU think it’s right or better (or more likely!) is another thing entirely.

be careful. be kind. and support that questioning person no matter what they end up identifying as.