just came up with a really good 4 word cooking horror story but idk if you guys are ready for it
2 cups vanilla extract
okay but what did they cook after they drank two cups of vanilla extract?
wow! never seen someone invent a whole new type of sin in just 14 words before!
i hope your onions caramelize. i hope my onions caramelize. i hope we both sauté our root vegetables to perfection. slow cooked onions in loving pan.
What is gravy. Highly suspicious
gravely concerning
@solitarelee YOU CAN’T HIDE IN THE TAGS, REVEAL YOUR GRAVY SECRETS, MAGICIAN.
I HAVE BEEN UNLOCKED it’s liquid and a thickener. Honestly I swear to god that’s it, it’s the single easiest thing in the world to make. You can make it out of like anything, but traditionally the liquid is some kind of Meat Based Liquid, like run-off from cooking sausage, turkey, etc (drippings, bacon grease…) + water (or milk, or cream, depending on what you’re making). You can use any kind of liquid though, a basic gravy is just flour and water.
Basically gravy is
meat juice (optional) liquid (water, milk, cream, etc) thickener (flour, corn starch, etc)
and voila, you have a gravy. You can use things like caramelized onions, vegetable broth, etc, to make a vegetarian or vegan friendly gravy, and can make one that’s gluten free by using a gluten-free flour substitute. :) Gravy is so simple and easy to make!
My favorite low-spoons recipe. I personally make it in a toaster oven, but it could probably be done in a toaster and microwave.
Ingredients:
Bread Egg (one per piece of bread) Cheese (optional) Spices (optional – salt, pepper, dill are best, IMO)
Steps:
1. Toast the bread. 2. Set the toast on the counter/a plate/whatever, and use your thumbs to press the center down nice and flat, all the way to the crusts, so the toast makes a dish-like shape. 3. Break egg into toast-bowl (You can use a fork to break the yolk, or if you have the spoons, break the egg into a bowl and whip it with a fork). 4. Add your optional yummies. 5. Bake at ~350-400 for ~15-25 minutes (honestly I don’t pay that much attention, I just put it in the oven until it’s not jiggly anymore). 6. Eat and enjoy!
The thing I find great about this recipe is that it takes very little prep, and has carb/protein/fat. And if you have extra spoons, you can throw in some chopped veggies, too!
I actually have a cookbook suggestion! Good and Cheap by Leanne Brown. It's a short book with a ton of recipes. It's actually meant to be a guide on how to cook with not a lot of money, but someone gave it to me and personally I've found a lot of the recipes and ideas to be EXTREMELY easy and helpful (especially as a vegetarian) and I've used it so many times on low-spoons days! If anyone is interested you can actually get the book for free as a PDF on leannebrown(.)com
it’s also available in spanish!
I work in a kitchen. We are always told to not just stand around, that’s rule number one. Even if something’s on the stove, usually you can do something else while you wait for it.
EXCEPT
If it’s milk. “You stand right there and watch over it, do NOT leave.”
What’s even better is if you’re forced to leave because you need something from the fridge or something. So you dash into the back and get it and if someone wants to ask you something you just go “MILK! ON THE STOVE!” and everyone jumps out of your way and goes “oh shit, run!!!”
It’s the funniest thing I’ve ever encountered at work
In French we literally have an old saying, “I have milk on the fire” to say “I’m very busy at the moment”
I was helping a friend out earlier but then realized I could also share a few small tips on how to shop for groceries on a budget with u guys too!
so many puns here
It’s souper!
Okay but what is it about adhd that makes cooking and preparing food feel like torture?
I just wana eat! Goddamn adhd.
if it cannot be microwaved in under 2 minutes i will starve
While I sometimes understand this, cooking is one of the few things that actually cuts past all my ADHD bullshit. But not like, boxed meals and shit. Like, preparing a full meal with lots of little details. I can disappear into the work and feel like a human for an hour. And what’s really bad is that you can do the other ADHD things on the entire task. I own a book that is strictly knife skills. We have built storage in our kitchen specifically to help my brain do the thing better. We’re ordering white plates so I can learn to plate better and photograph my food better.
Like, cooking is an awesome special interest if you get past that boring food is boring.
This is… actually super relatable. My repertoire is like six dishes, every one of which is elaborate bullshit. My ramen routine is half an hour to 45 minutes, for fuck’s sake. But there are entire weeks where I don’t eat anything that someone else didn’t prepare and put in front of me because Too Many Steps. So… TLDR: This addendum was perfect and thank you.
I fall in the 'preparing food is the worst. Thing. Ever' camp… except when it comes to baking. Then I tend more toward what @adigitalmagician described 😄 But then there are various fillings for baked goods, fruit jam or creme patiserie etc., that require cooking again, and I just. Can't. Can't do it. I want to put wonderful fruit or cream or whatever fillings in my baked stuff, but every time I'm faced with it, it seems like the most impossible task in the world.
It occurs to me, thinking thru all this, that part of my problem with cooking is Bad Sensory stuff from a lot of cooking ingredients (raw meat, noodles both cooked and not, spices that smell so strong they make me gag, etc.) whereas most baking ingredients don't have that. They're all non-descript powders or fresh fruit or liquids that can be measured in tiny amounts and you never have to actually touch them. Even eggs, gross as their innards are, don't ever have to touch my hands.
That last one is DANGEROUS. I do not need this much power.
^This
Ok, sorry, but I have to reblog this! Definitely trying out the cake mix one!
I’ve been doing the cake mix one for a while ( this post opened my eyes) they taste home made ! My husband is amazed ! I haven’t told him anything, just take the praise 😂
Butch culture is flirting via cooking.
Look I’m just saying that if I say something like “Hey, what kind of foods do you like? You should totally come over and I can make something for you.”, it means I like you in a lesbian fashion.
french recipes: if you’re not making this in paris then what’s the point. fuck you
italian recipes: use the left leg meat of a pig from one of three farms in this specific area of tuscany, or from this day my grandmother will begin manifesting physically in your house
american recipes: buy these three cans of stuff and put them in a pan congrats you cooked
chinese recipes, as handed down from mother to child: season it with a pinch of this and some of that. you want to know the exact amount? feel it in your heart. ask the stars. yell into the void.
English recipes: boil and salt it. Okay that’s it enjoy
Greek recipes: You followed all the right steps but this isn’t quite right. I don’t know what to tell you.
Australia recipes: chuck it on the barbie
Latinx recipes: you will never make it better than your abuela, face the facts
Filipino recipes: add rice and soy sauce and some more rice MORE RICE MORE RICE MORE
Serbian Recipes: everything is salad. Ajvar? Salad. A single whole hot pepper covered in oil? Salad. Cabbage? Salad. Kajmak? Salad.
Lebanese recipes: If you don’t have at least 3 family members cooking this dinner with you than you aren’t doing it right.
Indonesian recipes: have you added spices? Add some just in case. Eat with rice. It’s not a proper meal until there’s rice in it. You just had bread/burger/cake/pizza? Eat rice anyway or you’ll die of starvation
Bonus Javanese recipes: Have you added sugar? What do you mean it’s meant to be salty/sour/spicy/something else? ADD SUGAR.TO IT
Canadian recipes: Well part of the directions are in metric but you have imperial measuring cups. I hope you like math because we’re going to find out how many gallons in a litre and how many millimetres are in a cup.
Swedish recipes: Assemble all the beige items you have in your kitchen. Great. now add raw red onions, dill and salt and white pepper. if u prefer it blander, don’t do the last things. consider serving it with jam
Norwegian recipes: listen after three days skiing uphill you will eat anything so stop complaining.
Indian recipes: spend two weeks digging the required spices out of your cupboards. Chop onions until you cry. Fry onions with spices until evey pore in your body is open, let the fragrance seep into your skin, become one with the curry.
german recipes: this meal isn’t what you think it is. it has 164 different names in different regions. it’s either made of potatoes, served with potatoes, or it’s cake. there’s a 50% chance it’s actually austrian, but don’t tell anyone.
belarusian recipes: “cook over a slow fire until done”. how many degrees is a slow fire? when is “done”? what am i even cooking there’s no picture and the only ingredients are honey and cornflower
turkish recipes: “if you do this, there’s really -REALLY- good change that you’ll die because everything is too spicy or too sweet but here we go”
romanian recipes: if you don’t already know the ingredients and directions by heart then what are we doing here
Brazilian recipes: make an extra sweet (preferably with chocolate) version of other culture’s food (sushis, hot dogs, pizzas, kibes, sfeehas, spaghetti made of chocolate; strawberry sashimis, banana burritos…)
American South recipes: put a stick of butter in it. Oh, you already put butter in? Well, bless your heart honey, but go ahead and put another stick of butter in there.
Polish Recipes: potato? Potato.
Lithuanian Recipes : You’ll need mushrooms from THIS EXACT forest , and good luck knowing what spices you need because every version of this recipe is different ,you’ll either cook it too long or too little and it won’t taste the way you remember it from childhood ADD MORE MUSHROOMS FROM THE ROOTS OF THE TWELFTH TREE IN THIS FOREST
Croatian recipes: add vegeta. did you put some vegeta? i need you to put some vegeta there
Hungarian recipes: add more paprika and/or sour cream. More. More. MORE. And if you mention that you find it too greasy/spicy, you’re disrespecting our ancestors back to Attila the Hun.
