the signs as shit my coworkers do/say

aries: makes every song that’s playing in the building about erectile dysfunction, but swears on their lives they don’t have erectile dysfunction

taurus: yo, listen, i’m not asking, but if, i don’t know, somehow, i don’t know, a free cheesecake or something made it’s way over to my table, i mean, i’m not asking but listen i wouldn’t be complaining

gemini: no i didn’t say i was mad at her i was just sick of her bullshit but it’s okay now i broke into her car and took her weed. we homies

cancer: look at my BABY!!!! look at my BABY!! oh my fucking god my BABY CUTE. my baby so fucking CUTE. damn….look at my baby i made that motherfucking angel of happiness and sunshine

leo: (my 45 yr old balding and married male coworker) doNCha Wish Ya GiRlFriEnd WaS HoT LiKe mEEeEe i mean fuck yeah you do because fuck you guys i am the hottest

virgo: (lid to ice container was off) whO the FUCK keeps forgetting to close this… i swear to god….i keep telling you people…oh wait….shit….my bad i think it was me

libra: my parents just kicked me out again because my belly button piercing is uneven. also i’m high can i have fajitas

scorpio: (dead silence) so…….you like it when people go down on your strap?

sagittarius: will not stop singing old town road in different cartoon voices when i am trying to talk to customers

capricorn: i clocked out four hours ago and have been blanking out ever since why am i still here

aquarius: if i throw an almond milk party will you come? i mean only if you’re okay with the almonds milking you

pisces: (gets flirted on by a customer) we are getting married. i swear to god. you’re invited to the wedding. what song is playing right now? oh My God this is OUR song