girls will be girls

i just had the sudden, awe-inspiring revelation that even if i fuck up my phd and end up doing something else i am still a good person who works hard and tries to be nice and fights every day to be better and i will still forge happiness for myself in a dark world and keep those i love close to me sooo

so i booked a trip to come to prague and then the conference people changed the dates so i had to change my flights then i realised i was too scared to travel at night and also my hostel double booked me so  i changed it to the next morning but then i realised that i couldn’t get to an airport by train because it was a sunday and had a total mental breakdown on saturday night even though my flight was at 7:30 and cried and cried so took some of my calmy down meds but then they made be sick and feverish and delirious so i didn’t sleep but had to leave the house at 3am to get two buses through north london surrounded by drunk people and an old men kept shouting at me on the bus that he was going to fuck me ‘for england’ then i had to get a national express coach but i just slept on it then i didn’t even have to check in i just went straight through security and tried to drink coffee to wake up but it made me more sick and gave me tummy troubles and then i got on the plane and slept and then i landed in prague and it’s kinda the most beautiful place i’ve ever seen in my life and i wandered around for ages just soaking it up and loving it and got a bus from the airport to the metro then got the metro to the tram then the tram to the centre then found my hostel then found an amazing terrace bar overlooking the whole city and had a pint while writing in my diary and it was warm and people were friendly then got to the conference just on time and made lots of friends and had fun chats and asked questions even though i was MORTALLY EXHAUSTED and now i’m in my hostel and it’s BEAUTIFUL and i’ve got a huge room all to myself and a locker and it’s cheap and safe and nice and they were playing metallica as i walked in and it’s a straight line to the conference venue and i lovelovelove it here and had a great dinner of czech sausage and sauerkraut with my conference delegates and i’m gonna work on my paper and SLEEP because i have to be up at 8 to get ready and have breakfast and i’m speaking at 11 arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhh

but basically i was SO FRIGHTENED of coming here and so sick and so tired and just felt the worst i have since i was in hospital but i DID IT. i figured out how to get here and i did it all even though i was so sick and i’m abroad on my own for the first time in my entire life ever and i feel empowered and amazing and strong and i’ve confronted something that truly terrified me and actually pushed through it despite being debilitatingly ill and i got a slightly shitty email from my supervisor but i am GOOD AND SMART AND STRONG AND I WILL WIN