this is an ineffable husbands & geraskier safezone

Thinking of the larger context of LOTR and like, the fellowship swapping old war stories and shit and Sam just says “Yeah I killed a huge spider…Shelob, I think?”

And Gandalf just blinks and is like, “You what now?”

“Yeah, killed it. Had to save Frodo”

Gandalf elects not to tell Sam that he killed the spawn of a primordial demon.

the daughter of the embodiment of darkness which ate the original sun and moon and almost ate the devil.

That's not important. What is important is that it was a danger to Mister Frodo.

Time for me to info dump about Sam and Shelob.

In lord of the rings lore, there are three tiers of deities. The highest tier and most dangerous includes Morgoth - Sauron’s master, and Ungoliant, Shelob’s master. The middle tier includes Shelob, Sauron. Then there’s the lowest tier, which includes the wizards Gandalf and Saruman as well as the Balrog (this is why Gandalf couldn’t 1v1 the Balrog). It also explains why Gandalf doesn’t take the ring, the magic of a tier 2 deity would absolutely corrupt him. We even see that happen with Saruman and the Palantir.

This leads to the start of the answer to some interesting questions. Why does Sauron tolerate Shelob being in his territory, and why does Sauron tolerate there being a secret back door into Mordor?

On the surface, he does it because he might not be able to beat Shelob in a fight, after all they’re the same tier of deity. And since Shelob’s domain is the secret way into Mordor, he can’t close it off, and he seriously doubts anyone can use it to get in. He doesn’t monitor the path with guards either - Shelob would eat them.

It gets more detailed than that though. Sauron’s boss, Morgoth, and Shelob’s boss, Ungoliant, made a deal. They’d attack the tree of life together. Morgoth would drink the nectar, and Ungoliant would keep all of the jewels and magic they earned along the way. Morgoth broke this deal because there was a particularly powerful gem he wanted (the gem in Sauron’s helmet), and as a result Ungoliant went to war with Morgoth.

Ungoliant won, Morgoth barely escaped with his life.

So not only does Sauron maybe lose if he attacks Shelob. Even if he were to win, it might provoke Ungoliant into attacking Morgoth again, and Ungoliant wins that fight, she’s already done it once.

With all of that established, how the hell does Sam hurt a deity that powerful?

Well, to start, it’s impossible. Shelob’s hide is so tough Sam could never pierce it with all his might. However, Shelob had grown old and arrogant. During the fight, Sam winds up directly underneath Shelob, and Shelob decides to crush Sam with all her strength.

Unfortunately, Sam is pointing sting straight up.

While Sam lacks the strength to hurt Shelob, Shelob herself is plenty strong. She accidentally impales herself on sting, finding herself injured for the first time in thousands of years. Which is the sort of poetry I really appreciate about Tolkien’s writing.

No matter how powerful or evil or ancient or indestructible your foe, if you stand for what is right and hold your sword out, they will impale themselves upon it.

Sam’s backstory in this scene is much simpler. He has to save Frodo.

I love it when tolkien fans reblog posts with the deep lore receipts. Thank you

Tucker wasn’t there when Church died. Well, when he died the first time. When Alpha died, he should say. When his Church died. 

It was weird to hear about it, even weirder to see a part of him running around like that moment of time didn’t happen. Because Tucker knew this wasn’t his Church, he spent way too long bickering with him in Blood Gulch to not know the differences between his best friend and his amnesiatic copy, but the similarities are uncanny. Sometimes he’s tricked into thinking it’s actually his Church, only for him to misremember the details of a story they lived through, only for him to forget Tucker’s name, only for him to look blankly as Tucker chuckles an inside joke under his breath. 

And then Kinda-but-not-really-Church dies again, stuck in a memory unit and swept away by the UNSC, their newest recruit spray painted to look just like him. It’s not quite as fucky as when Not-Church was walking around acting like Real-Church, but Tucker still does a double take everytime he hears the wrong voice speaking behind a light blue helmet. 

And then Carolina comes around, takes them through hell to get Not-Church back, except he’s different. He’s more like Tucker’s Church. He cracks inside jokes, starts calling Tucker by name on the first try, remembers Blood Gulch as well as the rest of them. For a moment, Tucker thinks he’s gonna be reunited with his best friend, that he’s actually going to have him back and get to talk to him like old times and not have this gaping hole that Church left when he died. 

But he doesn’t get that. Of course he doesn’t. Because the universe just loves spitting in Tucker’s face, loves giving him a taste of what he wants before taking it away. It gave him a son, and then killed him, and then brought him back and then forced Tucker to send him away so he didn’t get dragged into a fucking fire fight over a stupid alien artifact. It gave him a home, a place he loved and hated more than anything and then sent him away, gave him a job he loved and hated just as much, and then he was back on his bullshit with his team, fighting Tex and a giant ex-AI possessed freelancer the size of a truck. 

It gave him his best friend and then took him away again and again and again.

It didn’t even let him be there when he died, didn’t even let him grieve before throwing another copy at him to deal with. 

He didn’t even get to say goodbye. He never gets to say goodbye.

quick spideypoolverine.

ok two posts in one day, but I'm back on my bs so who cares. I've been thinking a lot about Tuckington as husbands, mostly all of the domestic shenanigans and the dynamics of it, so here's some of that:

-I think during retirement they'd start gaming together a lot, Tucker leans towards action titles and shooters and Wash while okay with those games, and actually pretty good at them, usually prefers cozy games and life simulators (animal crossing, stardew valley, etc), so they usually find a balance by playing RPG's together, with the occasional horror game when Tucker can convince Wash (also they have a shared minecraft world with like, 300 hours on it collectively).

-Related to this, Tucker 100% manages to get Wash to fall for dumb puns and those bad "ligma" jokes due to Wash not experiencing them very often thanks to spending most of his 20's in the military/project freelancer rather than like, college or something, and Tucker revels in it because it's the most he's ever been able to pull them off, and they usually go something like this:

Tucker (playing through a game on the couch with Wash on the other controller, exploring a new area) : Oh hey, there's some up-dog in here.

Wash (following behind Tucker's character, entirely genuine): What's up-dog?

Tucker (with the most shit eating grin imaginable): Nothing much man, what's up with you?

Wash: *actively opening the options menu to punch Tucker's character in the face*

---

Anyway, they're very big collective dorks to me once their married, something something they match each others freak/bring out the nerd in each other, I might write this eventually. (lying)

If this pops up while you’re scrolling, I wish you unconditional love and massive success.

i love the idea that part of the reason edwin is such a little bitch (affectionate) is that charles just fucking encourages it. the first time edwin gives him attitude in the attic (“because i wish not to” or something that) charles gives him the biggest heart eyes. and, like, edwin said he wasn’t great with people, so obviously he’s going off of charles’ responses to figure out how to interact with people. and charles very much likes it when edwin is bitchy.

which is why, when we see them in 2023, edwin is so cunty. because charles has spent 34 years fucking encouraging it and giving him heart eyes every time he acts like that.

Ball of molten iron vs discarded pineapple skin was not a 1v1 I was ever expecting to see, nor was I expecting the pineapple skin to win.

yeah but if you're wearing pineapple armour you need to look out for werewolves

Where do you think they're sourcing the pineapple skins from?

He made another video where he covers a wooden shield in pineapple skin and his friend uses a blow torch on it and the shield is barely charred

He has another one where he makes an entire suit out of pineapple and then stands in front of a blowtorch. I think he’s onto something.

What I'm hearing here is that dragons only look scaly. In reality, they are pineapple.

i don't know the etiquette for posting other peoples tiktoks but the delivery of this punchline hit me like a FUCKING TRUCK please

NikhilClayton <- you should follow this guy on tiktok he's fucking hilarious

Transcript:

Employee 1: Hey boss, can I ask you a question real quick?

Boss: I don't pay you to ask questions, I pay you to take the orders and deliver the pizza.

E1: That's the thing. I got this weird order just now from these four guys with long Italian names. They want a cheese, a pepperoni, a veggie, and I quote, "the weirdest combination of things you can possibly imagine," but the address they gave me was a manhole cover.

Boss: Just a random manhole cover?

E1: Nah, nah, a specific one.

Boss: Oh, okay. What's the problem then?

E1: Just that a few minutes later I got another order from guys with I'm pretty sure the same long Italian names, but shortened, and they also wanted a cheese, a pepperoni, a veggie, and…

Boss: "The weirdest combination of things you can possibly imagine"?

E1: Exactly! But the address this time was the building next to the manhole cover.

Boss: That is quite a coincidence.

E1: Is it? 'Cause on both calls there was a lot of chit-chat in the background and I think that one of the guys was worried that we wouldn't deliver to a manhole cover.

Boss: Ridiculous! We're a pizza shop in New York City, of course we deliver to manhole covers.

E1: Do you think I should bring both orders, or bank on it being the same one?

Employee 2: Hey are you guys talking about the manhole boys on 35th?

E1: That's the one!

E2: Okay, what you're gonna wanna do is bring both orders to that general area and some guys in trench coats will take it off your hands.

Boss: Please don't give our pizzas to random people in trench coats!

E2: Nah, it's them. Trust me, I know these guys.

E1: You do? What's their deal?

E2: It's complicated.

E1: Sum it up in four words.

(the answer being "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles")

i don't know the etiquette for posting other peoples tiktoks but the delivery of this punchline hit me like a FUCKING TRUCK please

NikhilClayton <- you should follow this guy on tiktok he's fucking hilarious

Transcript:

Employee 1: Hey boss, can I ask you a question real quick?

Boss: I don't pay you to ask questions, I pay you to take the orders and deliver the pizza.

E1: That's the thing. I got this weird order just now from these four guys with long Italian names. They want a cheese, a pepperoni, a veggie, and I quote, "the weirdest combination of things you can possibly imagine," but the address they gave me was a manhole cover.

Boss: Just a random manhole cover?

E1: Nah, nah, a specific one.

Boss: Oh, okay. What's the problem then?

E1: Just that a few minutes later I got another order from guys with I'm pretty sure the same long Italian names, but shortened, and they also wanted a cheese, a pepperoni, a veggie, and…

Boss: "The weirdest combination of things you can possibly imagine"?

E1: Exactly! But the address this time was the building next to the manhole cover.

Boss: That is quite a coincidence.

E1: Is it? 'Cause on both calls there was a lot of chit-chat in the background and I think that one of the guys was worried that we wouldn't deliver to a manhole cover.

Boss: Ridiculous! We're a pizza shop in New York City, of course we deliver to manhole covers.

E1: Do you think I should bring both orders, or bank on it being the same one?

Employee 2: Hey are you guys talking about the manhole boys on 35th?

E1: That's the one!

E2: Okay, what you're gonna wanna do is bring both orders to that general area and some guys in trench coats will take it off your hands.

Boss: Please don't give our pizzas to random people in trench coats!

E2: Nah, it's them. Trust me, I know these guys.

E1: You do? What's their deal?

E2: It's complicated.

E1: Sum it up in four words.

(the answer being "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles")

PLEASE watch this. i love chaotic sisters best dynamic in the world

1. this should be required viewing for anyone writing young girls, especially sisters

2. she did a good job and totally saved their asses.

I love how you can put literally anything in the tags except for commas. You can have whole-ass ideas and thoughts and messages in there... Just not structured and coherent ones.

that is the face of a man worried he will be next

Good news, he was not next! In fact, she accepted him as her mate, he learned the crane mating dance and now every year, he artificially inseminates her with crane semen to expand the very endangered crane population. True story.

Sorry, he WHAT? Imagine being this man's boss and having to sit him down like. Listen. Brian. We need you to fuck the bird. You have to act like you're excited about it.

crane husband.....

this is the diametric opposite of all those awful swan wife stories and i love it.

(WalWaPo makes you jump through like three separate hoops before you can read the article, so I will share some of the highlights:

Legit cannot pick the funniest part of this

she has not been PROVEN to have killed her exes, but there is a PERSISTENT RUMOR (really officers she's simply DEVASTATED, she sobs, wearing a new feather boa unfortunately resembling her most recent deceased husband)

His name is Chris CROWE. (Mrs. Walnut Crane-Crowe?)

the mental images of a whole human man learning and performing the crane mating dance, and "sitting" on artificial eggs so she thinks he's performing his duties as a husband and father (and apparently OBJECTS if he does not?)

"chris, buddy, you gotta marry the possibly-murderous crane lady for the GOOD OF THE SPECIES." (alternately: "chris, my man! good news! we found you a very interested lady! She's 36, she's very spirited and independent, she holds a very important and rare status in her society! ...Is there a downside? WELL...")

chris sits any potential human partners down, like "my love, you must understand before we wed,,, i am already... Attached" (camera drifts wistfully to the above photo) "Lady Walnut and I have an,, Understanding... the relationship is open, but very committed"

just had to explain this post to my father bc he thought my stifled laughter was a signal of illness.

well done, everyone, good game. hit the showers.

Not only is he 'married' to walnut, this has apparently happened SEVERAL times, so he has MULTIPLE crane wives, none of which know about any of his other crane wives. This man is, for some unknown reason, irresistible to cranes

the “this content has been removed for violating Tumblr’s Community Guidelines” notice really adds a lot of flavor to this post and somehow makes it MORE obscene than whatever that actually was

World Heritage Post

I'd just like to point out that there is a (BEAUTIFUL) children's book about this crane coming out soon that is being published by Candlewick in collaboration with Smithsonian.

💯🙏💛🟨👍

Worst part about this is I've only ever used that yellow square emoji once and it was just to see how it looked. This isn't who I am. However, in retrospect, I suppose it is

Reading through the notes is a surreal experience please keep adding more to fuel my effervescent consumption of non descriptive emojis

💞✌💋🌈🌜

That's what I call character development

🤕🥰🧜‍♂️🦋👇

My twin would be 2 feet away from her phone and I'd be on the opposite side of the room and she'd just go "heyheyheyheyheyhey, can you hand me my phone?" And wouldn't stop til I got up and got it for her

There's something hilarious about how so much subsequent media has positioned Vampires and Werewolves as, like, binary opposite entities, and then you read Dracula (1897) and realize that wolves are that guy's preferred solution to every problem. You'd say something to Dracula about "ah yes, werewolves, vampires' great eternal enemies," and he'd just be like "you mean my subcontractors?"

Sums up my experience why that fucking lunatic Cazador just had werewolves at his pre celebration party of mass homicide