Nyle DiMarco & Chella Man Teach Us Queer Sign Language 

You don’t have to prove that you’re nonbinary to anyone and that includes other nonbinary and/or trans people.

Trans and nonbinary are still just people, and people often want you to change to fit their expectations rather than make them have to learn something new.

But, learning and growing is what life is about, so don’t hold back.

[Image Description: a two by four photoset of eight square images. Image one: a yellow background with white text that reads, “INTERSEX PEOPLE ARE ALSO INCLUDED IN THE TRANS FLAG”. Image two: a pink background with white text that reads, “ASPEC IDENTITIES ARE INHERENT PARTS OF THE COMMUNITY”. Image three: a blue background with white text that reads, “QUEER IS NOT A SLUR IT WAS RECLAIMED DECADES AGO”. Image four: a orange background with white text that reads, “PAN IS AN IDENTITY OF ITS OWN WORTHY OF INCLUSION”. Image five: a peach background with white text that reads, “BI WILL NEVER STOP BEING AN IMPORTANT NEEDED IDENTITY”. Image six: a teal background with white text that reads, “CORRECTING FALSE INFO IS NOT ‘FEEDING INTO DISCOURSE’”. Image seven: a green background with white text that reads, “‘LOVE IS LOVE’ DOES NOT REPRESENT THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY”. Image eight: a purple background with white text that reads, “PRONOUNS DO NOT EQUAL GENDER FOR EVERYONE”. End Description.]

happy pride! here are some reminders! 🌈

Literally one of the most important lessons I've ever internalized is "you don't NEED to fully understand something to support someone's rights."

This has been especially relevant for me with issues of gender and trans rights. I'm a cis woman who's very comfortable being a woman. If I'm being honest, while I understand a lot of the basics of gender discourse and topics, I don't think I'll ever be able to personally relate to it or understand it on a deeper level. I'm just happily cis. I don't get gender.

But I think a lot of cis people- and this used to be me- get super caught up in trying to fully understand trans issues. And don't get me wrong, that's important, but you don't NEED to know the intricacies of being bigender or whatever in order to support that person's rights. A trans man/woman or nonbinary person is just that, a person. They deserve to be happy like the rest of us.

The same applies to race, other aspects of gender, etc- like, a white person doesn't need to understand what it's like to personally be black and subjected to systematic racism to be an ally, nor does a man need to fully grasp what it's like to be a woman and subjected to systemic misogyny. Is it important to try? Of course!! It's always extremely important to be empathetic and willing to listen and learn.

But so many people get caught up in "well, I don't GET this so it must not be real." They don't understand that it's okay to not "get" something. Someone else's rights and happiness are not dependent on your personal progress learning about what life is like for them. God I wish I could rubber-stamp this into every single homo sapiens' brain.

TTRPGs for Trans Rights in Florida

y'all there is an absolutely bonkers deal going on at itch.io right now

You can get over 500 rpgs for only *five dollars* right now. That’s right, over $2000 worth of games for only five fucking dollars. It’s insane. It’s unreal. It’s totally worth more than any dollar amount you’re going to throw at it. And it’s all going towards charities that work with trans folx on the ground: specifically Zebra Youth and Transinclusive Group. If you donate more than $10 you get a special bonus - the creators of Action Fiction will send you a PDF copy of the 5E supplement “Monsters of Murka: Chromatic Gamut.” Go check it out now!!! Offer lasts until April 6!

Here’s the link, figured I’d drop it here since it took me so long to find it. Click

Queer people don’t want to ‘turn’ your kids queer. We want queer kids to live long enough to be adults. We want to create a generation of queer adults who don’t have to recover from a lifetime of trauma. We want you to see queer people as people, too.

Maintaining trans friendly spaces cannot be done through performative action – it requires active and self-aware participation. Simply putting up a no terf sign, and deleting terf posts is only the first step! 

You have to engage in thoughtful consideration of how these ideologies spread,  and remain mindful of language and aggression left unsaid. 

You have to actively question your own ideology for transphobia.

Above all. Above above all, you have to put forward messages of support, love and respect for trans people. 

Too many people get caught up in a game of social politics, and forget the vulnerable people we should be working to protect and support. This isn’t about the bigots, this is about loving and supporting trans people.

Things you can do to help support the trans community!

Remember being a good person is about working to be a better one!

The sentiment is good but I’ve had enough “you don’t owe cis people androgyny” to last me a lifetime, time for cis people owe ME androgyny

Like, why does it gotta be so damn hard just to exist as an androgynous person. Stop calling me wearing a women’s cardigan “feminine” when I am very clearly wearing androgynous and masculine stuff with it. Stop hen pecking trans men’s wardrobes like “hmm, I’m not sure a man would wear that!” Stop asking people if they’re transmasc or transfeminine when you clearly have no fucking idea what that even means. Same with “alignment.” Quit analyzing trans and nb people and getting upset when they aren’t clearly identifiable as a single binary gender presentation! That’s the point! That’s why androgyny is a thing. Leave androgynous nb and trans people a l o n e we have literally done nothing to you by presenting androgynously.

… evidently I have tapped into a well of rage I didn’t even know I had

Anyway if you’re androgynous you look incredible today may all your favorite clothes be clean when you get dressed

Fact #650: You are allowed to like “girly” things even if you’re not a girl. You’re allowed to like “boyish” things even if you’re not a boy. Your interests doesn’t invalidate your gender.

what a cishet is

• a cisgender heteroromantic heterosexual

what a cishet is not

• an asexual • a bisexual • a nonbinary trans person • someone who does not agree with you

Queer people don’t want to ‘turn’ your kids queer. We want queer kids to live long enough to be adults. We want to create a generation of queer adults who don’t have to recover from a lifetime of trauma. We want you to see queer people as people, too.

“Claiming that trans people are really just going through a separate mental disorder that’s unrelated to gender is a convenient and purposeful way to invalidate both transness and those with ASD.”

“For many of us, gender mostly impacts our lives when projected onto us through other people’s assumptions, but holds little intrinsic meaning.”

In which one of the best accounts on Twitter, the Merriam-Webster dictionary, writes you a nice limerick defending the singular “their.” 

[IMAGE: A screenshot of a tweet by Merriam-Webster. The text reads: 

If you’re a stickler for grammar, prepare to be irked by the singular ‘their’ Tho it seems a mistake The position we take Is if the word is in use we don’t care

It is accompanied by a link to the Merriam-Webster website, to a page titled “We Made You a Bunch of Usage Limericks.”] 

Supposedly progressive people are really weird with their criticisms of gender nonconformity in men

I’m like - as a gender nonconforming trans person this is not a great take. And they are like “oh but these are CIS people” and it’s just like listen… I have to police my own gender expression so I don’t get punched in certain public bathrooms, and I’ve still had preachers yell at me about being a “sodomite” at the bus stop. If a cis straight person wants to sit with me I think that’s chill. Not to mention that the lines between gender, and even the line between cis and trans can be blurry, elusive things.

“Everything is open to critique!”

Yes - I know - that’s why I’m critiquing your critique.

Hold on, I just thought of something…

I’m pretty sure most of us agree that it’s transphobic to hold trans people to more stringent standards of gender conformity than cis people, right? Holding a double-standard like that implies an underlying belief that trans people aren’t as much their gender as a cis person is, and that’s a transphobic belief.

But uh… that’s also true when one holds trans people to less stringent standards of gender conformity than cis people. (Not that we should be holding anyone to stringent standards of gender conformity in the first place.)

The wild thing is, as I observed people talking about this, a lot of them will say it’s not bad if they are trans and/or nonbinary to wear feminine clothing… but they don’t understand that you can’t know someone’s gender identity by looking at them! They tried to shift it to celebrities being like “well we know x celebrity is a cis man…” and it’s like actually you don’t know anyone’s relationship to their gender unless they tell you so how about let’s stop being the gender police hmm

My girlfriend and I talk a lot about our different generations of queerness, because she was doing queer activism in the 1990s and I wasn’t.

And she’s supportive of my writing about queerness but also kind of bitter about how quickly her entire generation’s history has disappeared into a bland “AIDS was bad, gay marriage solved homophobia” narrative, and now we’re having to play catch-up to educate young LGBTQ+ people about queer history and queer theory. It gets pretty raw sometimes.

I mean, a large part of the reason TERFs have been good at educating the young and queer people haven’t is, in the 80s and 90s the leading lights of TERFdom got tenured university positions, and the leading lights of queerdom died of AIDS.

“Excuse us,” she said bitterly the other day, not at me but to me, “for not laying the groundwork for children we never thought we’d have in a future none of us thought we’d be alive for.”

“the reason TERFs have been good at educating the young and queer people haven’t is, in the 80s and 90s the leading lights of TERFdom got tenured university positions, and the leading lights of queerdom died of AIDS.”

thank you for giving me a good reason to finish my dissertation and try to make it in the academy

Wait, idk LGBTQ+ history, but they died of AIDS cause, what, hospitals refused to treat them or…?

Oh heck yeah.

When an epidemic happens, public health agencies spend millions of dollars trying to understand what happens: Why are people sick or dying? What caused it? Who else is at risk? Government health departments like the Centres for Disease control and private companies both invest hundreds of millions of dollars into preserving public health. This happened in 1977, when military veterans who all attended the same gathering began to get sick with a strange type of pneumonia, with 182 cases and 29 dead, and the CDC traced the illness to a bacterium distributed by the air conditioning system of a hotel they all stayed at, and in 1982, when seven people died of tainted Tylenol, and pharmaceutical companies changed the entire way their products were made and packaged to prevent more deaths.

Meanwhile, the AIDS epidemic took six years to be recognized by the CDC (1975-1981) because at first the only people dying were intravenous drug users, which is to say, heroin addicts; when it was recognized, President Reagan’s government pressured the CDC to spend as little time and money on AIDS as possible, because they literally didn’t think gay lives were important. So yes, hospitals refused to treat them and medical staff treated them as disgusting people who deserved to die, but also, there was very little funding for scientists to understand what this disease was, what caused it, where it came from, how it spread, or how to stop it. The LGBTQ+ community had to organize and fight to get hospitals to treat them, to fund scientific research, to be legally allowed to buy the drugs that kept them alive, and to have access to treatment. An effective treatment for AIDS wasn’t found until 1995.

And it’s ongoing; a lot of the difficulty of fighting AIDS in Africa is that it’s seen as “the gay disease” (and thanks to European colonialism, even African societies that used to be okay with us were taught to think LGBTQ+ people are bad).  Even now that we have medications that can treat or prevent AIDS, they’re incredibly expensive and hard to get; in 2015, New York businessman Martin Shkreli acquired the exclusive right to make a drug that treats an AIDS-related disease, and raised its price from $13.50 a pill to $750 a pill. 

Here’s one history on what it was like to have and fight AIDS, one history on how politicians responded to the epidemic, and if you can get a copy of the documentary How to Survive a Plague, it’s a good introduction, because it’s about how AIDS patients had to fight for their lives. A lot of these histories are imperfect and incomplete, because privilege played a big part in whose lives and deaths were seen as important–Poor people, people of colour, trans people, and drug addicts were less likely to be able to afford or access medical care, and more likely to die without being remembered; histories often tend to focus on straight people who got AIDS through no fault of their own, and then white cis gay men who seem more “respectable” and “relatable”.  

I mean, people who will talk about how homophobia led to neglect of AIDS still find ways not to mention that AIDS isn’t just sexually transmitted; it’s hugely a disease of drug addicts, because sharing needles is a huge way the disease spreads. But because society always thinks, oh, drug addicts are bad and disgusting people and of course criminals, that often gets neatly dropped from the histories, and it’s still hard to get people to agree to things that keep drug addicts alive, like needle exchanges and supervised injection sites. But if you want my rant about how the war on drugs is bullshit used to control poor people and people of colour, and drugs shouldn’t be criminalized, you’ll have to ask for that separately.

They died of AIDS because

Picture from 1993:

We lost basically a whole generation of the queer community.

As a current AIDS survivor, this is really important information. I was diagnosed not only HIV positive in 2014, but I had already progressed to an AIDS diagnosis. Knowing how far we’ve come with treatment and what the trials and tribulations of those who came before cannot and must not ever be forgotten. Awareness is the number one goal. I often speak to the microbiology students at my university to explain what it’s like to live with, how the medications work, side effects, how it’s affected my daily life, and just raise general awareness.

Before my diagnosis, I, like many others, was clueless to how far treatment has come. I was still under the belief my diagnosis was a death sentence. Moving forward, even if only one person hears my story, that’s one more person that’s educated and can raise awareness.

I believe it’s time for us as a society to start better education of this disease. The vast majority of the people I’ve spoken to are receptive to the knowledge of my status, and I’ve received lots of support from loved ones, friends, and total strangers. It’s time to beat the stigma.

This is slightly off-point, but as for the cost, I wanted to mention that some pharmacies have specialties that let them get special coupons/programs and stuff to save money.

A bottle of Truvada (a month supply commonly used for treating this) is at least $3,000 out of pocket and insurance doesn’t usually take a lot off of that. But the pharmacy I work at is an HIV specialty and we always get te price down to less than $10.

If you’re on HIV meds and they’re ludicrously expensive, ask your local pharmacy manager if there are any local HIV specialty pharmacies that they know of. They might be able to help.

I think it’s important to emphasize that, while the diagnosis is no longer a death sentence, it is also true that people dying of AIDS because of homophobia is not history only.

My brother’s first boyfriend was kicked out/disowned by his parents for being queer, got AIDS, couldn’t afford treatment, and died.  He died in 2019, at around 20 years old.

In 2019.

Barely more than a kid.

Of a treatable disease.

Because of homophobia.

Because his parents cared more about not being associated with a queer person than they cared about their son’s literal life.

AIDS is not just history.  Neither is homophobia.

Back to history: When AIDS patients held die-ins, they went to hospitals, lay down in front of them, and literally waited to die.

If you’re young & either queer or queer-adjacent, think about the number of people out of the closet you know your own age & think about how many you know your parents age. They’re not stamping us out of the mould any quicker these days than in the ‘60s, except in lockstep with population growth. I think, growing up, my picture of relative numbers of queer people & straights was unavoidably impacted by the number of empty seats at our table. That might be the case for you too. The number of elders you never got to meet.

Remember this when people talk about how small the LGBTQIA+ population is. That it’s “such a small percentage of the population to be catered too”. Remember this and tell them, “that’s because homophobia killed them”.

This picture of the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus is often included with the “The men facing the camera/in white are the surviving members” but it leaves out something extremely important:

By 1996, all of the men facing the camera in the picture were dead.

Every.

Single.

One.

Eric Luse, the photographer, said this in a more recent article :

By 1996 the obituary list was almost 50 names longer than the entire choral roster. All of the positions plus four dozen more, gone. The obituary list continued to grow, too. The cost and availability of any treatments in the mid-late 90s continued to cause more death.

If you were queer in the 80s and 90s, you knew someone who had it and knew people who died from it. Period. I cannot stress the impact this had on the queer community and those of us who were alive at the time, and I know the scope of it is almost unimaginable to younger people today.

By 1996, there were NO surviving original members of the SFGMC. You need to know that when you see this picture.

Dozens of the men turned away from the camera here in this shot were also dead alongside the men in white. It is vital to recognize that.

There is no hope in this picture, it isn’t a display of a lucky few who avoided death. There is no “Well at least some of them survived” because no, they didn’t, and this time was so fucking bleak and painful it’s astonishing that anything got done. They’d march one week and die the next. Their friends would bury them in the morning and march in the afternoon. This went on for years.

Bigotry and hate and ignorance killed generations of queer people. It speaks to the sheer resilience of the community that from that all but state-sanctioned genocide, we have gained so much ground in the last few decades. Much is owed to the people who refused to stay quiet and who fought even on their deathbeds, so please consider learning about LGBTQ+ history as a way of continuing the fight and showing respect. Many of us coming of age at that time didn’t have that opportunity, and made it a point to learn and get involved as teenagers and young adults because we saw what we were losing.

Sing for two.

My fave part of this post is the repeated usage of the word “queer”. In a discussion about the hatred of LGBT people and how they were left to die by the government, it’s always a great idea to call them all a slur. Can you switch it up a bit and use “fag” next time?

There’s a really obvious reason why we’re using “queer”.

When talking about LGBTQ+ history, often we have to be really careful with the language we use, because how we understand things now is not how the people we’re talking about understood themselves at the time. We end up using phrases like, “People who we would now understand as gay or lesbian” or “experiences which modern transgender people often identify with”.

In this case? It’s because that’s the word they used.

(Many of them also used the words “fag” or “dyke”, but “queer” is more inclusive.)

When I talk about “the leading lights of queerness” I mean Queer Nation. I mean the people who contributed to Queer Theory. I mean people who deliberately chose to use that word. I mean me and my ex-girlfriend. We exist.

During the AIDS crisis especially, homophobia was so bad that a lot of people didn’t want to be known by any word associated with the gay community: Not gay, not homosexual, not queer, not anything. Epidemiologists had to create the category of “men who have sex with men” because there was literally no existing term that didn’t carry the weight of a slur. The purpose of using the word “queer” was for people to say, “Let’s stop running from the things society is calling us; let’s pick up the weapons they’ve hurled at us and start hurling them back. There is no level of socially acceptable we can be that will make them suddenly decide our lives matter. We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it.”  It meant very specifically embracing and defending their/our marginalized position.

Every word we’ve ever been known by has been a slur. We all have our own histories and flinch reactions. I grew up with “gay” and “lezzo” being used really hatefully around me, as well as “queer” and “dyke” and “fag”, and I have different comfort levels with all those different words.

/shrug emoji You can dislike the word all you like and ask that it not be used for you. But historically and today, a lot of us do use it for ourselves, and we constitute “the queer community” or “queerdom”. Which we don’t think is a bad thing. If you don’t want to join us, fine, but that doesn’t make us stop existing, and any other word you can call us would also be a slur, because our community is predicated on saying, “We are that thing you’re so afraid of. Get used to it.”

Speaking to the MSM point in the final addition.  Functionally a problem in trying to get studies going in the 80s and 90s that tried to figure out what in hell was going on was trying to get people into studies.  To answer questions.  Because you could lose your job, home, family, life if you incautiously admitted to being gay/queer/homosexual.  So among the men who were terrified of being on any kind of record as being gay because they self identified that way there were a whole host of people who didn’t actually see themselves as gay. Because it was just not something they could accept. But what always fascinated me was in the studies we did (I’m out of Vancouver, BC and have been part of an HIV/AIDS research organization since 96, for context) at one point we had a staunch group of individuals who were predominantly immigrants from other cultures who culturally had definitions of behaviour that didn’t align with North American behaviour labels. Insertive partners in some cultures are not gay as they were/are not mechanically different from “the normal male” sexual actor.  Receptive partners were.  Basically the thinking in some people’s minds is that women=receptive and insertive=male.  And if your sex didn’t match the sexual position…  Now. To be clear.  I’m not saying these things as a point of “this is what I think”.  This is what had been captured in interviews and conversations and studies over the years.  Some people aligned themselves these ways.  I’ve always seen it as part and parcel of the gender issues and misogyny that we’re still, 30 years later, arguing about.  As to the rest… I’ve written about this (and lectured and written and lectured and written) before.  In this particular thread even.  It will never stop amazing me the revisionism that happens around queer.  Those of us who were in large protesting crowds, remembering “We’re Here! We’re Queer! Get Over It!” being told “it’s never not been a slur/been used by us” just…wigs me out. What I remember?  What I remember is my now husband and then friends (and myself) knowing that the straight culture we lived in equated holding hands with a sexual act.  Holding hands in public as queer people was fucking.  It was viewed the same.  Today that seems ludicrous but it’s how it was.  Our being was an act of aggression, of sexual acts, of a political agenda.  A spiritual and moral violence. And we knew. Like everyone has known: the fear behind that was potentially a tool we could use. So standing in rooms with scientists and physicians who had decided we were dirty queers with sick fucking lives and minds, prone to acts of perversion and inhumanity?  We wore shirts with QUEER in big bold letters so when they talked to us, met our eyes, it was over the words they were whispering in their heads.  It was under the leather we wore, the sexualized outfits with no room for misinterpretation about FUCKING.  And SEX.  And in these meetings discussing policy and funding and science we stood there in our entirety on display, forcing them to look at us in all of this - to see we felt all of it was normal and not something we were ashamed of? How could the idea that sex was enjoyable be a topic of debate that had implications on our fundamental humanity?  Apparently people did, and do, think so. This all put us in positions of power in those negotiations.  Negotiations, do not ever forget often that were about whether or not their largess would allow us to live.  So while people were embarrassed to be confronted with their prejudices that they were comfortable expressing out of sight and hearing of us, we stood and HELD their eyes and their attention. Queer fuckers.  Fags and perverts.  And we refused to fucking die quietly. (shrug) So to those that dislike the word, outside of the fire of my own history I will calmly discuss it and follow their instructions not to call them queer.  But if you step into my history, into the graveyard of the men and women I know who are now gone due to apathy and disinterest and hatred and homophobia… you’re going to hear queer.  In great swelling chants from the throats of thousands of people in the streets.  You can like it or hate it but you cannot argue it’s existence and the lever it was that shifted the world we’re arguing in the middle of, today.

There can be as many microlabels as there are stars in the sky, and as long as someone finds them useful, I won’t care.

If having all those labels makes someone feel happy and secure in themself and their identity, that’s a good thing.

If you don’t need multiple labels to be happy, congratulations, but stop shitting on people who do.