i’m starting to realize the “friendship where we bully each other” thing is a complicated subject for me, because as a survivor of bullying and my interests being mocked for basically my entire life, i don’t really find it funny or endearing when pals do it. i don’t mind gentle insults and inside jokes, but idk, there has to be a point where you go “maybe i shouldn’t cut on my friend’s new oc or special interest” and stop yourself. i think we should all try a little harder to know that boundary and not put our friends in those situations

My best friend and I used to greet each other with insults (“hey bitch!” “wassup slut?”) and generally poke fun at each other all the time. It’s how we showed affection, just constant little pokes and prods and minor nuisances. But I noticed that these exchanges were wearing her down through little behavioral ticks, like she’d go quiet or her laugh wasn’t as bubbly. So I changed how I show her affection and now scream “hi Dawn I love you :D” at the top of my lungs when I say hi. And I hear her stifle a giggle and she answers with either “love you too” or “hiiiii, love you!!!” depending on her mood at the time.

It’s fine to have a close friendship where you can pretend to be mean to each other and you both understand that none of that meanness is real. But the second it starts to feel real to either of you, that behavior should change.

i think that like, little jokes and ribbing can be okay but you need to make sure you’re not always bullying someone about the same thing constantly

like joking ‘hey idiot!’ is fine, but if you call one of your friends stupid all the time and literally never let them have any identity other than ‘the stupid one’, thats not a joking friendship. that’s actual bullying.

that autism feel when you explain repeatedly, in depth, you have trouble with figurative social language, and your friends keep expecting you’ll ‘get it.’

stop forgiving people who continuously cross the boundaries you set. they’re testing the waters trying to see what they can get away with, finding out how hard they can push you. they want you to give in because they benefit from you not having strong boundaries. they know exactly what they’re doing; don’t tolerate their disrespect.

A friend (I use the term loosely. More of a former acquaintance, really.), just sent me a message on FB. It was so long I had to copy-paste it into word and it took up 12 pages.  

She got COVID-19 at the very start of the outbreak in the UK, and she’s been ill for months in the aftermath. Yesterday, her doctor asked her if she’s ever heard of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, or as it’s more commonly known, “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.” (Or “yuppie flu” to the vitriolic who also suffer from an unfortunate case of “head-in-ass” syndrome.) 

They told her they’re seeing a lot of patients get sick with ME/CFS symptoms in the wake of COVID-19. They talked a lot to her about post-viral syndrome and how it might still go away, or how it might be permanent. They told her they just plain don’t have the answers. They gave her leaflets for cognitive behavioral therapy, for an illness that is increasingly being discovered has many, many physical causes (cranial instability and viral overload are just two examples) but has predominantly been treated with talky-therapy and general sweet fuck all else for years.

So she messaged me, the person she used to roll her eyes at when I said I was too sick to get out of bed some days. She apologized, at length, for all the times she said I was lazy, for all the times she rolled her eyes, and all the times she talked about me behind my back. She wrote, saying she’d heard from other friends that I’d gotten better recently, and she hopes I’m still doing better. And then she said, “I suppose this is what I get for being unkind,” and I had to take a moment to just breathe because however awful a friend she might have been to me in the past, chronic illnesses are not a curse.

They are not karma for bad things. They are not some sort of divine justice for not saying your prayers at night or not being a good person. There is no morality involved in health. There’s genetics, chance, environmental risk, and sometimes, just outright bad luck. It is not a judgment from on high. You/I/We did not do something wrong either in this life or in a past one to “deserve” anything like this. 

Sickness happens. That is an unfortunate truth of being alive.

And the sooner we stop equating health with morality and strength of character, the better. I’m not alive because I’m a strong-willed, good person, I’m alive because I managed to hang on long enough to get (one of) my illness treated. That’s it. That’s the truth. Strength of moral character means sweet fuck all when the medical world has decided you don’t matter. It just leaves for a pretty epitaph. 

Just like everyone else, I’m allowed to have boundaries

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

I think it’s really cruel to continue to hang around/ interact with people that have severely hurt your friends. im not talking about petty arguments but it really says something if your disregard the pain someone has caused a person close to you all for the sake of socializing and your image.

I’ll say one thing for this whole “everyone else is now living in quarantine” experience, it’s making all my friends realize just how incredibly lonely and isolating my chronic health issues are and how shitty some of them have been as friends for assuming the permanent isolation I’ve been living in for the last 5 years isn’t all that hard.

After all, I’m home right? I’m in bed most days. Sounds great. Ideal even.

Until you’ve got no other option.

“You should have more sympathy then, if you know what it’s like” was said to me, by one friend, who isn’t really much of a friend anymore, to which my reply was, “Why? You’ve never shown me any.”

And I know that shit’s petty. But if you’re going to burn bridges you might as well do it via orbital strike.

Your friends should be viewing your growth as inspiration not competition.

Autistic adulting is when you repeat yourself, and repeat yourself, and repeat yourself, because the person you are “communicating” with keeps replying with things that AREN’T a response to what you said.

Gotta love the “I don’t want to answer you’re question/the answer should be obvious” silence that just ends up with me asking again. Like, I need an actual answer here???

Right?  Like, if I already KNEW the answer, then I wouldn’t have asked the question!  I find myself starting questions with a preface like “Now I’m seriously asking this,” or “I really need a response to this.”  It feels like that shouldn’t NEED to be said, and yet.

i’m starting to realize the “friendship where we bully each other” thing is a complicated subject for me, because as a survivor of bullying and my interests being mocked for basically my entire life, i don’t really find it funny or endearing when pals do it. i don’t mind gentle insults and inside jokes, but idk, there has to be a point where you go “maybe i shouldn’t cut on my friend’s new oc or special interest” and stop yourself. i think we should all try a little harder to know that boundary and not put our friends in those situations

My best friend and I used to greet each other with insults (“hey bitch!” “wassup slut?”) and generally poke fun at each other all the time. It’s how we showed affection, just constant little pokes and prods and minor nuisances. But I noticed that these exchanges were wearing her down through little behavioral ticks, like she’d go quiet or her laugh wasn’t as bubbly. So I changed how I show her affection and now scream “hi Dawn I love you :D” at the top of my lungs when I say hi. And I hear her stifle a giggle and she answers with either “love you too” or “hiiiii, love you!!!” depending on her mood at the time.

It’s fine to have a close friendship where you can pretend to be mean to each other and you both understand that none of that meanness is real. But the second it starts to feel real to either of you, that behavior should change.

i think that like, little jokes and ribbing can be okay but you need to make sure you’re not always bullying someone about the same thing constantly

like joking ‘hey idiot!’ is fine, but if you call one of your friends stupid all the time and literally never let them have any identity other than ‘the stupid one’, thats not a joking friendship. that’s actual bullying.

Don’t believe those who say otherwise: you are enough. You are enough right here, right now. And you deserve better than people who constantly make you feel you’ll never be good enough for them.

sometimes you say or do bad things while you’re in an awful mental place. sometimes you say things that are rude or uncalled for or manipulative. and i’m not going to hold that against you. mental illness is hard, and no one is perfect. but once you’re through that episode, you need to take steps to make amends. you need to apologize.

“i couldn’t help it, i was having a bad episode” is a justification, not an apology.

“i’m so fucking sorry, i fucked up, i don’t deserve to live, i should stop talking to anyone ever, i should die” is a second breakdown and a guilt trip. it is not an apology.

when you apologize, the focus should be on the person you hurt. “i’m sorry. i did something that was hurtful to you. even if i was having a rough time, you didn’t deserve to hear that,” is a better apology. if it was a small thing, you can leave it at that.

if you caused significant distress to the other person, this is a good time to talk about how you can minimize damage in the future. and again, even if it is tempting to say you should self-isolate and/or die, that is not a helpful suggestion. it will result in the person you’re talking to trying to talk you out of doing that, which makes your guilt the focus of the conversation instead of their hurt.

you deserve friendship, and you deserve support. but a supportive friend is not an emotional punching bag, and mental illness does not absolve you of responsibility for your actions. what you say during a mental breakdown doesn’t define you. how you deal with the aftermath though, says a lot.

You’re not supposed to always feel emotionally drained after hanging out with your friends. Energy wise, sure. Being social is very tiring for a lot of autistic people. And sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference between the two.

But your friends are supposed to make you happy. Friends are meant to help each other have a good life, even if it’s just in small ways.

If you always leave feeling exhausted, upset and/or feeling like you spent all your energy on something that just wasn’t worth it… that’s a sign that that friend isn’t actually a good friend for you.

autism problem #1318

When your friend knows you’re autistic and have been bullied for it your whole life, but still won’t respect you and stop using “autist” as an insult.

If anyone does that to me, they’re not a friend of mine!

Dear all members of the LGBT+ community

If your friend/lover makes comments about your gender/sexuality that invalidate you, purposefully use the wrong name and/or pronouns because your preferred ones are “just too complicated”, you have the right to be upset and/or finding someone better. You aren’t being “too sensitive” nor are you “unable to take a joke.” You deserve to be respected, and please know that there are plenty of people out there who will give you the respect you deserve.