[ID: tweet by @/graphickat: “When people say “they never use disability as an excuse” it makes me furious.

Stating my reality is not an excuse. My body has physical limitations that aren’t negotiable.

When I tell you I can’t do something, it’s not an excuse. It’s not a matter of positivity. It’s truth.“ End ID.

“Imagine having a child that refuses to hug you or even look you in the eyes”

Imagine being shamed, as a child, for not showing affection in a way that is unnatural or even painful for you. Imagine being forced, as a child, to show affection in a way that is unnatural or even painful for you. Imagine being told, as a child, that your ways of expressing affection weren’t good enough. Imagine being taught, as a child, to associate physical affection with pain and coercion.

As a preschool special ed para, this is very important to me. All my kids have their own ways of showing affection that are just as meaningful to them as a hug or eye contact is to you or me. 

One gently squeezes my hand between both of his palms as he says “squish.” I reciprocate. When he looks like he’s feeling sad or lost, I ask if I can squish him, and he will show me where I can squish him. Sometimes it’s almost like a hug, but most of the time, it’s just a hand or an arm I press between my palms. Then he squishes my hand in return, says “squish,” and moves on. He will come ask for squishes now, when he recognizes that he needs them.

Another boy smiles and sticks his chin out at me, and if he’s really excited, he’ll lean his whole body toward me. The first time he finally won a game at circle time, he got so excited he even ran over and bumped chins with me. He now does it when he sees me outside of school too. I stick out my chin to acknowledge him, and he grins and runs over and I lean down for a chin bump.

Yet another child swings my hand really fast. At a time when another child would be seeking a hug, she stands beside me and holds my hand, and swings it back and forth, with a smile if I’m lucky. The look on her face when I initiate the hand swinging is priceless.

Another one bumps his hip against mine when he walks by in the hallway or on the playground, or when he gets up after I’m done working with him. No eye contact, no words, but he goes out of his way to “crash” into me, and I tell him that it’s good to see him. He now loves to crash into me when I’m least expecting it. He doesn’t want anything, really. Just a bump to say “Hi, I appreciate you’re here.” And when he’s upset and we have to take a break, I’ll bump him, ask if he needs to take a walk, and we just go wander for a bit and discuss whatever’s wrong, and he’s practically glued to my side. Then one more bump before we go back into the room to face the problem.

Moral of the story is, alternative affection is just as valid and vitally important as traditional affection. Reciprocating alternative affection is just as valid and vitally important as returning a hug. That is how you build connections with these children. 

This is so goddamn important.

I verbally express affection. A LOT.

My husband… doesn’t. I don’t know why. For the longest time part of me wondered if it meant he loved me less.

At some point I told him about a thing I had done as a kid. Holding hands, three squeezes means ‘I Love You’.

Suddenly he’s telling me I Love You all the time.

Holding my hand, obviously, but also randomly.

taptaptap

on my hand, my shoulder, my butt, my knee, whatever body part is closest to him, with whatever part of him is closest to me

All the time.

More often than I ever verbally said it.

It’s an ingrained signal now, I can tap three times on whatever part of him, and get three taps back in his sleep. Apparently I do the same.

It’s made a huge difference for us.

People say things differently.

Autism doesn’t equal intellectual disability, but intellectually disabled autistic people exist and they are just as important, human and as deserving of respect, autonomy and support as everyone else.

Autism doesn’t equal having a mental illness, but mentally ill autistic people exist and they are just as important, human and as deserving of respect, autonomy and support as everyone else.

Many autistic people are or will become capable of working, but autistic people who are unable to manage a job exist and they are just as important, human and as deserving of respect, autonomy and support as everyone else.

Many autistic people are or will become capable of living on their own, but  autistic people who will never be able to live on their own exist and they are just as important, human and as deserving of respect, autonomy and support as everyone else.

Autism doesn’t equal being unable to feel affective empathy, but autistic people who are unable to feel affective empathy exist and they are just as important, human and as deserving of respect, autonomy and support as everyone else.

Many autistic people are verbal, but non-verbal autistic people exist and they are just as important, human and as deserving of respect, autonomy and support as everyone else.

Should I believe my friend when they say they think they’re queer or disabled?

Yes.

There’s still a lot of stigma attached to both of those labels. There’s a good chance your friend is telling you because they’re fairly certain themselves but not totally certain. They’re looking for validation from you. They’re basically looking for you to react positively which will “give them permission” to continue to explore the idea. If you reacts negatively they’ll likely be thrown backwards in the process.

And the thing is of course that they’re probably right. as mentioned, there’s still a whole lot of stigma around those labels. Particularly the disability labels. Someone is not going to stick that onto themselves lightly. So, they’re very likely correct. Or at least on the right track.

Also, they know themselves far better than you know them. Even if you’ve known them forever there’s still things about them that you don’t know. So again, they’re likely correct.

And finally, what is the advantage in telling them they’re wrong? So you can maintain your idea of them? Because there isn’t really any other reasons. Unless of course they’ve got themselves worked up about something that obviously isn’t true. But ninety-nine times out of a hundred that’s not the case. So when people tell you things, believe them.

to put your mind at ease: people who ramble when they get nervous are in fact cute and lovely and charming, I would not change you

what about people who go ‘uh, well, um-’ when they’re nervous?

people who stumble & stutter & use speech fillers when they’re nervous? lovely and soothing to be around. i find your speech patterns reassuring, a reminder that we must be patient with each other. i would rather wait patiently for you to find your words, than be around someone who is smooth-spoken but judgmental

I’m in a Fiction and Poetry class this semester, and on the first day, we talked about how those filler words contribute to the natural rhythms of our speech patterns! We use them to keep the rhythm going, whether we’re consciously aware of it or not. So don’t be ashamed if you stutter or stumble–that’s just your natural rhythm, and it’s beautiful!

Someone: “Why do you get so heated while discussing lore of stuff? And why is it so detailed? Why do you have several thousand words devoted to this shit?”

Me: 

autism problem #1264

Having to inform literal adults that it’s not cool or funny to use autistic to mean stupid.

Them: What are you gonna do with all this collection merchandise when you eventually lose interest in this show?

Me: Bold of you to assume I'll ever lose interest!

hey fyi there are things i really like about my autism. most of the best things in my life and my favorite things about myself are very much related to my autism & my experiences as an autistic person. 

it’s just…more than 1 out of every 54 people is autistic. that number is going to go up as we get better at diagnosing it. there are tens of millions of us. we exist everywhere. autistic people are members of every community, and we’re not going away. being on the spectrum comes with a lot of struggles (many of which are preventable, the result of lack of social accommodation), but it shouldn’t just be seen as something in need of treatment. we’re not something in need of fixing. there are a lot of really good things this world wouldn’t have if it weren’t for the contributions of autistic people–contributions made because of, not in spite of, being on the spectrum. so please stop boogeymaning and othering us. acknowledge our disabilities & need for accommodation while also being aware of the positive things we bring into the world. 

talk about this more, please

read this post please. i’m not autistic and i’ve never really met anyone that’s autistic (in real life, that is) but please read this post.

statistically, you’ve almost certainly met someone on the spectrum. but the combination of social stigma and issues with diagnosis make many of us invisible to casual acquaintances. one big reason i’m a fan of autistic headcanons is that many creators create characters with autistic traits without having a name for it, and without realizing the real-life people who inspired these characters were probably on the spectrum.

as someone who didn’t have a word for it until adulthood, there are a number of people I encountered during my upbringing who looking back were probably also on the spectrum. there are simply so many of us. And we deserve to be seen.

I’m autistic and I know several other autistic people. There are more of us than you think, and we need people to acknowledge and accept us as part of society.

It’s funny (and, by “funny”, i mean “sad”) how NTs can actually hate us without actively recognizing it. They just… hate our autistic traits. But they don’t say it like that.

They’re saying “I can’t work with you because you’re too focused on your stuff and you don’t communicate well”.

They’re saying “I can’t handle you because you don’t understand what I’m saying to you and you’re too much in your little world”.

They’re talking about autistic coded characters and they’re dismissing them quickly, saying stuff like “He’s obnoxious, he’s eccentric, no one behaves like him IRL, he ruins the show” or “I can’t watch this tv show because this character is craaaazy and i hate the way he’s behaving” (for the first sentence, they were talking about Dirk Gently, and, for the second sentence, about Sherlock from the BBC tv show).

They’re praising you as soon as you’re wearing your “Neurotypical” mask and they complain when you’re too tired to put it on. They’re trying to make eye contact and to touch you, no matter how much you tell or show that it makes you uncomfortable.

I wonder if their reaction might change if I told them that I’m autistic. They would probably give me a pity look. I don’t think they would realize that, with or without the label, i’m still the same person and i’m still the woman they hate so much for being who she is : autistic.

Just a reminder that compassion is a choice whereas empathy is not!

Empathy: the ability to feel what another person is feeling or to immediately recognise when somebody is feeling a certain way.

Compassion: wanting to support or help somebody.

I’ve seen the word empathy being thrown around endlessly to describe somebody caring and it’s a little disheartening being equated to being a bad person for my low levels of empathy just because I don’t know how others are feeling or I can’t experience what they’re feeling. Autistic people can experience low empathy, mentally ill people can experience low empathy and it doesn’t make us bad or evil.

As it was requested (and these are the three things that I personally have) I made a Venn Diagram showing the overlap between ADHD, Autism, and Anxiety!

@maxens ADHD and Anxiety don’t have any overlap that doesn’t also intersect with Autism.

a reminder to autistics who have low empathy:

do not let people use this against you.

having low empathy does not, in any way, affect your ability to:

that’s all thank you for coming to my TED talk

Here’s to the disabled people who aren’t “inspiring warriors” who are doing incredible things “despite their disability.” Here’s to the disabled people who really struggle in school, the drop outs, the ones taking time off, the ones who can’t work, the ones who tried anyways and got fired or never got hired, the ones on welfare or permanent disability. We don’t have to conform to society’s demands in order to be valuable people - and we shouldn’t feel bad about having to prioritize our mental and physical health!

I wish more people got this because some ‘low-empathy’ people are the most compassionate and sympathetic in the universe, and I hate it when that’s taken to mean ‘unfeeling and probably hostile’ when nothing could be further from the truth

Or, as my dad put it,

Sympathy: I know how you feel Empathy: I feel how you feel Compassion: is there anything I can do to help?

Sympathy: that sucks bro empathy: I feel that compassion: want me to send you some puppy and kitten pictures to make you feel better?

Empathy is not the mark of a good person.

Compassion. The word you are looking for is compassion.

Now start fucking showing some and stop throwing ND people under the bus for no goddamn reason.

neurotypicals talk a lot about how autistic people aren’t “empathetic” bc we express empathy differently but. but then they turn around and refuse to empathize with experiences they don’t relate to? i don’t get it? 

i get called unempathetic for missing out on social cues, by the same people whose default attitudes include: “the music is hurting your ears? but it’s not that loud?” “you’re having trouble sitting still? but have you considered that what you’re doing looks weird?” “this thing bothers you? have you tried not being bothered by it???”