SxF Chap 29 ·Fear of chaos·

Warning: manga spoilers

Introduction: In chapter 29 of the manga, we are introduced to Anya doing a research task about a profession that interests them. The little girl, seeing that it was going to be somewhat complicated to interview her mother (a murderer with very crazy fantasies), decides to interview her father.

To be brief, the chapter revolves around Anya's interview with Loid regarding his fake job as a psychiatrist, although she writes details about his work as a spy. Basically, Twilight says that he chose this cover because he thinks it would be a good way to get close to a lot of targets, which he could get information about.

Psychiatrist

It is curious that Twilight is a psychiatrist, and to some extent, ironic.

If you have seen my previous analyses, I put a lot of emphasis on how Twilight suffers from many psychological and emotional wounds caused by the collateral effects of the war and a conflicted relationship with his missing fathers.

From his personal perspective, Twilight claims to have "forgotten and buried his own past", in a "voluntary" way. Since his spy profession requires him to abandon who he was. But, seeing his past, we know that this was a decision even before he was a spy. Twilight suffered enormous losses, to his mother, father and friends, falling into a vicious circle of hatred that led to nothing.

Each of these losses is directly caused by the war

Interestingly, when Loid explains why he "supposedly" decided to become a psychiatrist, it is to "help people, especially veterans who continue to suffer." Although the war is long over, there are people who carry consequences for their entire lives that take a long time to overcome.

This, somehow, is perfect for him.

Perhaps the loss of those closest to him, and the war itself ended long ago. But the damage to him has remained, and this is something that can be seen throughout the entire manga. Either directly or indirectly. Twilight has a tremendous fear of loss and chaos. Therefore, he prefers to close himself off from any idea of ​​becoming attached to another person, much less remember his past.

On more than one occasion, the way the series (Anya) refers to Loid's false profession, is that of "a doctor of feelings" |··Someone who helps heal other people's scars. Although he is, perhaps, one of the people with the most emotional wounds|

Something that also aroused my curiosity is if Twilight would like the profession of psychiatrist if he weren't a spy.

The subtle smile of this panel, and the way he compares the skills of spies to understand people through rational empathy, closely resembles the profession of a psychiatrist.

He himself says that the most difficult part of his job is that it be something "secondary". Although until now we have not seen Loid exercising his false profession. I wonder if at this point, he's starting to develop sympathy for his fake work and colleagues.

Taking into account that Twilight is good at analyzing people in a rational way, and knowing that he is a genius in every way. Perhaps it would not be strange if he became a psychiatrist or continued with this coverage in the future, if he decides to stay with the Forger Family

Panic to chaos

Loid (Twilight) asks Anya, in an attempt to distract her, to play with an sandbox and some dolls. We all know at this point that Anya had not the slightest interest and ended up in an adventure inside the exhaust ducts that her dad uses.

It seemed that Twilight really wanted to take advantage of this situation so he could see deeper into Anya's mind. Perhaps in an attempt to improve their relationship, and to be able to understand her

And what did he find?

Now the first time I saw this scene I can only laugh. You don't know how much fun it is for me to watch this man's panic attacks.

But examining the scene more carefully, I began to see that what happened here is a sign of the terror that Twilight keeps inside him.

To get started. Anya is not expressing anything with that sandbox, she only threw the toys to pretend that she was playing and not be discovered in her antics.

Yes, yes, Anya has also been through difficult things. But in this situation she was not expressing it. She shows her fears when she feels that she will be rejected because she is telepathic, or because she believes that her family will abandon her. She doesn't feel bad about being adopted, on the contrary, she is happy that Twilight, the best spy in the world is her dad, and wants to be with him forever.

However, Twilight. It seems, once again, to project itself onto Anya. His tendency to control everything leads him to think that if Anya (or Yor) feels bad, he thinks it's his fault. His fear of chaos, of facing situations that he does not know how to interpret, to not understand or interpret someone's emotions (his wife and daughter), or that he simply could not foresee would happen, scares him a lot.

Which produces in him large amounts of anxiety

Hence his overreactions, desperately seeking to understand, and jumping to hasty and laughable conclusions.

But obviously none of this is his fault. He is a great father and husband. And it's okay to care about them and their well-being (whether it's for the mission or not). The problem is Twilight's need for control, and how he berates himself or freaks out when there's something he doesn't know how to handle.

But... How not to be afraid of chaos?

When being just a kid had to see that? His own world destroyed!

It is here, when we understand Twilight's impulsive need that everything must work under an absolute, rational order. And his desire to be in control, even of his family's happiness, and to blame himself for things that are clearly not his fault.

Even though he is no longer a child, and he is a professional when it comes to dealing with dangerous situations. Facing situations where "being a spy" does not help him, the uncertainty and fear that he lived in the past make him feel exposed and vulnerable

Conclusion:

It's a great chapter, not only for showing us the false facet of Loid as a psychiatrist, while giving us so much information about him and his own traumas. Endo really knows how to tell us a tragic story in the funniest way. While we can understand a little more how Twilight's fears manifest themselves, even though many years have passed, and he thinks he has forgotten them.

I hope you enjoyed this review as much as I did. I plan to analyze other chapters of SXF. If you have any chapter that you would like me to analyze, you can let me know :D