recently when im tempted to say 'i'm gonna kill myself' i try to correct it into saying "im gonna walk into the river and become a trout" or some other form of that. this is my new thing

btw this has graduated into me just saying "the trout population will be affected" and then not elaborating

Major Ocelot you’re grounded grounded grounded grounded grounded grounded for 472629597227394 billion years. You will have no revolvers, no Ocelot Unit, no Philosopher’s Legacy, no Big Boss, and no arms for the rest of your life, and you will have to brainwash yourself to like children’s shows like The Backyardigans and The Wiggles. Go to your room now

Was trying not to cry laughing at radiology today

me on wikipedia at 3AM

Bro what

I am average American man, I give up dreams of astronaut and work fifteen hours in hog farm to buy one hamburger restaurant

"i danced with death" yeah well i slowly ran from him all frail and daintily in a cunt-honoring way

like this if you even care

nothing makes me feel more well adjusted than hearing about the problems that straight people in the periphery of my life are always having

my aunt's new guy broke into my ex uncle's garage and filled his bowling balls with caulk

Shocking how many people don’t know that hens lay non-fertilized eggs and think the yolk they’re eating is a baby chicken

once tried desperately to make my friend understand that yolks were not, like, a liquified potentiality of chicken, and she looked at me for a while and then said, "but they’re both yellow."

Behold

A chicken

Behold

A Man

it's not natural for candy to be $3.49. candy is supposed to be one dollar

candy should cost a nickel and we should all wear little propeller hats when we eat it

Spongebob is all about the different ways gay guys can have beef with each other

you can have them back when you learn to fucking respect them as the funky lil neutral guys they are

the fact that op turned off rbs is very very funny to me. anyway i want this post on my blog too.

:/

Literally

best addition