Hot ass man across the country: *hitting on me*

Me: my sister do be living *500 miles away from me* though... 👀 👀 👀

I dyed my hair blonde with @cjcosplay today and literally within 2 minutes of changing my grindr profile picture to blonde I get 16 notifications 😭 Y’all it’s 11pm on a Tuesday these dudes gotta chill I work tomorrow

Thoughts today on my first day back to college:

Is it safe to take Xanax with a shot of espresso?

Yeah I’m wearing rainbow sandals, a crop top sweater and jeans I haven’t washed in seven months

Would anyone notice if I had vodka in my Hydroflask?

Oh shit school’s in one hour and I didn’t get a parking permit

God dammit my phone is at 21%

Me: *walks into the kitchen to get myself a snack*

My mom, from the next room over,having thought about the fact that Ive been eating exclusively dairy and carbs and have had an upset stomach literally 24 hours a day every day both for the last two years and I told her yesterday that I’m almost positive I have a peanut allergy: “I think you might have an intolerance to dairy and grain...”

Me, carrying this out to my bedroom in the same breath as I‘m saying “yeah” to her:

Me:

My brain:

Me:

My brain:

Me:

My brain: mah shErbert. mah spOOn

Me pulling into Chick-fil-A on July 5th with a pride flag on my sunroof and one hanging out my trunk, as everyone in the parking lot and the staff gives me dirty looks except for the guy who takes my order who lowkey starts flirting:

Ever have days or moments when you’re just like

Ever see someone on Facebook who’s really attractive and and you say “message me” and then they message you, so then you go through all their posts to see what they’re actually like and you just

👀

There should be a song or a post or something that actually acknowledges the experience of:

*sees Mom pull up in front of the house*

*drops everything, puts juice back in the fridge and hides all alcohol*

*bolts down the stairs*

*throws phone in a a bag*

*cranks the shower on*

*texts her ‘hey what’s up?’”

*jumps in the shower and gently closes the door, now immersed in literally the one and only form of privacy I have ever known which is in the basement shower in my own house which I legally pay the Market rent for in an entirely different neighborhood than my parents*

*Mom enters house with her key*

*sinks down in shower, in a corner of the basement that I literally pay a landlord rent for*

Mom, texting, which is hard for her: I left some things for you that go in the dumpster! Wish you were home so Imyou could help me make my bed and some small things in the house* (continues non threateningly)

Me: *feels like an absolute asshole, but now I’m drunk so I can’t go over and help*

Me: FUCK

Paw Patrol fandom coming to check you bitch!

*starts barking*

When you *OOPS* drop the scene out the second-story bathroom window