“Wah! The jd trial was supposed to prove that men can be victims at the hands of women but now all these abusive men are coming out and suing their victims for some reason!” Not to be a cunt but the reason all these abusers are lawyering up is specifically because depp is an abuser and not a victim. They saw on live television that no matter how much evidence this woman had that she had been abused, a court still ruled that she was wrong for talking about it and decided she has to pay over double their divorce settlement. They saw a man just like them publicly humiliate his victim and get away with it. THATS why they’re filing lawsuits and that’s exactly what we said would happen.

A Nurturing Environment?

I frequently find myself at a loss when I discover the mindset that the Jedi Council, the Jedi Order, and even Obi-Wan provided a particularly good environment for Anakin to learn/grow up in. By comparing Anakin in TPM to AoTC, I believe it will become quite clear by the change in Anakin that the Temple provided an inadequate place for him to grow. 

In TPM Anakin is a very self-confident boy. He is aware of his capabilities and limitations, expresses his opinion firmly, and, as a rule, doesn’t allow his detractors to get him down, or put him down. To list some examples:

Clearly, Anakin is a very confident, and self-possessed individual. He states his opinions firmly, and defends them with conviction. Let’s compare that to AoTC Anakin:

There is a vast difference then between TPM!Anakin and AoTC!Anakin. The former defended his beliefs vehemently. The latter is afraid to even express them. Anakin only rants about Obi-Wan when Padme gives a hint of listening; it’s clear this has been pent-up in him for ages, but he hasn’t been able to let it out. Clearly, no one cares what he thinks or feels. When Padme shoots him down over security, he takes it meekly, but when she expressed doubt with him in TPM over his ability to win the Boonta, he just brushed it off, and told her “he’d win this time.” Before, in TPM, he said what he thought, now he just says “Master so-and-so thinks…” He feels uncomfortable saying what he really thinks. He honestly was more comfortable speaking up as a slave, than as a Jedi. Even just the body language difference can tell you that he’s gone from sure of himself to intensely insecure.

This is Anakin in TPM sticking up to his owner:

This is Anakin in AoTC, free, ostensibly, with his teacher:

It’s like chalk and cheese. One boy is sure of himself, the other looks brow-beaten. What could have caused such a massive shift in self-esteem? Well, a classic cause would be bullying. A child who is different, for whatever reason, gets humiliated, ostracized, beat-up, talked down to, and loses their self-confidence. I don’t doubt the same thing happened to Anakin. He was from the Outer Rim. He began his training late. He was different, unnaturally gifted. I’ve no doubt that was rough, and clearly he wasn’t given any kind of support to help with that, rather he was given the opposite. Hence, he is insecure. 

This is in no way his fault. He’s barely an adult by AoTC, and it is up to the adults responsible for him during his childhood to provide a safe environment, if not a safe haven, for him to grow up in. Clearly, the Jedi have failed to do this. Indeed, as shown when Obi-Wan says “don’t do anything without consulting either myself or the Council,” they clearly had no faith in him whatsoever, (after ten years), so why should he believe in himself? In RoTS, Windu actually says when Anakin tells him about Palpatine, “If what you say is true, you will have earned my trust.” In thirteen years, Anakin who has worked diligently, and loyally as a Jedi, and he’s never earned Windu’s trust or respect! That is cold. What was Anakin suppose to do anyway as a boy? Go back to Tatooine? Anakin really didn’t have much choice but to stay. At least, with the Jedi he would get a good education, and would learn how to use the Force. There was nothing for him on Tatooine. What good would he do? By staying with the Jedi, at least until he was knighted, he might be able to help when he finally goes back to Tatooine. He’ll have the Force, and an education that would serve him well. (Then, of course, the war started so that went out the air-lock…) No, the fault for Anakin’s low self-esteem lies entirely with the Jedi Order, Obi-Wan, and the Jedi Council. You cannot blame Anakin, especially since he was a child at the time. Frankly, the Council should be ashamed of themselves. If you adopt a child, and he wilts that much under your care, you need to take a good hard look at yourselves. 

i always thought this was bad writing but maybe it is abuse (via @paige-tic0)

I would have thought that it was bad writing too. However, the theme of the apathetic inadequacy of the Jedi is carried from TPM through to RoTS. In TPM, Mace Windu tests Anakin only as a formality, because “he’s too old.” When Qui-Gon insists that Anakin be tested, Windu just waves a hand and says “bring him before us then.” He’s pretty much done with it all. Unsurprisingly, the Council then rejects Anakin, (while talking about Anakin as if he wasn’t even there.) That’s not really the worst bit though, when Qui-Gon points out that Anakin has nowhere to go, they don’t express any concern for his well-being, his education, his future, even though he’s a freed slave with few options, and no money: He’s a child at their mercy. Even when this fact is pointed out to them they just say he’s Qui-Gon’s “ward” now to do with as he pleases, just don’t train him. How callous! I mean, would you do that to a poor boy with no prospects who needed your help desperately? 

By the time TPM ends, Anakin’s behaviour is already beginning to foreshadow what happens in AoTC. He’s picked up on all this and this is how he looks when he finds out Obi-Wan is going to be the one to train him:

This isn’t just grief from Qui-Gon’s death; Anakin’s expression, the above expression, comes as a direct result of Obi-Wan’s promise. Anakin’s grief is enhanced by his insecurity over his future. As I pointed out in my post The Team: Built on Weak Foundations, Anakin knew that Obi-Wan initially didn’t believe he should be trained, and was even jealous of him due to Qui-Gon’s actions in the Council room. Anakin had every reason to be afraid that things weren’t going to go well, and they didn’t. Yes, he and Obi-Wan became friends, which was nice, but he was never allowed to feel safe in his environment at the Temple, because of the Council’s apathy, even antipathy toward him which most of the other Jedi would have picked up on and followed like Lemmings. After all, why wouldn’t they do what the wise and noble Council does?  Hence, we get Anakin’s low self-esteem in AoTC.

By the time RoTS comes around, Anakin is doing a bit better. He has command of his own men. He’s no longer an apprentice. He’s gained confidence now that he’s needed as a General in the GAR, and he’s been acknowledged to be a really good one which also helps: He’s the Hero With no Fear. As a result, he pushes back a bit more, but the underlying timidity he has with the Council doesn’t quite go away:

While, Anakin starts to really express a lot of his deeply rooted anger that stems from way back in his childhood, both with the Jedi and from slaver, in RoTS, and the Council takes a lot of it, (ignoring Operation Knighthood), he still doesn’t get one of the things he desperately needs, and craves: Validation and respect. Anakin honestly just needs them to tell him he did a good job, and that they’re proud of him, but the Council can’t quite seem to manage it. He might get “arrogant.” (Oh, please. He wouldn’t be so keen to prove what he can do, if you’d just say “you did well, kid!) By the time RoTS comes around, Obi-Wan is the only one who ever really tells him he’s doing a good job, and therefore he is placed in the position of fielding between Anakin and the Council, as the relationship continues to break down. 

Nevertheless, despite his slowly regaining confidence, and the increasingly tense dynamic between Anakin and the Council, Anakin still doesn’t feel secure enough to just stand his ground, or even leave. This is a result of years of emotional abuse. Anakin was physically and emotionally abused as a child on Tatooine, and emotionally, and arguably, spiritually abused as a an apprentice to the Jedi. To be honest, I think this behaviour was mostly reserved for Anakin. The Jedi may not have been stellar in raising other members of their Order; they lost sight of what their Code really meant some time prior to the PT. However, they came down cruelly on Anakin, because he was different, and they were scared of what that meant. (Fear leads to the Dark Side, oh yes, but you helped him on his journey through your own fear.)

to make that funeral scene even worse: Anakin has to ASK what’s going to happen to him.

I mean, think about it. The kid is all alone on a strange planet, surrounded by people he hardly knows, and the ONE GUY who appeared to be in his corner is dead, and no one will tell him what’s going on, or what will happen to him. it’s been at LEAST two weeks - to allow for Padme to consolidate her hold on the planet well enough for the Supreme Chancellor to visit, him to be ELECTED, and to hold talks with  the Gungans as to how to include their voice in Naboo’s government from now on. Likely it’s longer. And in all that time, ALL that TIME, no one says ONE single WORD about what’s going to happen to Anakin going forward. 

He can’t go back to Tattooine. Padme isn’t offering him a place on Naboo, she likely thinks that he’s already part of the Jedi and wouldn’t be receptive to her offer even if she did consider it. 

Obi-wan has his head up his own ass and can’t be bothered to consider any feelings other than his own. He doesn’t get that with his new teaching gig, come responsibilities toward the well being (including emotional well being) of his charge. So he’s off in his own head during the funeral, and Anakin is forced to speak up. 

and Jake Loyd is perfect here. Anakin’s voice is *resigned* as he askes the question. you can tell that the anxieties have already burned themselves out, and there’s nothing left but resigned acceptance. there’s no use fighting what comes next, because there’s nothing left to fight. 

It’s only THEN that Obi-wan turns. Turns and tells Anakin that he has permission to train Anakin as a Jedi. Then he promises Anakin that he WILL be a Jedi, as if that makes it all alright. 

It doesn’t. 

Okay, so, just up my dash I saw a post by @furiousgoldfish listing signs that your family is abusive and I was just blown away by the sheer number of indicators seen in Anakin’s relationship with Obi-Wan and the Jedi. I’ve highlighted examples from the films and TCW.

signs that your family is abusive:

Now, I’m not saying that Obi-Wan and the Jedi set out to be abusive, but that was clearly the end result. What they set out to be was in control. Anakin was too old. He was too powerful. He was too dangerous. He needed to be contained. Obi-Wan says as much to Yoda and Mace in AotC. Yoda says as much to Anakin in TCW Deception Arc.

So what did they do? They isolated him from his family and friends. They criticized him constantly. They reminded him how unruly and disobedient and wrong he was. They taught him that he was wrong to ever want anything more.  The end result is that they took a confident, happy boy and turned him into an uncertain and unstable mess. I guess that made him easier to control. Palpatine certainly thought so.

It was confirmed in Obi-Wan and Anakin that he was bullied at the temple for being different and that not only did they ignore this but they made him apologize to his bullies whenever he retaliated. As someone who had this happen to them, I can tell you it absolutely torpedos any chance you have of standing up for yourself if you need to.

Like the Jedi Council had no idea how to deal with the trauma of being a former slave. It was Anakin’s choice to turn, it always was, but they infinitely worsened the process due to their clumsiness and prioritizing Anakin the weapon over Anakin the person.

No one says it, but Beru effectively saved the galaxy when she raised Luke as Luke before the chosen one or Anakin’s son or anything else. Anakin didn’t have someone like Beru to do that for him. Obi-Wan tried, but in the end he wasn’t good enough.

hey let’s stop reblogging and praising the independence day clothing line ie the clothing line designed for autistic children. after hearing a disturbing rumor about ID clothing i looked up some more about them and it’s true.

independence day clothing is designed with hidden gps trackers to enable parents to “keep tabs” on their autistic children

just look up “independence day clothing trackers” and you’ll find lots more sources about it. in case it isn’t obvious, the idea of parents tagging their kids against their will and often without their knowledge in order to track their every mood is disgusting and abusive and especially so with autistic kids and teens who are already more vulnerable to abuse.

multiple articles praise these gps enabled articles of clothing for having such discreet trackers for the specific purpose of keeping the wearer from pulling them out. this alone should be a huge red flag. the creator, an allistic parent of an autistic child, has made multiple statements on the tracker and all are absolutely disturbing.

as an autistic person and a sufferer of ableist parental abuse and manipulation, please please please do not support independence day clothing

when you go from a bad situation into a better one you may collapse exhausted and unsure what to do and full of grief, you may need time to regain the ability to do things as yourself or motivated by anything other than terror, you may need time to process or mourn or fall apart in ways you could not before,

and people may use this as proof that the old situation was better for you, proof that you need to go back, and it is not proof that it was better for you or proof that you need to go back

!!!

It’s so incredibly common to “fall apart” when you’re finally safe. You no longer need to stay so tightly coiled in on yourself, you can finally leave survival mode and process your trauma. You’re not holding yourself up by sheer terror anymore and suddenly the damage that terror has done to you becomes immediate and obvious. 

This is so important. Don’t go back. Things are already getting better, even if it doesn’t feel that way.

This is a documented phenomenon with abuse in particular. I’ve had a number of people ask me why they’re falling apart now after they’ve moved into a safer home, or they’re in a less dangerous area, or they’ve left an exploitative job, or they’re in a healthy relationship for the first time. Generally, it’s because they made that positive change. 

When we’re still in the midst of crisis, we’re often too overloaded and physically/emotionally unsafe to really feel or process anything. So for most of us, everything gets pushed down/repressed/dissociated until later, when we’re safe and supported. The threshold of safety at which processing begins to occur varies from person to person. And the mental calculations used to determine “safety” usually happen on an unconscious level. Very few of us have the conscious thought “I’m safe now, so I can process what happened to me.” Instead, the subconscious realizes some level of safety has been achieved, and so it just dumps a load of suppressed stuff. 

Sometimes, it’s contrast to past experiences that makes us realize something was traumatic at all. In such cases, it’s not that we’ve reached a level of safety and can thus begin to process, it’s that we finally have a basis for comparison to know that what went before was unacceptable. 

After a year working in a women’s shelter I think my biggest issue with the anti-domestic violence movement as it stands is: All these models and programs are kind of built around the assumption that everyone involved knows how to have happy, healthy, respectful relationships, and resolve conflicts peacefully, and they just… choose not to, for some weird reason.

Whereas my lived experience was that healthy relationships, problem-solving, and conflict management are skills that a lot of people never learn during critical developmental periods in childhood, and if we want to solve the problem, we have to get involved in the intensive work to teaching them to adults.

And in my opinion, this view doesn’t let abusers off the hook. It’s the opposite.

We used to assume that abusers could behave decently if they wanted, but just chose not to, so if we yelled at them enough, or if they just wanted to hard enough, they would. (Or at least, that’s what abuser intervention looked like under the Duluth model)

Whereas… at the shelter, I more than once found myself saying, “I don’t think he’s actually capable of being the man you want him to be. And if he decided tomorrow that he was going to change, it would take years. You can’t make your decisions for your immediate future based on what might happen when your baby is in grade school. You have to go off what he’s like now.”

When someone tells me that the person hurting to doesn’t mean to hurt them, they just can’t help it, that… is even more of a reason for them to cut the connection, in my opinion. Because if they’re doing it involuntarily, they don’t know what it is or how to stop.

Putting these up for anyone who needs them today.

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward

Why Does he DO That: Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

Cannot recommend WDHDT highly enough. I’ve found it helpful not just for romantic relationships, but also for growing up w a “unexplainable/uncontrollable” dad.

IT HAS ALSO BEEN REALLY HELPFUL FOR UNDERSTANDING ONLINE MOB HARASSMENT.

So if you’ve ever been bombarded w threats to be raped/killed, (so…if you’re a minority and you’ve been on the Internet for a while), this book might be useful for getting clarity around the whole entitled, abusive mindset that drives certain kinds of people to behave that way. And by “getting clarity”, I mean (for me) being able to go “oh, that’s what’s happening” and not really feel scared anymore. Or angry, or drawn out into it, or anything.

And if you’re still standing around going “but how does something like GamerGate happen?” or “but why do men hit their wives?” or whatever – please read that book and learn something.

^^^^ truth WDHDT is fantastic at cutting down MRA bullshit and calling it what it really is

Also recommending

Please consider reading these. WDHDT is really, really helpful. And I know some of you are struggling with abusive relationships, friendships, families, etc. You’re not alone. There is help.

There’s also a really good group on Facebook called “Narcissistic Parent Answers” that I would recommend. They makes posts about how to stay safe, and also explain narcissistic behaviors (which has made me go “holy shit that’s what that was” multiple times) and helps reassure the victim that it isn’t their fault.

If fellow abuse survivors could stop acting like shipping abusive ships is okay, that would be great.

No but really, like 

It’s not a healthy coping mechanism to re-live your abuse via abusive ships. It’s not okay for you to talk over others who are bothered and hurt by abusive ships. 

You aren’t the Magical and Almighty Survivor who can say it’s not bad to ship abuse. You don’t get that privilege because 80% of the abuse survivors you fucking talk over disagree with you. 

Stop defending abusive ships. Stop allowing people to glamorize abuse. It’s never, ever going to be okay. 

And before any of you come at me with “Oh, but just because they write it doesn’t mean they condone it!” no, fuck that. If you’re in a fandom, and you ship an abusive ship, you condone that ship automatically. There’s no way around it.

So fucking stop. Stop it. Stop letting abuse be trivialized. Fandoms shouldn’t be safe for abusers.

Ok but barn mates was literally the worst ever like i never thought su could have another bad episode other than say uncle (which was just a joke but i digress)

like literally the whole focus and moral of the episode was that you shouldnt take abuse survivors seriously if you dont know their story because obviously your viewpoint on someone who traumatized them is much more important than their feelings i guess

like who cares that lapis was abused and that peridot had a hand in that because shes just “being difficult” and “mean” and “needs to forgive peridot”

like uhh okay this was a terrible episode and what’s even worse is that la-pi-dot shippers are latching onto it as if its some huge shipping fuel

like sure fine you wanna gloss over lapis’ feelings as an abuse survivor for your shitty ship fine but just remember how horrible of an episode this was for abuse survivors

HONESTLY. this is how i feel too. like, i like watching reaction videos and i watched a bunch for ‘Barn Mates’ and… everyone called lapis a b*tch and ‘aaaw’ed over peridot, and only one person even used the word ‘abuse’. everyone totally excused peridots actions because she got a redemption arc, but GUESS WHAT, lapis wasnt there for any of that. you cant expect her to see how peri changed. and even tho peri changed for the better, that still dosent mean shes entitled to lapis’s forgiveness. victims do not need to forgive their abusers. as an abuse victim, this fucked me up. 

wowww 

cursedtruth:

reasons many autistic people are/seem to be traumatized

NOT reasons many autistic people are/seem to be traumatized

People will tell you that emotional abuse isn’t real and what you’re dealing with isn’t that big a deal and you’re just exaggerating, but let me tell you something.

If you’ve ever been wary of everyone you know, even people you trust, because you’re expecting them to get angry with you over literally anything, make fun of you, or start making threats, something’s wrong.

If you’ve ever had to plan things in anticipation of a potential tantrum that you fear will be taken out on you, something’s wrong.

If you succumb to someone’s demands because you’re never sure if their threats are empty or legit and you just want to play it on the safe side, something’s wrong.

If you find yourself jumping at smaller noises in anticipation that they’re a warning sign for a tantrum, something’s wrong.

If you hide things - especially things that make you happy - because you’re so afraid that they’ll make fun of you for liking them, scold you for liking something they don’t, take them away, destroy them, or that they’ll defile them and ruin that love you have for them, something’s wrong.

If you find yourself being silent in the face of mild disagreements or thinly-veiled insults, rather than standing up for yourself because you just don’t want to start an argument and make things worse, something’s wrong.

If that very lack of standing up for yourself eventually leads to you never offering your opinion in any sort of discussion out of fear of ridicule or being scolded because that’s what you’re so used to, something’s wrong.

If you end up spending a lot of your time in your room keeping to yourself and keeping any trip outside of your room to an absolute minimum because you don’t want to risk putting one toe out of line and setting off a tantrum, yet you’re also aware that hiding out will also cause an issue and you’re probably just minimizing the risk instead of erasing it entirely, something’s wrong.

If you ever habitually glance outside the window to keep watch for your supposed abuser’s car to return from their work, errand or trip, and then heading to your room or other hiding place to keep out of their way, erasing any obvious signs that you’ve been out and about in the rest of your living space, something’s wrong.

If one of your greatest fantasies involves not a dream career or winning the lottery but instead an escape plan succeeding, something’s wrong.

If you could basically summarize your life as living in constant, subtle fear, Something. Is. Wrong.

Emotional abuse is very, very real, and it has lasting consequences that can affect people’s relationships, their jobs, and their lives all-around.

Don’t you dare tell me it isn’t real.

Lundy Bancroft at EADV event speaks on “Domestic Violence in Popular Culture”. Department of Revenue, Boston, MA December 15, 2010

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft [PDF]

Kids who sought out sexual/romantic interactions with adults…

… still did not deserve the abuse they suffered.

Kids who initiate flirtation with adults still don’t deserve abuse.

Adults who aren’t abusers will not take advantage of a kid’s crush or advances. It’s the adult’s responsibility to set clear boundaries and enforce them. It’s an adult’s responsibility to not become sexually or romantically involved with a child. Adults who do are abusers.

Children did not cause those adults to become abusers. Children cannot tempt nonabusers into becoming abusers. Children are never responsible for adults deciding to abuse.

Even if you feel like you made it really easy for them to abuse you, being vulnerable to abuse around a nonabuser doesn’t result in abuse. Your vulnerability wasn’t the cause of the abuse. Their choices were.

It’s not your fault, it was never your fault.

privately engaging in whatever coping mechanisms you’d like as long as you aren’t actively harming others in the process: cool whatever

publicly ridiculing people who are uncomfortable with your coping mechanisms and don’t want to be exposed to them in any kind of public setting: bad

comparing those who are uncomfortable to puritanical christians and the institutional abuse of children: horrendous

Reminder that abusers often call their victims “abusive.”  That stalkers often claim their targets won’t leave them alone. That “stop gaslighting me” can be a form of gaslighting.

Which isn’t to say you should mistrust or ignore these statements—God no!—only that it’s important to remember that bad people can know all the right words.

(Although sometimes the truth comes to be quite clear once you let them talk for a bit about what actual behavior is bothering them.  Case in point.)

Bolded the most important part.

Go by how people act, not by what they say.

The easiest, and obvious red flag is about power and access differences - so often you have these people with way more power claiming they’re somehow being victimized by people without it or barely any at all.

The second red flag is if they’re using all the words about being oppressed while simultaneously calling upon the kyriarchy as their mode of defense - such as white women tears to call down white male violence on POC…

Why people get trapped by Emotional Abusers & Why it’s not their fault

(these imply to platonic and romantic relationships)

1. Attachment

The Emotional Abuser gives you attention: they make you feel flattered, loved and important. You start to believe that they genuinely care about you. They might even think that they do by themselves since they internally justify all their doings. Normally this kind of attachment would lead to a healthy bonding and a closer relationship. With the Emotional Abuser it leads to some levels of addiction and dependency on the victim’s part which is never their fault. Emotional Abusers’ behaviour exploits normal emotional bonding to another human being.

2. Guilt

In some point in the relationship you notice that it’s all about their needs. The Abuser might do something that hurts your feelings and bringing it up leads them to reason why it’s actually your fault and why you have to take responsibility for it. They make up convincing excuses why it’s not their job to do it, why it’s absolutely unreasonable of you to ask for it and so on. In other words: they Guilt-trip you. The Emotional Abuser believes they have no responsibility for their behaviour or feelings. If they feel uncomfortable by something in the relationship they will manipulate you to take the blame instead of trying to work things out. Guilt-tripping makes the victim submit and erodes their sense of emotional and physical boundaries since they are made to believe it’s their job to cater on Abuser’s needs.

3. Cognitive dissonance

After the idealization pace the Emotional Abuser will move to a devaluing pace. Catering to their needs is not enough anymore and you feel you can’t do anything right no matter what you do. The pace starts when the Abuser feels you are getting emotionally too close and/or you are trying to hold them accountable for something they have done. Emotional Abusers are afraid of responsibility and in some cases intimacy so they will try to push you away. They use manipulation: Gaslighting and Guilt-tripping to force you into silence and to take all the responsibility for the relationship. They give you Silent Treatment which is justified by some clever excuses. Emotional Abusers believe they are entitled to absolute emotional comfort even when it means abusing other people.

Because you remember how well they used to treat you, your mind has a hard time accepting they are not the person you thought they were. In fact you might start to make excuses for them in your head because they have manipulated you to think nothing is their fault. It is extremely difficult to get away from the Abuser’s emotional trap because they take advantage of the victim’s emotional bonding to them and give false hope that the relationship could be “fixed”. You are misled into thinking that if you just learn not to be so “needy” and “selfish”, the Abuser will reward you with the loving behaviour they demonstrated in the beginning.

Aftermath

The Emotional Abuser has no intention to take responsibility for what their abusive behaviour has caused to you because they have normalized and justified it in their head. Not all of the Abusers are so sure of themselves but need a lot of internal convincing and validation from others so that they can feel good about themselves which is their goal: not having to deal with responsibility or emotional labour. After all Emotional Abusers are not Disney villains but people who are so selfish that they lack of motivation to learn how to not hurt people.

There are two ways how the trap can break: the victim quits all contact with the Abuser or the Abuser leaves the victim. The latter one occurs if the Emotional Abuser feels they have to deal with too much because of the victim. The Abuser might feel threatened by the victim if the victim is making the Abuser feel bad about themself by calling out their abusive behaviour. The Emotional Abuser thinks that they are actually the victim in the relationship because the real Victim is making them feel bad and scared. The Abuser is genuinely afraid that they would have to deal with negative emotions that taking responsibility would require.

In the end the Emotional Abuser ends the relationship with some dramatic note in which they project all their feelings into the victim: you are the abuser, you have harmed them, you have threatened them. This is their way of securing their own emotional well-being as they refuse to acknowledge the reality. Just remember that it was NOT your fault and you are not responsible for their horrible behaviour. While mutually harmful relationships can exist abusive relationships are based on a power imbalance and therefore there is no such a thing as “mutually abusive”. You are nothing like your abuser.