This is the danger with loving both the character and the actor. My heart is breaking doubly today.
I’m grieving for Cory, who made me smile and always reminded me to never give up on myself and on finding a path to my passions and happiness. And who was goofy but serious in a way that always feels so familiar and hopeful and promising. And I’m grieving for Finn, who made me smile and who was scared of the future and whether he’d be good enough, who was terrified he’d never find a path he could follow that he’d want to follow in a way that let me see myself on my tv, trying, always trying. And just the day before yesterday, after I completed a hard step that is a foundation for more hard steps on the road to improving my path, I thought to myself, “Maybe this will be your season, as well as Finn’s season. Maybe you’ll be in a place where you and Finn can both find what you want to do and how to be happy. Maybe you’ll be able to do this together.”
I made this post a year ago tomorrow. I woke up that morning in the guest room of my grandparents’ house, checked tumblr on my phone, and I sobbed. I snuck out the front door in my pjs to sneak around the back of the house to sit on my grandma’s butterfly bench and sob and wail on the phone to my mom—mourning and terrified that I’d never find what I was looking for—that I’d never be qualified to do anything.
Anyway, my point is: today was hard, tomorrow is going to be hard too. But you know what? Tomorrow is day one of my raise taking effect at my full time job, which I’ve had for over three months now and which I’ll continue having through at least December. And I’m thinking about school again.
And all of this still terrifies me. And I can’t do it with Finn the way I imagined, but he’s still with me. And so is Cory. And I don’t have much more of a clue than I did a year ago as to what I want to do long term. But I’m happy. And I’m still looking. And it’s still hard. And we’re going to do this.
Together.
Another year.
A good year. I have a different job in the same organization. I got another raise. And I’m less than a month away from my last day because I’m going back to school in the fall. Im going to finish my BA. There are good days and bad days, but things are happening. I’m making things happen. I’m still trying.
I’m still trying.
I’m trying to sort out housing–that’s a hard thing. I looked at apartment on Finn Street yesterday. The apartment is not a good fit apartment-wise. And I’m relieved but also not. Because I think living on Finn Street might still be too sad for me. But then again, I’d get to finish undergrad with Finn. But where I live can’t just be sentimental. So I think I’ll plan on remembering there is a Finn Street in this town. And I’ll walk it when I need to.
Anyway. Finn and Cory are still with me. No matter where I live.
I love you, buddy.
Another year.
My old job pretty heavily recruited me to come back to an even better position within the organization and let me set my own start date so I could make this road trip dream of mine happen.
I graduated.
I thought about Finn a lot that day. I thought about Cory and Finn a lot this year. I spent a lot of this past year thinking, "We're doing this." Not, "I'm doing this." And some of that's because my parents made it very clear that me graduating was family goal number one this year and they were willing to help however and whenever and always to make that happen. And some of that's because my friends are incredibly supportive. But some of it is also because I keep carrying Finn with me as I figure out, little by little, what I want in my life. As I try to make it all happen.
Thank you Cory, for giving us your Finn.
Love you both.
