my birthday was yesterday, Im on nights so i worked the night before and the night of and honestly iv never been one for birthdays. I mostly spent they day sleeping before my shift and reflecting and journaling. In my reflections I looked through the picture from my previous birthday and just though about how much had changed since that time. It wasn't shortly after that when things escalated and ended. If we were still together we would be starting our family, that was our plan anyway. Looking at where I am now, I cant see myself being a mother. I'm at a point in my healing where I have to remind myself why I even liked him, I'm starting to forger what he looks like. One year ago on my birthday i knew in my heart of hearts that I couldn't spend another birthday with him, I just wasn't ready to leave yet. I am just so extremely grateful for everything thats happened over the past year wallah. I look back at the person that I was and i don't know her. It's just really hard sharing this and talking about this because people that cant relate they can empathize but then do not get. This shit changes your DNA like, I will never be the same person I was before, never. But I don't think I want to be that girl anymore.

i went to one of my best friends weddings this weekend. It was my first time going to a non muslim wedding actually and I was in the bridal party. The ceremony was truly beautiful and when she walked down the aisle and they read their vows to each other i lost it, like i was not expecting to get that emotional. Iv known her and her fiance for about 6 years now and i remember when i first met them and they were so young. Hearing their vows to each other gave me a little bit of renewed hope in humanity because they truly are so good to each other mashallah. And on top of that it was Black love and on top of that both of their parents were there together and you could just feel the support and love in the room. I really do wish them the best. I just feel like my heart has been pretty hard and guarded lately and i felt it soften in that moment when I saw them together. It felt terrifying and nice at the same time. Nice because it means that slowly but surely this healing thing is happening and terrifying because it makes me feel vulnerable to even consider ever letting anyone back in.

In light of the fact that I’m almost never not wearing scrubs and I was dressed up for my friends wedding this weekend, here’s an updated pic of me that can live on my blog for the next 10 years.

Went to Jummuah for the first time in months today

So someone recently made a comment to me about how they met my ex at work and something about how he presented himself “you’d never imagine”. Well…obviously they don’t come with a fucking warning label! He’s very normal and charming on the outside girly. anyway. I just remember like he would mention me at work all the time. To the point where his boss would see me at work events and would would make it a point to come up to me and tell me “Ali loves you so much, he’s always talking about how proud he is of you and you can just tell how much he loves you”. Which was always so wild to me because it was all a facade, like it was all for show at work. Cuz obviously no one knew that he actually treated me like shit when no one was around.

You know what it reminded me of? Idk if yall remember that YouTube group the try guys. It was like 4 guys who did different bits on YouTube and stuff like that. They started on buzzfeed and there was this one guy on there and his whole thing was he’d always bring up his wife. Like that was his trope, every video his gimmick was the happy go lucky dad who was obsessed with his wife and it was like “omg so cute he loves his wife”. He was fucking cheating on her! Like it was a whole scandal! Listen. If it seems too perfect…or performative…it probably is.

The thing about working in the emergency department is that a lot of my patients die, and i have to give bad news quite a lot so its not unexpected to know that a patient had a bad outcome. Occasionally though it does come as a surprise. There was a patient that i saw this past thursday and when i came back monday to sign his chart i found out that he had passed over the weekend, he just decompensated soooo quickly and thats when you start asking yourself all these questions like.. "if he hadnt come into the hospital would he have lived?. because he was literally fine before he got to the ED.. his complaint was weakness and chills and he was fine when i saw him.. granted his trop was 1900 and he did go into flash pulmonary edema but maybe he could have died at home instead of at the hospital. IDK it just made my heart hurt because he was so sweet when i met him. Anyway some just really stick with you. In other news I went home this weekend and saw all the aunties and it was their first time seeing me since everything and since the divorce and I could FEEL all the stares and pity but I think they could genuinely tell that I'm better and happier because i actually am better and happier alhamdulillah. I just feel like myself again finally, When i was at home all the girls i grew with were at my moms house for a get together and we were just reminiscing about when we were younger and everything just seemed so much simpler ugh omg. we are foreal foreal grown up and trying to just figure life out.

ameen ya rab

i'm at the point that whenever i hear that someone has gotten married, i pray for their safety rather than their happiness