i was so fucking sceptical of TENs machines. The research was "it seems to work for some people but not others and fuck if we know why"

So I was sceptical that an electric current under my skin would affect my pain in any meaningful way but I was also fucking desperate for relief of any kind

So I was surprised when it seemed to help a bit for my shoulder. Then today I wanted to go out but my pain is really bad. Particularly my hip pain on my left side was making it difficult

So I thought I would try it despite the guide indicating a placement for my back pain which seemed counter intuitive

But fuck me if it isn't working

I can't feel any pain in my hip. I can walk (with aids) a little bit when previously it was

This is witchcraft

I will stress however that this is a very much mileage may vary situation. I took a 30quid gamble that I could afford and am lucky it paid off

For me the benefits are:

But please be aware there are also limitations:

So while I'm really happy about this please remember to do your own research and talk to your own health professionals before buying something like this

One thing that makes me trust people less is if they know I'm disabled or I mention it and then they talk about their job and make a point of saying "I don't have a choice"

As in they don't have a choice except to work a job they hate that's making them miserable. And they always say it pointedly.

And I'm not going to say they do have a choice but there is always an implication that I have a choice and I'm choosing not to work because I'm exaggerating or something

I don't have a choice

I can't work

I haven't had a choice for years and years

And it something that eats away at me

I managed to get my degree while being disabled but that was distance learning and I could do it on my own schedule and around my flares and even then I had to take breaks of entire years because of the affect it had on my health

Yeah I don't do a lot day to day. I work on crafts and play games and watch videos

If I'm feeling particularly well I might manage to wash a few plates or cook myself something simple for lunch

But I don't do a whole heck of a lot and I hate it. My dream is to be able to clean the house and do all the chores my husband has to do so he doesn't have to.

If I have a job that I could go to and earn money to help the household I absolutely would in a heart beat

But I can't

It's not a choice to not work

It's because I physically can't. I am in constant severe pain. I am permanently exhausted. Standing for more than 30 secs has me in such pain I feel like throwing up

It's a victory if I can get downstairs

And even without my physical disabilities my mental health is so tenuous that I really can't work without making my mental health so severe it's a huge issue

We've had some lucky breaks so we've managed to keep our head above water but it is an uneasy position. But even if things got bad I still wouldn't be able to work

And it's so insulting to have people suggest I just don't want to work and I'm lazy or "malingering" when I have laid in bed in agony and cried because I can't do anything.

I want to do things so badly!

And to have that taken away more and more every year is an immense source of pain for me and then people act as if I'm just being lazy and it fucking hurts

I was wondering why my health is getting worse even though my arthritis is fairly stabilised and my fibromyalgia is "non degenerative"

And I realise that even though it's "not degenerative" meaning it doesn't continuously make me increasingly ill directly....being in constant pain is a huge stress on the body

Especially as I can't take painkillers that actually relieve my daily pain

I live at a 7 on the pain chart

A good day, one where the painkillers I can take actually work and I have hydrotherapy, I only drop to a 5.

I cannot remember the last time I was pain free

Of course my health gets run down over time because my body is under constant stress from constant unending pain

So I have decided to be a little kinder to myself

Me: *can't stand for longer then 20 seconds unsupported without feeling like in going to throw up from pain, can barely walk, live at a 7 on the pain scale, literally cannot get out of bed most days, had to take a nap today because showering was too much even though I have a stool to help me. Has been given disability benefits from the government on the first attempt and also has been deemed low capacity for work and work like activity by the government*

Also me: I dunno. I feel bad taking a space at the hydrotherapy pool. That it should go to people who are properly disabled

-

WHY AM I LIKE THIS

Reminder (for myself and anyone who needs it)

I am not "giving in to my disabilities" by asking for help

I am not "being demanding" for asking for accommodation

I am not "giving up" by using mobility devices or not working

I am not "letting myself get worse" by recieving aid, like benefits, that I need

I am not "being defeatist" by acknowledging what I can't do

It is not "sad" that I use assistive equipment

It's not "cringe" that I need support to do basic care tasks

And btw just because you can force yourself to do something on occasion while experiencing immense pain doesn't mean you can do it.

Accepting your limits isn't being a defeatist or a failure

It means a you love yourself enough to stop hurting yourself for other people's approval

I have so many mental illnesses and physical disabilities that I'm just going to start saying that I'm cursed

"oh I'm sorry I can't come today because The Curse is acting up."

Me at Physio: oh right. So yeah this pain and stiffness that I didn't mention last time and seems entirely normal to me probably isn't huh?

Physio: ....no. no it's not. Here's some very gentle starter stretches to fix that

Did you know that if you have a vagina and take methotrexate, a medication used for including rheumatoid arthritis, that it can cause reoccurant thrush?

Meaning yeast infections that keep coming back after being treated?

Do you know how to treat reoccurant thrush?

Pessaries

Medication shoved up your vagina

Every day

FOR SEVEN DAYS

And then once a week

FOR 3 TO 6 MONTHS

CAUSE I SURE AS FUCK DIDN'T

NO ONE THOUGHT TO INFORM ME OF THAT WHEN I SIGNED UP FOR THIS MEDICATION

My life is a rigged resource management game that I can never win and is weighted against me

And whenever I have to do a Task a timer kicks in. Only I can't see the timer until it's in the red and screaming at me and punishing me for not doing it faster

And anytime the Task involves being on my feet and moving the timer is immediately in the red

That's what it's like to be disabled with chronic pain

So people make these temperature blamket where they crochet a row a day of the average temp

Okay but what if I do that but it's either my average mood score or my average pain score?

In fact;

Advantage to Mood: more varied, fun way to show my doctor how I'm doing with my mental health, fun way to track if I'm in a breakdown and at least I have something to do when I'm depressed. I can use rainbow yarn for manic episodes

Advantage to Pain: I probably only have to buy 5 colours as I am almost never below a 6. Colour scheme will probably be prettier, good way to show off how in pain I am and I will have a blanket at the end of the year that i can snuggle under when in pain

I am in constant extreme pain

The pain medication I take is not best suited for my pain and is rather ineffective

The best painkillers to address my pain would be anti-inflammatories

I cannot take anti-inflammatories because I am taking blood thinners

I am taking blood thinners because I had a Pulmonary embolism and they are (understandably) concerned about me having more blood clots

They are so concerned about blood clots because I am very sedentary

I am very sedentary because moving is so extremely painful

The pain medication I take is not best suited for my pain and is rather ineffective

What kind of ancient Greek Tartarus style torture punishment is this bullshit!?

I just stabbed myself with my methotrexate for the first time and even though it was subcutaneous and I didn't even really see the needle I feel kinda weird

It hurt both less and more than I expected and bled more then I expected. Not a lot but just a little more

And idk I just feel weird about the whole thing