If you're trying to unfuck your life in anyway there is a stage where it's "everything seems worse now I started this and everyone is miserable because of it" and it's easy to give up then because you are exhausted

but if you push through you get to the "it still looks worse but I actually see the progress I've made and I feel motivated to keep going" stage which is still exhausting but you have a goal in sight

And then you can get to the part where you life isn't perfect but it is unfucked up

It just requires you to get through the part where it sucks

Hey I realised today that almost all my friends when I was in my late teens and early twenties, and me, were certain they going to die before the age of 25 and that it would be good because we were the problem

Every last one of us are now 40+ and have since decided to take the fact we're still alive and make it everyone else's problem

You're going to do better when you take the labels "healthy", "good", "negative", and "unhealthy" and put them far far away in general but from coping mechanisms and emotions in particular

It was truly life changing for me when a therapist told me this:

"A coping mechanism is a method you use to survive and if it keeps you alive it's doing its job. It's only a problem when you apply it to situations it's not meant for. You need to learn how to put it back in your bag of tools and pull out the appropriate coping mechanism for the situation. And if your situation changes back to one where your old coping mechanism still works you can go back to it."

Your coping mechanism isn't "negative" or "unhealthy". You're just trying to take a hammer to a situation you need a screwdriver for

It's about using the appropriate tool for the situation but the goal is always the same: survive

In a similar note you don't have "negative" or "bad" emotions

You just have emotions

And you're not a monster for feeling a certain way.

You are responsible for your actions but even then an actions ability to do help or harm depends on your situation

Is it manipulative to burst into tears and go on a rant about how you're the worst person alive when someone corrects you?

Depends!

Is the person asking just a friend, coworker, etc asking for something completely reasonable?

Then yeah that's not a good look

Is the person someone who will scream and yell and insult and maybe even hit you until you have shown what they consider to be the 'proper' amount of remorse and debasement?

Then no it's not manipulative, it's a survival tool

I know the internet hates nuance but seriously. Having certain coping mechanisms or feelings or having done certain actions does not make you a monster

But it is important to learn how to find the correct tool to a situation.

If you try to use a hacksaw to attach bookshelf to a wall it's going to go pretty badly and cause a fair amount of damage in the process

But don't beat yourself up for owning a hacksaw. At one point you needed it and at least it's there if you need it again

You ever watch something and I think "I would like to have a picnic with that person. I would like to share homemade food and make flower crowns while we talked about life"

You ever just feel a desire to lay on your back in a field and watch the clouds with someone?

Like not romantically just as friends who are having a chill time

You know what I mean?

I hate that people are still embarrassed by liking things that don't affect anyone else

Have plushies!

Draw pictures of your favourite anime characters!

Do your hobbies openly!

Wear your niche tee shirt!

Allow yourself to feel joy!

We're only given so long on this planet so why spend it embarrassed by harmless shit that you just enjoy!?

Yes even if it's stupid or junk objectively who cares!

It's fine to enjoy things because they make you happy!

Not everything has to be high art to be appreciated by someone!

Take your joy where you can and let other people take their joy where they can cause we're all just trying to get by day by day on this fucking planet

Let go of this notion that growing up means having to give up your harmless pastimes that make you happy!

Fuck!

Trying to understand yourself in your teen years:

Trying to understand yourself in your twenties:

Trying to understand yourself in your thirties:

Back when Britney Spears hit the world I was 15 and pretended to hate her so people would think I was "cool" at 33 I've downloaded all her music and admit it's fun and that I enjoy it.

I wish I hadn’t spent so much time pretending not to like her and other things that made me happy in a vain attempt to seem “cool” 

Thanks Brain

One of the lesser known problems of being open about your mental health problems is that other people can't differentiate between: "I'm terrible at x and I'm saying that because of my mental health problems" And "I am terrible at x because I am actually terrible at x. For the love of god don't give me that task. Everything will be fucked and all will cry. People might die" And that's why I have to explain to people repeatedly that I don't drive not because I'm too anxious/depressed to try but because I have no sense of direction and can't judge distances and crash into things while walking because I'm distracted. I am not be trusted behind the wheel.

TMI whinge

Okay so I'm visiting my parents and we're here for just over two weeks which is nice because I was last in the same country with them like 5 years ago. We've been in the country for a week and I realised a major drawback in being on holiday with my kid for two whole weeks away from home and worse AT MY PARENTS. Which is I have no way of getting off. I can't have sex with my husband cause we're sharing a room with my kid and parents house and I can't masturbate for the above reasons. Husband sn't too bothered because he doesn't have an insane libido like me. I am not bragging btw, strong libido's aren't special shit. In fact it is Not Fun 90% of the time. You know descriptions in a/b/o fics of what heat is like? I fucking RELATE TO THAT SHIT that is very much Not Fun TM and hurts. I have almost caused myself physical harm. It is awful. Anyway I've never gone this long without getting off SOMEHOW and I've got nearly another whole week to go. My body and mind already hate me for this. KILL ME

I am irrationally angry that my English husband didn't know what a Denny's was

Does anyone else just suddenly realise your face is all wet and you're like "oh I'm crying" and you proceed to cry rivers of tears but without sobbing or emotions and it's just vaguely distracting for like 10 minutes or so and then it's done? No? Just me?

Joys of Chronic Pain and being over 30

Good news: I got laid last night and it was really really good! Bad news: My back is really fucked up today I suspect these thing are related

Quote of the day

“I live with you and our kid. If that’s not grounds to be in a permanent state of what the fuck then I don’t know what is!”

I became aware of how racist white people are when I moved to England

Now I should say off the bat that I’m so white I’m a shade or two down from albino...I know this for a fact because I had a friend who was an albino and they weren’t much paler than me.

When I moved from the United States to England I observed something.

White English people started to complain about immigration and immigrants in front and to  me.

Then when I would point out that I was an immigrant there would be an uncomfortable pause and fidgeting followed by basically this exchange:

Them: “Well I didn’t mean people like you.”

Me: “Who did you mean?”

Them: “Well...like people from Europe who come over here to live off our benefits?”

Me: “You know every person I have ever met in this country from Europe has been incredibly hard working, hasn’t used benefits and are actually dicked around by their bosses who take advantage of their limited English to deny them proper meal breaks and their entitled leave. In fact that’s the case with every immigrant that I’ve met.”

Them: “...well they don’t speak English.”

Me: “When?”

Them: “Well there were a group of them in town the other day speaking a different language!”

Me: “To each other?”

Them: “Well yeah!”

Me: “Why is that wrong? Don’t you speak English to your friends and family when you go abroad?”

Them: “...Well they need to stop getting priority on council houses while English families keep waiting.”

Me: “Do you actually know any time that’s happened? Where a white English family got a house taken away from them in fair of giving it to an immigrant?”

Them: “It does happen.”

Me: “Can you tell me a time it ACTUALLY happened??”

Them: “...”

And then they don’t talk to me about immigration any more.I knew from day one what they meant when they said they weren’t talking about me when they complained about immigration.  They were complaining about the Polish people and poc but they don’t want to admit it.

So I challenge them because seriously wtf?

and of course make them realise that just maybe their assumptions are wrong.

Or that they’re racists because seriously.

Sitting in the living room to keep my child company as he tries to sleep off his fever #365project #life #depression #parenting