I want to be clear
I have done a lot of therapy
I have worked really hard on myself and my issues and how I interact with others
I am, in some ways, the poster child of "managing" your mental health. Especially for someone who has BPD/CPTSD
But I am still fucking crazy as fuck
I am still going to freak out because my husband isn't home at the time I expected and he didn't immediately respond to my message asking for an ETA
Logically I know he's just gotten busy or his phone died or he just hasn't seen it yet
But I am fucking crazy so I also leap the belief that he is dead
And when he does call to say he's on the way I am going to sob down the phone about how scared I was that he didn't answer and wasn't home at time while apologising for being insane at him
I get paranoid
I get clingy
I freak the fuck out if my loved ones aren't where they are "supposed" to be
I blow up their phone (even though I am actively restraining from blowing it up even more)
I sob
I scream
I panic
I feel sick
It's fucking hell on earth in my head
Even though I know I am being unreasonable and disconnected from the reality of the situation. It doesn't matter because even if I control my reactions somewhat I am still very emotional dysregulated
Normally if I'm losing the plot I contact my husband or my best friend to help me regulate but they aren't always available when I'm really dysregulated like this so I have to manage on my own and try not to get completely hysterical
It's fucking tough
I have a lot of coping mechanisms and ways to calm down in the aftermath and I can usually communicate while I'm freaking out that I am being paranoid and catastrophising. I can tell my husband that I know he didn't do anything wrong by hanging out with his co-workers and losing track of time but I can't stop myself from sobbing as I say it. I am still even when I am managing as well as I can going to be visibly and upsettingly mentally ill
My symptoms and my issues don't make me manipulative or abusive
And years of therapy and learning to control myself and my responses hasn't erased my mental health problems
I am very mentally unwell and that's always going to be the case
I can "improve" but I'm always going to be very very visibly mentally ill and have issues. Including issues that cause problems for the people around me and that's ok
That's part of who I am
Its okay to accept that part of myself
It's okay to not hate myself for being that way
It's okay