TV night 👀

BAHHAAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHSHSHSHSHSHSHSH

*snorts* This is absolutely awesome! 😂😂😂 Why does it remind me so much of that famous banned add, though?

Lingering

Tag list (let me know if you want to be added!)

@snognes @good-omens-gallery @goodomensafterdark

That's the Good Omens content I need! This is utter perfection! No, really, I can't stop laughing! Thank you! 🤣🤣🤣

Now I had to check my copy of the book. Page 444 is all about Mr. Young. Not exactly sexy. 😉

The sumo Kinoshin-zeki likes to eat after winning a match. Here we see that someone calling for Aziraphale has interrupted his chanko.

This one got me my 3000th reblog?

My stupid chanko joke?

I am SO proud. Just wait until you see the blackout poem coming up...

I still can't get over how you turn these into the ineffable husbands! 😂😂😂

Poor neighbors! 🤣🤣🤣

there's a dark timeline out there where tumblr fanfic writers are considered influencers and get sponsorships, and during kinktober, the horniest fanfics drop and all your fave bloggers are doing "day 1 - toys" and they're including a paragraph that loosely goes something like

And you'd find more important information in the Notes section, like...

The scary thing is, I can totally see this dystopian future. 🙈

Some random things I've learned from writing and reading a LOT of smut:

Some of these just made me giggle, but almost all of these points had me nodding along vigorously.

So I wanted to know what kind of crystal could go in a wizard staff, right? so I googled “big crystal,” as one does, and got an Etsy ad for This

And as you all know I Am currently taking a geology class, so I am probably more emotionally invested in minerals than usual. But that is...very obviously not a natural crystal.

So I did some looking around on Etsy.

Now, these shops all seem to advertise to the “witchy”/“spiritual healing” type of person. And there are a lot of them. Crystals are a Big Thing on Etsy. And ALMOST ALL of them are obviously artificially cut into the same sort of prism with a triangular pyramid top, regardless of the actual sort of crystal it is supposed to be.

Even like, fucking, obsidian. Obsidian is volcanic glass, it doesn’t form crystals at all, it is not a crystal

I’m not throwing any shade at people who are into crystals for like witchy reasons, but it really seems like if crystals are spiritually important to you, you should know what a crystal is...right...?

So there I am. Caught in the helpless anger and distaste of looking at geologically inaccurate Etsy crystals.

And as I scroll, I start to see items in...interesting shapes:

“Oh,” I think to myself. “Oh no.”

But it is too late. I have heard the siren’s song, singing to me of knowledge that will destroy me, but that I cannot help but seek.

These...elongated objects are almost always ambiguously described as “massage wands,” “crystal healing wands,” and other such innocuous things. The egg-shaped objects are, um, “yoni eggs.”

...Right. Okay.

Maintain the youthfulness of my sacred organ.

IT’S A SEX TOY. SAY IT. BITCH, IT’S A SEX TOY, IT’S OKAY, SERIOUSLY, THERE’S NO SHAME IN IT, SAY IT WITH PRIDE, SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST,

OKAY.

Okay. I’m good. I’m fine.

Actually, you know what, never mind. There is shame in this and I want it to be never acknowledged again.

Additionally, I am not fine.

Why the fuck are there so many of these—

At this point I stop and start googling.

Now, Selenite is the crystalline form of gypsum. It is also known as satin spar. Selenite is brittle and breaks easily, and has a Mohs hardness scale of 2.

For those unfamiliar with the Mohs hardness scale, a mineral with a hardness of 2 is soft enough that it can be easily scratched with a fingernail. It also is dissolved by moisture.

NO. DON’T PUT THAT IN YOUR BODY???? DON’T PUT THE GYPSUM, WHICH HAS A MOHS HARDNESS SCALE OF 2, IS BRITTLE AND BREAKS EASILY, AND IS WATER SOLUBLE, INSIDE YOUR LITERAL ACTUAL VAGINA??????????

I try to reassure myself with the fact that these things are probably not actually selenite, because making a dildo out of such a soft mineral in the first place would be very difficult. Having seen fluorite before, I feel pretty certain that the fluorite yoni eggs are probably actually just glass.

I google fluorite.

Okay.

Further exploring online shows me that fluorite is soluble in various strong acids.

Some guys on a forum in 2004 have strong contradictory opinions on this.

(I google the pH of the vagina.)

I don’t understand how pH works. I give up on the solubility question and google the toxicity of fluorite:

I now know at least one orifice fluorite does not go inside.

Science.

No, dear followers, my journey did not end here.

I have opened Pandora’s box, except Pandora’s box is filled with minerals God did not intend to be anywhere near the vagina carved into the shape of dildos. Etsy is advertising me sex toys I wish I could forget.

And vaginal steam herbs.

It seems that there is potentially a correlation between wanting to steam your vagina and wanting to put rocks in it. I know, groundbreaking discovery.

Okay, so we’re talking therapy substitute therapy substitute.

(I begin to think about how desperately we need universal health care. Maybe I just need someone, something, to blame.)

At this point, I realize that I haven’t done any googling on whether dildos made of rocks are a good idea at all. So, very tentatively, as if typing it more slowly will make it any less observed by the FBI, I google whether quartz should be used...internally.

First result that pops up:

That’s, uh. That’s reassuring.

I decide I’m incapable of unpacking this particular suitcase.

There are, of course, a small handful of articles debating the safety of rose quartz sex toys. But I’m getting the feeling that this is not a normal question to have in the first place. I close the tab with little relief.

Etsy is still enthusiastically recommending me things that hurt me psychologically.

...pleasure chalk?

How can I describe the fear that this image struck in me, reader?

Pleasure Chalk? What could that be?

Is knowing worse, or is not knowing? I scarcely have a choice:

I check in with my emotions.

Is this relief? Am I relieved that they are eating the dirt instead of fucking it? One review complains about the taste. I don’t know what they expected.

I try in vain to struggle against the tide, to return to the relatively normal side of Etsy. I begin to resent, no, hate, these deceptively aesthetically pleasing hippie shops eagerly spreading medical misinformation and things as yet unknown.

This, unlike the other “crystals” I have shown, appears to show naturally grown crystals. They are, of course, quartz crystals, and $45 comes off as extremely overpriced. I have a quartz crystal I got for a dollar at an Eastern Kentucky rock festival, about the size and quality of the ones in the photo.

Quartz is the most common mineral in the Earth’s crust. But at least this is regular levels of annoying.

Then I see this:

Well, I see the photo and the price, and I think, that looks like a regular quartz crystal. There’s no way a regular quartz crystal is $1,347.

I read the description:

I am crying. I don’t want to google any of this. I am beyond googling. I no longer desire knowledge.

THATS A QUARTZ CRYSTAL. MOTHERFUCKER THAT’S QUARTZ. SIO2, MOST COMMON MINERAL IN THE EARTH’S CRUST. ITS FUCKING QUARTZ IM—

I click on a malachite.

The malachite promises to protect me from emails. And at this, darkest hour, I want to be protected.

I have been broken. I have been lured to my demise.

Big Brother: loved.

Geology lab I’m supposed to be doing: incomplete.

God: unmerciful.

This post has everything. Price gouging quartz, eating dirt, and fucking poisonous rocks.

I'm absolutely ascending at this part of the entire post

I’m absolutely

ascending at this part of

the entire post

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

Do they. Do they think the uterus only originated 2000 years ago.

I have been fixated on "undrilled" because I just started reading Choke and the entire first chapter is dedicated to things such as emergency room visits resulting from things getting stuck in orifices and the ER keeping drills on hand in order to release suction.

So the fact that this is specifically ADVERTISED as undrilled is wild since that is exactly what you DON'T want if you are putting this in your vagina.

Unless it's there as a warning???

I am shaking with laughter, this post was a trip

"you mean a sudden rainstorm forces them to get stuck inside the Bentley, and they look into each other's eyes and realize they were made for each other?"

aka

"if the Bentley's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'"

aka

VAVOOM

Ngk

I have such a soft spot for Bentley porn. Damn hot. 😍

i’m all sex positive and shit but i’m begging you. do not make your characters over 30 fuck on the floor. please. think of their lower backs. their knees. have some empathy 🙏

Common things in the notes:

Well, I can't argue with the last one.

Coloured this again because I don't really like the first version.

This is lovely.

Ngk. Hot, but also soft. My favorite combination. 🥰

Ngk. Look at them. So damn hot.

You all remember that post that said if the husbands have a smexy scene in season 3 its gotta be funny and have those cartoon sound effects while they are off screen? Yeah I just remembered it

Best sex scene ever! 🤣🤣🤣

Trial & error, the fic where crowley stands trial in heaven for ‘demonic temptation of an angel’

Well that was an emotional rollercoaster, but in a good way.

Couldn't get over how sure of himself Crowley was before the shit hit the fan (also The Outfit *_*) so this happened!

An emotional rollercoaster, indeed. Wonderful fanfiction and fanart! 🥰

I'm trying to prove a point to my brain: Reblog if you think fanfiction does not need sex to be good.

There is a trend I’ve noticed that smut fics tend to be much more popular than anything else and honestly I just want to have something to look at to remind myself and that writing doesn’t have to have sex to be worth putting out into the community.

Ngl, I love me some well-written sex, but in the end my love for fanfiction comes down to good characterization. I love stories without sex but with great characterization just as much as well-written smutty pieces. Sometimes I have read stories that made me wish the author would have taken the fade to black approach instead of delivering a sex scene just for the sake of it. If reading smut makes me feel like the author was uncomfortable writing it, I'll feel uncomfortable, too.

No, fanfiction does not need sex to be good. Just write what you're comfortable with. Also, thank you to all fanfiction authors for sharing with the community!

Noooooooooooo! There totally is a happy end to this story, right? Absolutely tickety-boo.

what happened on the drive home from tadfield...?

Edit: this happens on wednesday after the paintball arena (and the wall slam), not after the nopocalypse! I am well aware they took the bus! ^^

So fucking hot! I could stare at this for hours (and might have done so already, oops).