What if Aziraphale and Crowley went to couples therapy?

Dr Lilith Caraway had had a lot of difficult patients in her career. The couple sitting on her couch now, however, was on a whole different level. They were in their fifties probably and couldn’t look more different. The one who had introduced himself first, Aziraphale (she would have to check her spelling on that later), looked like he would feel at home in a Jane Austen novel, spent 95% of his time at a library and helped old ladies cross the street for fun. The other one, Crowley, whose lounging posture only just qualified as sitting, had probably never heard of Jane Austen, might well be the lead singer of a metal band with ridiculously sad lyrics and seemed like the type to glue coins to the pavement as a prank.

“Has either of you had any experience with therapy before today?”

“Oh no,” the polite one said, sounding entirely too excited for the occasion. “This is our first time.”

The other one grunted.

Dr Caraway sighed internally. This was going to be one of those sessions. Well, time to annoy Mr sunglasses-inside until he found his words.

“Mr Crowley – may I call you Anthony?”

“No.”

....

This is a little bonus chapter to my long post s2 fic (Rating E). And the main reason I wrote this is because the incredible @somewhere-in-wales has drawn some art for the story that I am now forcing anyone who will hold still long enough to look at! I present: The one and only Jesus 'Chris' Christ. And if you want to know why he is this cool, check out the fic! *winks* (That shirt says "Killer Queen" btw)

They always stuck to their lines.

“That was very kind of you.”

“Shut up.”

They always kept up the act.

“I don’t even like you.”

“You do.”

But they have always known.

The final fifteen were never about confessing love. Or denying love. It was about wanting to change the script. To stop pretending.

It was about

“I would like to spend…”

and about

“I need you.”

But old habits die hard. And sometimes the only safe path is the one that has already been scripted.

Sometimes it has to be

“I forgive you.”

but sometimes, despite it all, there is only strength enough for

“Don’t bother.”

Feeling down because you thought about the final 15 again? Need something to make you laugh hysterically, but also kind of feel things despite it just being a little piece of crack? Look no further!

This is the marvelous fic by @somewhere-in-wales where Aziraphale and Crowley accidently get transported to our world and meet Michael and David (as their staged characters - they aren't in love - but oh boy do they ship the ineffable husbands, who of course are in love, but haven't talked about it yet).

Honestly this is just BRILLIANT! Be prepared for all the bickering. And to hear all of them speaking in your head. They are all soooo in character and clearly distinguishable. Be prepared for Michael actively using his Aziraphale voice to fluster Crowley. Be prepared for them being mistaken for one another. Be prepared for pineapple references. And all the other references for that matter. I can't believe how hysterical I am about this.

Okay, I'll stop talking now. You get my point. Everyone read this!

Above Crowley everything was colour. Explosive bursts of starlight, of bright fire painted the night sky. It reminded him of what it had been like before time itself. When entire galaxies had erupted into existence.

There was one key difference though: There were no angels here tonight. Only a man-shaped being that had been an angel once and wasn’t quite a demon now.

He was lying on his back on the roof of his apartment building in Mayfair. Next to him were several bottles of wine. Most of them had been empty for hours. It was New Year’s Eve and Crowley was alone.

No, not just alone. Lonely.

This was the first year in the existence of this planet that he would be truly on his own. Sure Aziraphale hadn’t always been with him as such. But he had always been somewhere. Only one small miracle away. Now earth had lost its guardian angel. And Crowley had lost everything that mattered.

Below him people were celebrating. Glasses were clinking. Couples were kissing.

Crowley had sworn that he wouldn’t cry (again). He did anyway as he whispered softly to the heavens:

“Happy new year, angel.”

Somewhere far above Aziraphale didn’t dare to whisper back. But he heard. And he saw. And he felt just as lonely.

I’m still not over this “former demon” thing. I mean, what does it MEAN. Is demon a job description? Can he choose not to be a demon? What about Aziraphale? He seems to think he’s still an angel, right? Even if he doesn’t work for heaven. And Crowley still calls him angel (also for endearment purposes probably, but still).

Or does Crowley just say it for Shax’s benefit. Not a demon anymore as in holy water can’t hurt me. (“He isn’t one of us anymore”)

Crowley doesn’t want to be a demon right? He never wanted to be. Does he just choose not to be? Like the same way he chose a new name?

He isn’t one of the bad guys. He didn’t want to be before, but he had to pretend at least (“I go along with hell as far as I can”). Now he just is his own thing. Not a demon. Not an angel. Crowley.

I can’t believe I still notice new (at least new to me) things to get hung up on in GO. In this scene ⬇️ Crowley says to Nina: “Just for once in your life trust something.”

How does he know that? How does he know she never trusts anything? He doesn’t. At least not from the interactions we see on screen.

But we know that Crowley and Nina (and Aziraphale and Maggie) are set up to be quite similar.

For example: Before that Nina says to him that she’s going home to “drink herself senseless in an empty flat”. Probably exactly what Crowley would (will? 😭) do.

So my guess is: Crowley is assuming Nina never trusts anything, because he doesn’t.

He has been kicked out by heaven back when he was probably more trusting (“how much trouble can I get into just for asking a few questions”). And since then he always had to watch his back, because being on his own side put him in constant danger from hell (see whatever happened after Edinburgh that made him feel like he needed insurance).

And that also goes for his relationship with Aziraphale. From the very beginning the angel constantly rebuffs (or outright rejects) him (not admitting they’re friends, you go too fast for me, there is no our side etc.). Don’t get me wrong, Crowley trusts Aziraphale with his life. And I am sure he holds none of it against him (they both are victims of the circumstances). But he doesn’t trust that the “peaceful fragile existence” they have now will last.

Nina says as much to him. “You’re the hard bitten one who can never trust anyone ever again.”

Which brings us to the final 15. Crowley is ready to trust. To confess. But it doesn’t go that way and that probably doesn’t surprise him. He is resigned to the fact that things don’t work out for him. He had hoped of course (he is an optimist), but he is very used to “being the bad guy” (“Unforgivable that’s what I am”). He doesn’t trust himself to be enough.

I will cry now. Bye.

Please excuse me for the evening, I have to cancel all my plans to scream hysterically!