Alexander Ovechkin: I think I’m invincible. It’s the only thing that makes sense. I don’t think I can die.
Nicklas Backstrom: What's in the suitcase?
Alex Ovechkin: Vodka.
John Carlson: You brought an entire suitcase full of vodka?
Alex Ovechkin: No.
Alex Ovechkin: There's mixers as well. I'm not a savage.
Mike Green: People change. I mean, I used to be really small.
Brooks Laich: When you were a child?
Mike Green: (Eyes widening in realization) Oh!
Dale Hunter: Are you suggesting we should just give up?
Joe Juneau: It’s the smart move.
Dale Hunter: Do we look smart to you?
(Braden Holtby’s phone rings.)
Braden Holtby: Hello?
Christian Djoos: Andre’s in trouble!
(Holtby hangs up.)
Nicklas Backstrom: Who was that?
Braden Holtby: Djoos. Anyway-
(TJ Oshie’s phone rings.)
TJ Oshie: Hello?
Christian Djoos: It’s Andre, he’s in trouble!
(Oshie hangs up.)
Nicklas Backstrom: Who was that?
TJ Oshie: Djoos.
(Evgeny Kuznetsov’s phone rings.)
Evgeny Kuznetsov: Ahoy?
Christian Djoos: Andre’s in trouble!
(Kuznetsov hands the phone to Backstrom.)
Nicklas Backstrom: Call me first next time. (Listens for a moment.) Okay, we’re coming
Braden Holtby: No we’re not.
Evgeny Kuznetsov: If I punch myself and it hurts, am I weak or strong?
Andre Burakovsky: You are strong.
Brooks Orpik: You are weak.
Nicklas Backstrom: You are stupid.
Peter Bondra: Olie, do you even know who sings this song?
Olaf Kolzig: Er… The spice girls?
Peter Bondra: I love him, he’s like a Martian.
Alexander Ovechkin: (Before the 2018 Stanley Cup Finals) Now, I don't want to make too big a deal out of this, but if we win, it will be the greatest moment in the history of everything.
Lars Eller: Kuzy, how was your summer?
Evgeny Kuznetsov: Well, I fell off a cruise ship, but I'm back.
Lars Eller: Oh, shit!
Evgeny Kuznetsov: Yeah, ‘oh shit’. Took a hard, hard, violent fall. Kinda pinballed down. Hit a lot of railings, broke a lot of shit. I'm not going to say I survived, I'm going to say I thrived.
Evgeny Kuznetsov: I met a dolphin down there. And I swear to God, that dolphin looked- not at me- but into my soul. Into my goddamn soul, Lars. And he said, ‘I'm saving you, Zhenya’. Not with his mouth, but he said it. I'm assuming telepathically.
Nicklas Bäckström: There is something so familiar about this. Do you ever have déjà vu?
Alexander Ovechkin: Didn’t you just ask me that?
Alex Ovechkin: Plan: I’m gonna strap roombas to both my feet so I can skate on carpet.
Mike Green: In theory, that’s great. But what if they go off in different directions?
Alex Ovechkin: Fuck.
Brooks Laich: You have to have rope at a length of about 1 or 2 feet, or a steel bar, or something, that connects them and keeps them at an appropriate distance.
Alex Ovechkin: Finally, a good suggestion! Roomba bondage!
Nicklas Backstrom: The NHL can bite my entire ass!
Alex Ovechkin: What?
Nicklas Backstrom: They can go legally brain dead from lack of oxygen from choking on my entire ass!
Alex Ovechkin: I... I... What?
Alex Ovechkin: I'm a man of action. You have to act first and apologize later. Like I have learned to do.
Evgeny Kuznetsov: You never apologize.
Alex Ovechkin: I would if I had ever been wrong.
Alex Ovechkin: You are not going to win this time, Zhenya.
Evgeni Malkin: An interesting theory. Let me propose an alternative one: I am going to win this time.
Alex Ovechkin: Ah, but-
Evgeni Malkin: And this is a theory I have built up from the following postulates: one, I win every time; two, this is a time; three, I will win this time.
Andre Burakovsky: Djoos, when I die, I don’t care who else is at the funeral, as long as you’re there.
Christian Djoos: Of course I’ll be there. The murderer always shows up to throw off the cops.
Dale Hunter: What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.
Mike Green: You want to meet Ovi’s parents?
Nicklas Backstrom: I have to meet the people that created this nightmare of a person.