Brad Marchand: I thought that Schwartz was by himself, so I went for a change, and a couple more guys jumped on the play.
Alex Pietrangelo: This is so sad. Alexa, play “Gloria.”
Mats Sundin: Just tell me what happened.
Peter Forsberg: Alright, but you have to promise to not get mad.
Mats Sundin: What happened?
Peter Forsberg: Okay, I was just minding my own business when-
Mats Sundin: BULLSHIT!
Peter Forsberg: I WAS!
Zach Hyman: What if the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything?
William Nylander: Forks are Stabby Grabbies.
Auston Matthews: Socks are Feetie Heaties.
Connor Brown: Pregnancy tests are Maybe Babies.
Nazem Kadri: Defibrillators are Heartie Starties.
Morgan Rielly: Nightmares are Dreamy Screamies.
Mitch Marner: Stamps are Lickie Stickies.
John Tavares: This team is a disappointment.
Vincent Trocheck: What if ducks threw bread back at you?
Jonathan Huberdeau: You’d have to duck.
Aleksander Barkov: I hate you both.
(Tyler Johnson holds up Nikita Kucherov’s cat.)
Tyler Johnson: Stinky.
Nikita Kucherov: No! Don’t be mean!
Tyler Johnson: (Swaying him back and forth in the air) Stinky bastard man.
Nikita Kucherov: No!
Ondrej Palat: (Not looking up from chopping veggies) Naughty boy. Brat cat.
Nikita Kucherov (Distraught) No!
Brenden Dillon: Would you fuck a clone of yourself?
Martin Jones: No.
Aaron Dell: Yes.
Logan Couture: That’s kind of gross and weird.
Erik Karlsson: I'd fuck my clone because who would know better how to fuck me than me?
Brent Burns: To be honest, fucking my clone has always been my fantasy.
Joe Thornton: It's basically the same as masturbating, right? So no big deal.
Joe Pavelski: It's not the same as masturbating; it'd be like having sex with your twin. Wrong and bad!
Tomas Hertl: I would not have sex with my clone because what if my clone is evil?
Evander Kane: You guys are nasty and I'm frankly a little concerned.
Jay Beagle: A beer for me and uh… he’ll have a juice box.
Quinn Hughes: Beags, I’m 19.
Quinn Hughes: I can buy my own juice box.
Police: You are under arrest for trying to carry three people on a single motorcycle.
Auston Matthews: Wait. Three?
Police: Yes, three.
Auston Matthews: Oh my god.
Mitch Marner and William Nylander: Oh, fuck.
Police: Sirs?
Auston Matthews: Kappy fell off!
Jesperi Kotkaniemi: On one hand, I want cake for breakfast, but I also recognize this is a bad nutritional decision.
Jesperi Kotkaniemi: On the other hand, the only one who can stop me is me. I know that fucker’s weaknesses. I could totally take them in a fight.
Brayden Point: Date someone who will drag you outside at 3am to look at the stars.
Victor Hedman: If anyone, and I mean anyone, wakes me up at three in the morning to go look at the damn sky, they will be removed indefinitely from my life.
(At a bar.)
Jake Allen: (Sliding $10 to the bartender) I’ll have the usual.
(Bartender hugs him.)
Brad Marchand: I want to tell a joke, but I only remember the punchline.
Patrice Bergeron: Well, what is it?
Brad Marchand: Tooth hurty.
Patrice Bergeron: When is the best time to go to the dentist?
Brad Marchand: You complete me.
Danny Briere: I’m small but knowing.
Claude Giroux: You don’t know what the top shelf looks like.
Oliver Ekman-Larsson: What state do we live in?
Alex Galchenyuk: Constant anxiety.
Antti Raanta: Denial.
Derek Stepan: Perfection.
Brad Richardson: Phoenix.
Derek Stepan: Phoenix is literally a city.
Adam Larsson: Connor gave me a 'Get Better Soon' card.
Oscar Klefbom: Aw, that's so sweet!
Adam Larsson: I wasn't sick. He just thought I could do better.
Ivan Provorov: Synonyms are weird because if you invite someone to your cottage in the forest, that just sounds nice and cosy, but if I invite you to my cabin in the woods, you’re going to die.
Oskar Lindblom: My favorite is ‘butt dial’ vs ‘booty call’.
Nolan Patrick: It’s called connotations.
Travis Konecny: ‘Forgive me father, for I have sinned’ versus ‘sorry daddy, I’ve been naughty’.
Nolan Patrick: Great news! Language has been cancelled!
John Klingberg: Anyone else feel good when their brain releases a bunch of endorphins?
Jamie Benn: Why would my brain release a bunch of dolphins?